#1
under the fading yellow light
the sand shimmers in the wind,
brushes against her supple, Spanish skin,
and rays of the setting sun
shine dully on the pages of her book,
each time one turns it leaves the taste
of sea air, smoke and dust.
she shakes the sand
off her supple, Spanish back,
places her book
back in her old, discoloured beach bag,
pushes her hair out of her face
and stares over restless waves
wreaking havoc on far out pirate ships
and the other children's games
held in her head
by the howling winds
whispering never grow old
or forget a thing;

so she stands slowly
and sails down the dunes
under the dark of the night
and walks calm towards the moon.
soon as she places a foot
in the shaky water,
her head's pulled under
and the games are over;
the wind screams
let them take her.


no excuses
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at Dec 14, 2008,
#2
Don't be worried by the negative comments that pock the first half. I'm just being nit-picky .
Quote by DigUpHerBones
under the fading yellow light
the sand shimmers in the wind,
brushes against her supple, Spanish skin,
This rhyme feels like it came too early. It's pretty distracting.
one ray of the setting sun
I don't like "one ray" as an image. Don't ask me why.
shines dully on the pages of her book
and each time one turns it leaves the taste
of sea air, smoke and dust.
she shakes the sand
off her supple, Spanish back,
I don't think I like the second usage of supple.
places her book
back in her old, discoloured beach-bag,
I don't like discoloured either. And the hyphen is ugly. Just ditch it. Also, this line and the one before it are broken in a way that it comes across painfully slow. Everything else can be slow because your describing them. But (to me, at least) this bit is the official end of the first half. Putting the book in the bag was about moving from one scene to the next. So maybe it should be quicker, ya know?
pushes her hair out of her face
and stares over restless waves
wreaking havoc on far out pirate ships
and the other children's games
held in her head
by the howling winds
whispering never grow old
or forget a thing;

so she stands slowly
and sails down the dunes
under the dark of the night
and walks calm towards the moon.
soon as she places a foot
in the shaky water,
her head's pulled under
and the games are over;
the wind screams
let them take her.

no excuses
This is what I'm talkin' about! It has that same Katherine style, but is very decisive compared to most of your stuff. I found it very relatable.


Overall, it was good as always, but seemed to go further into different territory than what I normally see from you, which was a pleasant surprise. I do feel that it's technically flawed somewhat, but it's worth more than the sum of its parts.

Hope I was of help.
I have nothing for you to crit right now.
#3
The title sounds like "Nice and Blue" and "Nice and Blue Pt. 2" by mewithoutYou. I'm not saying you're copying, but some people might get whiny.
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#4
This was absolutely gorgeous, lovely writing. I enjoyed every word of this.

Really. :]
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#5
This looks more like your older stuff, to me. It's very good. Your writing style is always so pristine and articulate and beyond my powers of expertise, so I can't really give anything that will help you improve. So, all I can say is well done. This is a very nice piece that doesn't quite hit hard, but still is more than worth the effort to figure out a meaning. Which is probably totally contrary to your original idea, but your writing has always been like that, I've found.
#6
WOw, Katherine, what happened to not being able to write, hey? This was brilliant. I wont nitpik because ninjamonkey covered that, i'll just say i loved the confidence behind the words. Fantastic.
#7
Thank you, everyone
I've made a couple of minor changes from what ninjamonkey said, but I'm rather fond of the second supple. I may work on the beginning rhyme, too, I agree that it's distracting but am having trouble thinking of alternatives because it works in my head now. I'd love to hear your interpretation, Dan.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#9
enjoyed it. but i hate the word supple.
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each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#10
i enjoyed that aswell. the title fits quite well, very calming effect.
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#12
I hate the word supple as well.

This was very good. You are getting a lot better. I hesitate to say I loved it but I enjoyed it thoroughly. It grows on me with each read which is great. I just don't think anything except the last line is very memorable though. Very solid writing. more of this please.


~Jimmy
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#13
Dan: that'd be nice
freshtunes: it may be against popular opinion, but I think I'm going to stick with supple. Thanks
kdownes: cheers love
Jimmy: sad it wasn't memorable

Thank you I'll get back to you if I haven't already.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#16
I thought the supple countered the back, in my mind it did at least. I'll continue thinking about it. I can't think of anything soft enough to replace it. Thank you.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#17
Quote by DigUpHerBones
Dan: that'd be nice
freshtunes: it may be against popular opinion, but I think I'm going to stick with supple. Thanks
kdownes: cheers love
Jimmy: sad it wasn't memorable

Thank you I'll get back to you if I haven't already.


i really don't mean that I didn't like it. I really do a lot
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#18
No worries. I just need to push it up
Cheers love.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#19
supple makes me think of nipples. No idea why.

Anyways, this was quite tasty. It got a bit lost in its own imagery though, at points I just needed you to hurry up and scoot this along so that I wasn't so hung up and feeling like I'm staring at a still frame. It needed a fast paced motion (which was there for a lot of it), but some parts didn't have it and it tripped on itself.

Your writing has improved a lot, now the point its come to is honing. You need to learn to read your piece (After you are finished) and pick out spots that... frankly... suck compared to the rest. Your last pieces have all been like this... lots and lots of highpoints... but the low points stick out because they just drop off a table from the rest. Those are the points that really stick in my memory... because its so drastic. Like, here, you need to be able to re-read this and find the parts that drag. You need to be able to re-read this and say... my word choices here make it laborious to read... I'll go simpler and make this spicy and choppy. You have a lot of potential, the thing holding you back is that you cramp your own style a lot, by not editing well. You need to learn to let you express you, without getting na overload. I think with editing skills, you will become quite masterful in time.

Yeah. I won't in-depth this. Your next step is to learn to in-depth yourself. If you have questions though, feel free to ask love.

New one in sig, Mimi-me. Should you have time.
#20
Thank you, Zach, you're lovely and helpful

I'll get to your piece soon.

This can drop.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#21
That was beautiful... It really was. I won't nitpick because ninjamonkey pretty much mentioned the one thing that got me was that early rhyme that sounded a bit off, but it was great. It was very deep and I could see where you were going with it the entire time unlike some other writers where you have to read it twenty times to really understand it. Keep writing like this because it's great.
#22
I believe I've mentioned before that your writing really takes me there.

What this means to me: I see the water as the future, which this not-yet-a-woman is trying to test the temperature of and decide if she's ready, but she gets 'pulled under' against her will. Childhood is being tossed around and roughed up by the future, all the while she is watching this happen from the twilight hours of her own childhood. The book bit I'm in debate about, whether it symbolizes the past, present, or also the future. I'm leaning towards the "sea air, smoke and dust" smell coming from the new pages and representing the future, but the description leaves room for really any of the three.

Whichever the case, the message was presented beautifully. Always a joy to read.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.