#1
The girl i like sits behind me in math. She told me to write her a poem cause she's seen some of my other stuff and wanted me to write something for her. So i'm pouring my heart out. Please rip it to pieces. I wanna be sure that it's as good as i can make it by monday. My biggest question is whether i should take out the first two stanzas or not. C4C. I promise i will get back to you before the weekend is over. Thx. Here it goes:

For Her


When birds sing
during the sight of the Aurora Borealis
is how i feel
when i gaze upon Her smiling face,
laughing at some abstract,
emotionless comment from
someone in the peanut gallery.

Never will She come
to understand how the
vision of that brown,
perfectly executed hair
stays imprinted on the
never ending blackboard
that is my mind.

This...
is for Her.

This is for all those
wasted years spent lurking
in the shadows of Her
seemingly endless social life.

This is for the
agony that She has
unknowingly caused my heart to
go through for the
past two years.
Agony I can never overcome,
but don't want to overcome.

This...
is for Her.

This is for those
forty-five minute sessions
spent wishing they were longer,
knowing that a lifetime
would not be long enough
to open every door and
enter every hallway in the labyrinth of my soul.

This is for always
wanting to pour all my
heart and soul out at
every sound of her
voice or glimpse of
Her perfect figure,
which never seems to
be good enough for Her.

This is for the
countless occurrances of
having to jokingly tell
Her how perfect She is,
attempting to hide my
seriousness which apparently
everyone can see,
except the one
for whom they are intended.

This...
is for Her

This is for that word.
That ****ing four letter
word that eats away
at my entire mind, body,
and soul but never seems
to be full.

Those four letters
that flash through my eyes
in between visions of Her
every time I can catch a
glimpse, even of Her back.

This is for my one
and only chance to show
what i really think and
really want to say,
but never seem to be able to.

This...
is for Her.
Last edited by grevhead221 at Dec 13, 2008,
#2
"enter every hallway in the labrynth of my brain."
err... romantic much? try changing it to "heart" or "soul" unless you ment it to sound... tacky.

edit: maybe something else as you open with those words in the next line.
... wrote
the funny thing about those ads is, if i could steal a car at the comfort of my own computer in my own house, i would.

Quote by MyDesertRose
Ahahaha TS just got gobsmacked.
Well played Wicked Rose
#3
I wouldn't write her anything to be honest. It's like she expects guys to write things for her because she's so awesome or something.
PPPPPPPOSTFINDER
#4
if he wants to man, it's not really our job to judge.
... wrote
the funny thing about those ads is, if i could steal a car at the comfort of my own computer in my own house, i would.

Quote by MyDesertRose
Ahahaha TS just got gobsmacked.
Well played Wicked Rose
#5
Nah, its just nice guys that she knows. Most of them are gay that she knows from the school play. And i wasn't saying that to be mean, i'm friends with those guys too, that's just not how it is. But i understand how you think that.
#6
this is not going to go over well, but it's too long. If I were you, I'd pick the best four stanzas, make them stellar and move on. I kind of liken this to "holding some cards for a later hand" I think you'd be better off leaving something to the imagination, be more vague, make her want more. What's the use of chasing if the car isn't moving? ...
LISTEN:
A Myspace introduction to:

LEARN:
It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along. -- Maroon 5
#7
I'm going to start by saying that whatever I suggest is just a personal suggestion and is no way telling you exactly what you should do, but maybe consider and play around with. I like the piece, and I'm going to talk about a few things you might want to try. But it's just advice. So here goes:

I like what you have going, but I think your piece really suffers from your choice of line breaks. Try and read it aloud to yourself. I sometimes feel like line breaks in the wrong place can make a piece sound choppy:

I try to
write in
style because I
am
super awesome.


To be quite honest, she'll love whatever you write for her. So I wouldn't sweat it too much, but if you really want to blow her away, I'd do what aksuperstar is suggesting. Choose your strongest stanzas and make them shine. I think your ending is strong. I don't know the girl, so I don't know how she'll take certain things. For example: she may react a certain way to the capital "H" in "Her", and she may not. She may think it's a cute way of always making her important. Make sure you're not coming across as resentful that she hasn't noticed your past attempts to woo her as well.

This is for the
agony that She has
unknowingly caused my heart to
go through for the
past two years.
Agony I can never overcome,
but don't want to overcome.


This, for example:
It may make her feel bad about what's happened. Agony is a strong word. It's all up to you, though.

