#1
took some advice from an old friend.
--


lady

in a thunderstorm
something kicking in her womb
black sky blood, the far off whisper
behind lamposts pitter echo too soon
under cars voice hiding
meth-head twitch, meth-head itch
get further into town and do something
with her life, hands, mouth
keep moving always, a twitter of leaves
jump back, hold her heart in her chest
listen to the rats underground
attack her brain, she’s insane, see dreams
in the silver they leave on her chin
already had a lobotomy, fourth rebirth this year
cut out her frontal lobe with her own switchblade
maced her eyes and got a tear
tore at her chest and got three more
Bedroom, room where her bed is at
Mother, girl who fed food and yelled at dad
to make her grow big and strong and dying now
on the spoken word circuit of christianity
the way back from confession found the perfect thing
she should have said to the priest,
she remembers the wheat that was her grandmother’s teeth
the fragile grin, sees dreams in the silver
sliver’s too deep when sliver’s made of skin
tonight’s the night to begin again
cleansing again
too soon, not ready, God’s hands grow heavy
on her shoulder
holds her heart
and all she wants to say
is right now
her skin’s brighter than a morning
shines harder than the resurrection
purple frills glued against her skin
in the darkness of the raining night
is where she finds him
when the lightning flashes
and lights up the dark chevy window
Last edited by #1 synth at Dec 11, 2008,
#2
Wow, that was brillinat. I think what made this piece for me, apart from the brilliant writing, fantastic imagery and clever story, is the driving rhythm and life behind this. It really pulses from start to finish, which makes it really easy and enjoyable to read.
#3
10/10 it'd sound good to death banjo metal trance.


(This was amazing.)
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#4
your talent is evident, but it's too random and disjointed for me. A few lines here and there to break pattern can be, but the whole piece? I got lost in words and unrelated imagery. If there was a chance to be too much, I think you hit it. You have a way with words for sure, but better organization would have made this piece more delightful to read.
LISTEN:
A Myspace introduction to:

LEARN:
It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along. -- Maroon 5
#5
Slam Poet LoL.

This was read with interest. You've nullified me on the topic (religion crossed with girls) before, so it wasn't really about that for me, but the structure was interesting, I was actually on the edge of my seat waiting for the next rhyme. However I think the flow can be improved a touch, it's not quite as good as it should be in my eyes.

Clean-cut imagery for the most part, which is pleasing to see from you
#6
I thought the rhythm was incredible.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!