#1
Intro

Verse:
Frail with empathy
and I'm winning by default
please keep on talking
'till I hit the ground

Running out of time
try to mend my wings of wax
though storms are coming
I can't hear a sound

Chorus:
Thought that I could just
abandon definition of me
my need to try and fly
now I'm left to cry, baby, cry

Verse:
One-dimensional
my eruption, can't ignite
all that I am
just try to stick around

Chorus

Bridge:
Worthless memories,
real-time delay
Can I eat it?
Can I stay?

Chorus x2

Outro

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C4C, of course. Thanks in advance.
#2
Hrmmm, overall, the rhyming and rhythm is nice. The only thing in this may be that there's not a lot of content. The wording does not produce a firm feeling or picture in my mind at least. I don't know, maybe I'm just oblivious, but I like it. Nice words and smoothness, but it seems not as solid as something else when it comes to meaning.

Nice work though.
#3
Intro

Verse:
Frail with empathy
and I'm winning by default
please keep on talking
'till I hit the ground

I didn't get that last line until the next verse, so I thought that was good. I really like the 2nd line too, you don't see it too often...or at least I don't.


Running out of time
try to mend my wings of wax
though storms are coming
I can't hear a sound

The last line didn't make sense to me. It seems the first three lines kinda of relate, but then the last line breaks it off.

Chorus:
Thought that I could just
abandon definition of me
my need to try and fly
now I'm left to cry, baby, cry

Second line was a bit confusing. Seems poetic though. Not sure with that one.

Verse:
One-dimensional
my eruption, can't ignite
all that I am
just try to stick around

I like it. Wasn't bad, but wasn't special. 2nd line was cool.

Chorus

Bridge:
Worthless memories,
real-time delay
Can I eat it?
Can I stay?

I didn't get the 3rd line. It kind of took me out of the mood of the song.

Chorus x2

Outro

--------

Overall, not bad. I think a little refining will make the message that much clearer and the song a lot better. Thanks for criting my piece!
#4
Quote by AlienFinger79
Intro

Verse:
Frail with empathy
and I'm winning by default
please keep on talking
Good, love the first two lines, instant great beginning, and the third starts something insightful....
'till I hit the ground
...Bam, cliche. The whole "falling" idea. Although it kind of ties in with the next stanza, out here on it's own just did nothing for me.

Running out of time
try to mend my wings of wax
Lovely. Enjoyed the illiteration m,m,w,w.
though storms are coming
I can't hear a sound
Good, but feels extremely separated from the rest. You talk about this character with "wax wings" (something I'll interpret on my own later, this is just a text based analysis), and then give us this same old rubbish about a storm. The "I can't hear..." gave a little insight, but not enough, and not relevant enough.

Chorus:
Thought that I could just
abandon definition of me
I'm unsure about this second line. It's a great idea, and although I can understand what you are saying, you have written it really strangely, like you were limited by the rhythm, syllable count etc here.
my need to try and fly
I guess me not being a fan of wings/flying/falling is going to be a problem here, huh?
now I'm left to cry, baby, cry
Nice. Although the rhyme felt forced on the "fly" part.

Verse:
One-dimensional
my eruption, can't ignite
all that I am
just try to stick around
Brilliant.

Chorus

Bridge:
Worthless memories,
real-time delay
Great.
Can I eat it?
Whoa whoa whoa. Whoa. What!?!?!
Can I stay?
A little cliche, but still good.

Chorus x2

Outro

--------

C4C, of course. Thanks in advance.



I really did enjoy it. You use so few words, yet you make sure that (most of them) all carried their own weight. I was slightly confused by your intentions with this though, the clarity of ideas and suchlike.

Nicely done, yet you are still hanging onto a few cliched ideas, when you clearly no longer need to.
#5
Thanks for the critique. It was, I felt, spot on, and I am very grateful.

I haven't forgotten you, but I haven't had access to the internet for some time, and I am writing this on a borrowed computer. I will crit you back, so don't worry, but it won't be for a week or so.

As for the song, I have listened to your advice and heavily revised it. I will be posting it under a different name, and add a link to it here. It is not complete yet though, so you'll have to wait a while. Critting the revised version would be very appreciated.

Once more thanks and a happy new year.
AlienFinger79