#1
When cold gravity rains,
I become mercury.
Slipping through it all,
Borders can't keep me out.
Catch me with your glass hands.
The vivid dreams.
Amnesia.
Depression.
They're just me.
They're just you.
Catch me with your glass hands.
Living in our rusty cage,
Underrated.
I'm going to stay
You're going to leave.
How could I follow?
When you leave no footprints.
You're just mercury like me.
Catch us with glass hands.


First lyrics!
...thanks!
Last edited by joni_xz at Dec 19, 2008,
#2
I like it, though I'm confused by the first line. When you hear what?

I don't really like the "I fall" line, but that is just me
It could work, Idunno
Lord Gold feeds from your orifices and he wants to see you sweat.
Lord Gold probes you publicly and makes your pussy wet.
Now say his name.....
#4
I really like this, but there really isn't enough there for me. It's too...underdeveloped?
#5
The fist line I didn't like. It seemed completely irrelevant to the rest of the piece.
Also "I fall" is very cliche, and IMO should be avoided.
I would like to see some more to this, however I don't think it is too short at the moment.

I really liked the rest, espescially the mecury part, I wouldn't have thought of that
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

#7
When cold gravity rains,
I become mercury.
Slipping through it all,
Borders can't keep me out.
Catch me with your glass hands.
The vivid dreams.
Amnesia.
Depression.
They're just me.
They're just you.
Catch me with your glass hands.
Living in our rusty cage,
Underrated.
I'm going to stay
You're going to leave.
How could I follow?
When you leave no footprints.
You're just mercury like me.
Catch us with glass hands.
#10
Quote by joni_xz


When cold gravity rains,
I become mercury.
Slipping through it all,
Borders can't keep me out.
Catch me with your glass hands.
The vivid dreams.
Amnesia.
Depression.
They're just me.
They're just you.
Catch me with your glass hands.
Living in our rusty cage,
Underrated.


I'm going to stay
You're going to leave.

These two lines are sort of cliche.

How could I follow?
When you leave no footprints.
You're just mercury like me.
Catch us with glass hands.



I enjoyed it. Very simplistic but at the same time leaves room for exploration. The first 4 words got me from the start. Also, the "catch me with glass hands" is a great contradiction. Great Job! Thx for the crit!
Quote by darkstar2466
Don't fret man.
#11
Quote by lordofthefood1
I like it, though I'm confused by the first line. When you hear what?

I don't really like the "I fall" line, but that is just me
It could work, Idunno


Agreed. Even just adding "it" to "I hear" would attach an object that would get people thinking (though blah what a vague word to add).

The "I fall" line does feel cheesy or forced.

Your supposedly strong words aren't cohesive enough for me: mercury, gravity, glass, rusty cage. Each is a potent image or idea, but it feels like you threw them in because you knew that, not because they are all relevant. I'd build around the glass and mercury imagery and find other things that jive better with it. You can't mention the rusty cage or the idea of gravity just once and then not bring it back, at least not in the context that you did. It just floats there, looking artsy but not adding anything.

..same goes for footprints--the metaphor feels like an afterthought and disrupts your otherwise nice finishing stanza.
#12
Thanks for the detailed crit guys

With the criticism of not elaborating my strong words, you are right, I included them because they were strong, but purposely did not elaborate as I tend to sway away from songs drenched with metaphors and similes, although the second half of the poem will definitely be given a revision at some point

Thanks again! C4C
#13
Quote by joni_xz
When cold gravity rains,
I become mercury.
Slipping through it all,
Borders can't keep me out.
Catch me with your glass hands.

These first four lines caught my attention right off the bat. They are well done.

The vivid dreams.
Amnesia.
Depression.
They're just me.
They're just you.
Catch me with your glass hands.
Living in our rusty cage,
Underrated.

It might be just me, but the lines Amnesia, Depression seemed kind of awkward when I read it with the rest of the song. Of course, it could be just the way I read it.

I'm going to stay
You're going to leave.

You're just mercury like me.
Catch us with glass hands.

These last few lines are very well done, especially the lines: "How could I follow
When you leave no footprints." I thought those were especially creative.


Overall, this was very well constructed, just needs a few tweaks here and there.
#14
Quote by joni_xz
Anyone have any tips for writing in a Radiohead style?



Listen/read loads of their songs, and ones by similar artists. Sit down and really analyze them as best you can.
Check out this.