#1
Well, here it is, the Chinese Democracy of this series. Hopefully it won't flop as much. Enjoy. Links for the other two parts in my sig.

Part III

Something had been bugging me since I woke up. How the hell was I alive? If everyone here was dead, who had reanimated me? There was only one possible conclusion – I was not the only one here alive. But this thought begged another question, if someone else here was alive, where the hell were they?

I began my search in the most obvious place, where it all began. In the wake of setting sun, the room took on an eerie life of its own. Shadows crawled up the walls and danced along the ceiling, melting and merging, creating the illusion of life in a long dead room. I looked down at the pathetic little flashlight in my hand and sighed. This was going to be harder than I thought. I guessed I probably had one, maybe two hours of sunlight left. Not much time at all, especially considering the flashlight in my hand was probably dead. With little hope, I flicked the switch and a weak haze coughed out of the nearly defunct bulb. The shadows simply devoured the flashlight's beam, and spat it back out. I sighed and threw the useless light away. THUNK!

I started at the noise, a kind of wet, hollow sound. Something was not right. I looked spun around, but could barely see anything in the fast spreading darkness. I must have miscalculated the hours of sunlight remaining. Suddenly rain thundered on the ceiling, startling me again. Lightening cracked across the sky, briefly illuminating the room, but long enough for me to see what would remain seared into my mind for the rest of my life. A body, slumped against the far wall, a small hole between its eyes. But it was what lay below the head that seared into my brain. The body had been shot to pieces. Someone had shot him once in the forehead, killing him instantly, and then proceeded to empty their magazine into his already lifeless body, shredding him to pieces. There was someone angry out there, very angry. Actually, make that two someones. Unless he’d had both a pistol and an automatic rifle. Lightning flashed again and I saw, written across the wall in freshly dripping blood, “SAVEZ-MOI”, the last “I” dragging off the wall, accompanied by a high-velocity splatter pattern. Seems I got my order around the wrong way. Someone had shot the hell out of this guy and left him for dead. With his last strength he had scrawled this desperate message across the wall, before someone, maybe the same guy, maybe not, had returned and shot him once in the forehead, then arranged his body. There was a sick bastard at work here, and it scared the **** out of me. This was way over my head. Way, way over my head. Lightning flashed a third time, and I caught movement out of my left eye. A shadowy figure rushing at me. In reflex, I ducked.

Not a smart move. The figure ploughed full-bodily into my already off-centred mass. Gasping, I toppled over with the figure on top of me. I flailed uselessly against his huge weight. Lightning flashed, once, twice, three times, each blinding flash tracing the path of the rifle. By his side, above his head, travelling down. This time, the darkness was very real, and completely impenetrable.
Last edited by kdownes at Dec 14, 2008,
#2
Good. Maybe I'll be back, but I doubt it. I've said this before and I'll say it again however: It's not my favourite, but damn you have me hooked.


And therefore to keep me coming back, maybe more of a cliffhanger? The end of the last paragraph, and indeed the whole final paragraph totally got rid of the "I wonder what will happen in the next part?" feeling. Because we know you're not going to kill the character.
#3
I'm glad you enjoyed it. I actually think the ending here works really well. Maybe when I've got Part IV up you'll see why.
#5
Quote by kdownes
Well, here it is, the Chinese Democracy of this series. Hopefully it won't flop as much. Enjoy. Links for the other two parts in my sig.

Part III

It was at this moment that my reminiscing was interrupting by a thought that had been nagging me ever since I awoke this morning.
You can say this with far fewer words. It's jumbled.
How the hell was I alive? If everyone here was dead, who had reanimated me? There was only one possible conclusion – I was not the only one here alive. But this thought begged another question, if someone else here was alive, where the hell were they?
is alive and are they, it's present tense, surely? You tenses are all mixed up here, from the first sentence
I began my search in the most obvious place, where this all began.
Yeah. It's the 'this morning' that messed it up.
In the dwindling sunlight, the room took on an eerie life of its own. Shadows crawled up the wall(s) and danced along the ceiling, melting and merging, creating the illusion of life in a long dead room. I looked down at the pathetic little flashlight in my hand and sighed. This was going to be harder than I thought. I guessed I probably had one, maybe two hours of sunlight left. Not much time at all, especially considering the flashlight in my hand was probably dead. With little hope, I flicked the switch and a weak haze of light coughed out of the nearly defunct bulb. The shadows simply devoured the flashlights attempt at light, and spat it back out. I sighed and threw the useless light away. THUNK!