I think you should open up or title it with "This is for her" and cut out the first stanza. Then put the second stanza somewhere else or scrap it (not that it's bad, it just doesn't fit as the opener). I'd suggest opening with a stanza that has "This is for" but taking out "this is" So it reads like:

This is for her.

And all those

wasted years spent lurking <--- Wasted might be an adjective with a negative connotation.
in the shadows of her
seemingly endless social life.

Something like that plays off the title and transitions the line break and stanza more smoothly. At least, that's my opinion. You can get away with being cheesy and a little cliche because it's a love poem. Love is often a topic of cliche in poems. You've handled it well, though, so don't worry.

This is for her

and those
forty-five minute sessions
spent wishing they were longer,
knowing that a lifetime
would not be long enough
to open every door and
enter every hallway in the labyrinth of my soul.
<---- This may have been a little weak, but I'm not sure how else you can put it. You can keep it if you'd like.

Never will She come
to understand how the
vision of that brown,
perfectly executed hair
<--- I liked how you said this. It was very eloquent. And better than "your hair is real purdy" :-)
stays imprinted on the
never ending blackboard
that is my mind.


I like having these together because it continues the extended imagery of you thinking about her during class (which I think she'll really like).

This is for all those
wasted years spent lurking
in the shadows of Her
seemingly endless social life.


This is for always
wanting to pour all my
heart and soul out at
every sound of her
voice or glimpse of
Her perfect figure,
which never seems to
be good enough for Her.

I feel as if these should be together as well because they complement each other. In it, you're romantically waiting in the background for a chance to just see her. I just think it focuses the piece more clearly when you have these together.

I enjoy how the ending builds up:

This is for that word.
That ****ing four letter
<--- If she's cool with that, then awesome, this stanza conveys how you are just dying to tell her what you need to.
word that eats away
at my entire mind, body,
and soul but never seems
to be full.

Those four letters
that flash through my eyes
in between visions of Her
every time I can catch a
glimpse, even of Her back.
<---- I didn't like this section of the stanza very much. I liked the continuance at the beginning, but the 'in between...her back' segment could have maybe been phrased more eloquently.

This is for my one
and only chance to show
what i really think and
really want to say,
but never seem to be able to.
<---- Great ending stanza. I think the last line breaks down the flow a little bit, so maybe you can play around with its syllables and come up with something. But honestly, it's a great penultimate stanza. Good job.

This...
is for You.


It might be cool if you can have that rhyme with the stanza above it. It's a bit cheesy, I know, but I think it would come off as strong as long as it doesn't feel too forced. I just think it's romantic if you say "you" there.

And there you go. It's a rough outline of what I like you should maybe work on. It's obviously all up to you. She's going to love it no matter what, and I wish you luck with whatever happens. My advice is just advice. I'm not an expert writer or a poet, I'm just giving you differing opinions on things that struck me. They may not bother other people. If you'd like, you can PM me another version that I will try my best to give advice on. But overall, I think this is a good piece and that you've got something really strong here. Hopefully I helped. If not, I tried :-). Have a good one.

Edit: Don't worry about returning the crit. I don't really have anything up. I just like giving small bits of advice and hoping they're not too wrong.
Last edited by Milo. at Dec 14, 2008,
#8
^ You aren't suppose to read linebreaks, you're suppose to read punctuation. Practice reading before you practice criticizing.


When birds sing
during the sight of the Aurora Borealis
is how i feel



How many birds sing at night when the Aurora Borealis is viable? I'd pull all of this out, but only because it makes no logical sense to me.


All the same, I hope this gets you laid.
Last edited by cick13 at Dec 14, 2008,
#9
While that is true, I think line breaks in certain places can cause an uneven flow like that sample sentence I wrote in the crit. Either way, my advice is between me and the author of the piece.
#10
I owe you a critique, hehe. But anyways, wow, you must really, really like this girl. And I really, really like this, because when I wrote songs about my ex, when I was with her and when I wasn't, I could never write something equal to this, and I really like the details you used.
If it's anything like the girl I was writing for, she will not understand the big words you used, haha. But just the first paragraph alone, and the line "When birds sing
during the sight of the Aurora Borealis", you do a really good job at putting an emphasis on your message.
It could have been a crappy generic poem like, "oh her eyes are like waterfalls" or some crazy crap like that, but I believe that you stepped above and beyond that and wrote something that had my attention the entire way through and wasn't overly generic. Good job :]
And I hope she responded well to that e_e
#11
this was really good. it seems what your saying is honest and nothing fake or cheasy (spell check)