#1
These moments are transient, they pass as she exhales.
Hers are the only words that don’t pollute the air.
She permeates inside my heart.
A semblance of perfection, shattered.
(All the things we wish to love, we find ourselves separated from)

She resonates, I still hear everything she says.
She’s still singing about what was,
she’s still singing, “It was your request.”

She moves in the most overwhelming of ways.
And permeates inside my heart.
Still endeared, as faint as she gets.
Please don’t fade away…

She resonates, I still hear everything, she says.
She’s still singing, about what was,
she’s still singing, “It was your request.”
I’m still singing “I love…”


I need to edit this a bit. Suggestions? c4c
Last edited by Matt Chavie at Dec 14, 2008,
#2
Quote by Matt Chavie
These moments are transient, they pass as she exhales.
Hers are the only words that don’t pollute the air.
She permeates inside my heart.
A semblance of perfection, shattered.
All the things we wish to love, we find ourselves separated from.
You’re what’s dangling in front of me.

She resonates, I still hear everything, she says.
She’s still singing about what was,
she’s still singing, “It was your request.”

She moves in the most overwhelming of ways.
And permeates, inside my heart.
Still endeared, as faint as she gets.
All the things we wish to love, we find ourselves separated from.
You’re what’s dangling in front of me.
This is probably the little thing that bothers me about this. The two "verses" so to speak, repeat a lot of themselves, not saying much new, which is alright. But then, instead of changing a line, you add one. Also, the line "And permeates inside my heart" aren't the same in both verses. Either remove or add a comma.
She resonates, I still hear everything, she says.
She’s still singing, about what was,
she’s still singing, “It was your request.”
I’m still singing “I love…”
Again, you added a line.
(All the things we wish to love we find ourselves separated from.)
A semblance of perfection, she’s still singing.


I need to edit this a bit. Suggestions? c4c


This is very good, I'm trying to be decently critical, but this is good. You use a lot of vivid words to describe feelings. It may sound a bit cliche at points, but there's only so many ways to express love and all. With some changes, this could be rather awesome.
#3
I thought this was really well done. But i think you need to rework it so the lines add up a little better. Also, the "You're what's dangling in front of me" seemed a little out of place. Maybe making it less direct....i dont know. Im really in no place to criticize, this is a fine piece of work