I started at the noise, a kind of wet, hollow sound. Something was not right. I looked over towards where I’d thrown the light, but could barely see anything in the fast diminishing light.
The second use of light in the sentence overdoes it, I get the idea. It's dark
I must have miscalculated the hours of sunlight remaining. Suddenly rain thundered on the ceiling, startling me again. Lightening cracked across the sky, briefly illuminating the room, but long enough for me to see what would remained seared into my mind for the rest of my life. A body, slumped against the far wall, a small hole between its eyes. But it was what lay below the head that seared into my brain. The body had been shot to pieces. Someone had shot him once in the forehead, killing him instantly, and then proceeded to empty their magazine into his already lifeless body, shredding him to pieces.
Magazine? Huh? I think starting this sentence with 'Once in the forehead' and going from there would make it much more effective
There was someone very angry out there, very angry. Actually, make that two someones. Unless he’d had both a pistol and an automatic rifle. Lightning flashed again and I saw, written across the wall in freshly dripping blood “SAVEZ-MOI”, the last “I” dragging off the wall, accompanied by a high-velocity splatter pattern. Seems I got my order around the wrong way. Someone had shot the hell out of this guy and left him for dead. With his last strength he had scrawled this desperate message across the wall, before someone, maybe the same guy, maybe not, had returned and shot him once in the forehead, then arranged his body. There was a sick bastard at work here, and it scared the **** out of me. This was way over my head. Way, way over my head. Lightning flashed a third time, and I caught movement out of my left eye. A shadowy figure rushing at me. In reflex, I ducked.

Not a smart move. The figure ploughed full-bodily into my already off-centred mass. Gasping, I toppled over with the figure on top of me. I flailed uselessly against his huge weight. Lightning flashed, once, twice, three times, each illumination tracing the path of the rifle. By his side, above his head, travelling down. This time, the darkness was very real, and completely impenetrable.
I don't think 'very' is a strong enough word here


Captivating.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#9
^ You assume the smart enough
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#10
gee, thanks Katherine. Though I fear you may be right. I'm actually finally happy with this. As for he THUNK. It's either that or THWACK. Whatever makes you happy
#11
I don't mind the thunk.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#12
in my opinion, it doesn't work without it. I was just curious as to why Zach hated it, is all
#13
I hate using things like that; I think there are better ways to handle it. For instance a short jabby sentence. Something like "Hollow clang." It's the same idea (terrible example... its 7am, I just woke up), but it doesn't remind me of hte ninja turtles.

It's just personal, I guess. But its something I always hate to see in a serious piece of writing.
#14
haha, i hear ya. but its staying. i myself love that style of writing. "serious" writing annoys me, i need something with some pizzazz and flavour. Give me Stephen King or Matthew Reilly any day
#15
Oh I agree about pizazz and flavour. No doubts. (notice my pretntiousness by adding a 'u' to flavor), However... I think there are better ways to work personality in the the very core of the piece instead of throwing something on like "Thunk." Thunk is like adding a name tag to your great aunt (who's too old and senile to move) that says "life of the party." It's a quick laugh, but in the end... it still your old (nearly dead) aunt. I wanted the personality to be more woven through the piece (Which there is a lot in there, just not showing the "fun" side) instead of being tacked on like the friend no one likes.
#16
I began my search in the most obvious place, where it all began. In the wake of setting sun, the room took on an eerie life of its own.

I started at the noise, a kind of wet, hollow sound. Something was not right.


These are the kinds of things that detract from the story. It's fast paced as it is, but some of your scenes are sped through too quickly. That, and I think you could use paragraphing alot better to pace the story in the way you want. That wall of text in the middle was not friendly to the eyes and ears.

The story itself is interesting, and can work with a fast pace. But sometimes, it's too fast, ya know?

P.S. I still have more crits to give you. I'll be on your next one like a fly on ****.
#17
Personally, I enjoyed this less than part II and more than part I. It was captivating but I didn't feel the suspense I felt on the other two. Now, on to part IV.

Sorry I took such a long time, mate; and for giving such a crappy crit, but I'm out of patience to do a long one.