#1
Post funny and/or mildly amusing quotes in this thread.

These are from George Carlin

1. When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

2. When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

3. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

4. When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

5. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

6. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

7. Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

8. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

9. Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

10. Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

12. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

13. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

14. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

15. I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

16. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

17. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

18. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

19. I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

20. Electricity is really just organized lightning.

21. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

22. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

23. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

24. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

25. Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

26. Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

27. I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

28. Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?

29. I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

30. There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

31. At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

32. As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

33. The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

34. Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

35. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

36. I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

37. The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

38. Religion convinced the world that there's an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there's 10 things he doesn't want you to do or else you'll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! ...And he needs money! He's all powerful, but he can't handle money!

39. This is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen.

Steven Wright Quotes

Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
#5
"I feel bad for people who don't drink, cause when they wake up in the morning, thats the best their going to feel all day"

- Frank Sinatra

Epiphone Les Paul Standard Plus-Top, SH-2 and SH-5
Ibanez GRX20
Baron Acoustic
Peavey Valveking 112
Roland Cube 15
Dunlop Crybaby From Hell
Dunlop GCB-95 Crybaby
Boss MT-2 Metal Zone
Boss PH-3 Phase Shifter
Boss BF-3 Flanger
#6
*whilst seeing a girl dancing semi naked around the room*

I saw a film like this one......It Ended well for both people
Gear

Guitars - Fender Deluxe Player Strat, Squier Affinity Strat, Ibanez TCM - 50

Amps - Fender Blues Deluxe

Effects - Boss ME-50

Other - Banjo


Jazz Is not music, Its a way of life
#7
Time is not made up of lines, it is made up of circles thats why clocks are round, Red Vs Blue is one of the funniest things ever and Caboose kicks ass!
#8
If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.

When i was born, i was so surprised that i didn't talk for a year and a half.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens

I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet

I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.

The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff
I defecate all over my clothes to get extra protected
Roses are Red
Violets are Bitchin
God Dammit Woman
Get Back in the Kitchen
#9
lolwut? if you remember or know what its referring to. i also always liked yogi bera's "the future ain't what it used to be."
Tampa Bay Buccaneers

South Carolina Gamecocks

Quote by SGstriker
Chef Strato-Massacre: Cooking shitstorms since that comment.

Quote by PurpleClawz
Damnit why are you full of so much win
#10
That's some rather epic necro-posting, quite irratating to click on the thread, read the entire first post and then find my comment and realise I read them all three months ago