#1
No pity -
give me anything but
something pretty,

smile's a sword to the gut,
a hug a bullet, lead/dead.
I'm keeping the front door shut,

those seldom visitors tread
mud in through the day,
and further comforters spread

the muck in dull cliche.
"It must be hard", remark,
"but it happens everyday" -

though everyday dissolves in dark
misunderstanding
and knowing brings the spark

out. It's most demanding
when the dishes pile
up, or when he's handing

in a word that's not worthwhile.
We'll simmer then in winter, heed
each others speech on trial-

I'd like/hope to think they'd plead
guilty, or whatever's pre-agreed.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Dec 13, 2008,
#2
This is really good. It had a funny charm to it and a really snide brooding quality to it. I'm not entirely sure if that was what you were going for, but screw it, that's what I got, and I liked it.

- "a hug a bullet, lead/dead."
- I didn't enjoy reading this line. Yes, it may look cool and neat, but if I don't like reading it, then it's not good. Whether someone else will enjoy it is irrelevant for my critique; these are my thoughts.

I don't know whether I'm missing something integral, but the first four verses seem to have one point that is clearly defined and itterated with awesome rhyming and line breaks, but the second section then seems to go off on one and doesn't really seem to return - for me anyway.
Put simply, I wasn't overly keen on the second four verses because, although it's voice remained familiar, the words and ideas from it changed, and seemingly without reason or alert. It detracted from it quite a bit.

I very rarely have anything to say with your work that will any way help you, but I always read them and try and say something, anyway.

I really liked this.

Digitally Clean
#3
I agree. As far as content, the first half was better than the second. Maybe I'm missing something though. However, you have demonstrated again your incredible finesse and style, and your pieces are always fun to read.
#4
'No pity -
give me anything but
something pretty,

smile's a sword to the gut,
a hug a bullet, lead/dead.
I'm keeping the front door shut,

Don't think an 'a' at the start of this stanza would ruin the flow. I don't like the 'lead/dead' comes across as lazy to me. Figure out how to work them both in instead of just 'copping out' (as far as i'm concerned)

those seldom visitors tread
mud in through the day,
and further comforters spread

I don't like how the word seldom is used here, sounds like you've forced it in there. So much so that on first reading it came across to me as if it was saying that you have few visitors, as opposed to those visitors coming only occasionaly.
.
the muck in dull cliche.
"It must be hard", remark,
"but it happens everyday" -

I think you've taken 'economy of words' to extremes here, I don't think you need to be cutting things down as much as just writing 'remark'.

though everyday dissolves in dark
misunderstanding
and knowing brings the spark

out. It's most demanding
when the dishes pile
up, or when he's handing

in a word that's not worthwhile.
We'll simmer then in winter, heed
each others speech on trial-

I'd like/hope to think they'd plead
guilty, or whatever's pre-agreed.'

Again, don't like the slashes. Partly because, for me, it takes away from the auditory aspects of poetry. partly cause I think it's 'lazy'.

You definitely do the poems i like best on here, they're all just a pleasure to read.

total harshness on my part, but you did a really good critique of mine so I wanted to help!
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#5
Using "remark" sounded cool I felt, lol.

Thanks for looking in depth Stu/Dan. Aha. I'm using it at the moment, works sometimes, sometimes not, some like, some don't. I do

Will getbackatyas. You too KD.
#6
I loved all of this, including the slashes, but the last two lines. And I liked the content of the last too lines, just thought the rhymes were too fast. Sorry I don't have more to say.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!