#1
I can't help but be afraid, but I know what I'm doing. Besides, in the end, does it really matter?

Show me the way.

As random as the wind does chime,
I look over the pages I've written
as if they were my real character.
And he actually looked me in the eye and said
"with the war gone, where does this soldier turn to?"
Paper and pen was just for sustenance,
a faint prayer to God for the strength to endure.
I threw them away.

For the first time in years,
I took the knife from beneath my pillow
and laid it to rest.
He will not come back.
Replaced it with a pen and a promise,
"an opus to my brothers of heart."
And with father gone
my canvas is no longer a wishing well
swallowed by darkness.
I will walk like a fawn, but
talk like an elder,
and that's okay.
Because when the house is empty
does it really matter?
Last edited by Ninjamonkey767 at Dec 13, 2008,
#3
I think you're improving a lot, man. This is probably the best I've read from you to date.

Hopefully I'll remember to come back and try to be picky but this was pretty solid.

I didn't like "soldier turn to". I think it would be better without the 'to' even though turn to rhymes nicely with 'actually looked' it's too awkwardly spaced for that to be worth keeping it.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#4
This was pretty good, I didnt like the first line it didnt make sense to me, and I didnt like the line about the soilder, drop the to and it will be fine IMO overall its pretty good if you dont mind criting mine the link is in my sig Conflicted Addiction
#5
Quote by Ninjamonkey767
I can't help but be afraid, but I know what I'm doing. Besides, in the end, does it really matter?

Show me the way.

As random as the wind does chime,
I don't like the way this is worded to be honest. I don't see the relation between chime, the wind and the rest of the piece.
I look over the pages I've written
as if they were my real character.
Very odd way of wording, but it's growing on me.
And he actually looked me in the eye and said
"with the war gone, where does this soldier turn to?"
Paper and pen was just for sustenance,
a faint prayer to God for the strength to endure.
I threw them away.

For the first time in years,
I took the knife from beneath my pillow
and laid it to rest.
Do you need a fullstop here? Something has ruined the buzz of going onto the next line that I can't quite figure out. Maybe the buzz is the 'mistake'
He will not come back.
Replaced it with a pen and a promise,
Don't like the way you started a new sentence with "replaced" without anything to build up to it.
"an opus to my brothers of heart."
And with father gone
my canvas is no longer a wishing well
swallowed by darkness.
I will walk like a fawn, but
talk like an elder,
and that's okay.
Because when the house is empty
does it really matter?


Funnily enough, this is not as good on the fourth time round. I read this twice when I first posted, then twice again when I returned - I told you I would - and it just didn't strike me like it did before. Maybe those few corrections could alleviate the 'problem'.
That said, this is a memorable piece, maybe because I consider a lot of your pieces to be memorable because I can specifically relate to them in powerful ways - at least I imagine I can - or maybe it's the oddities in this that give it it's character and makes me want to return. Almost like a scratched record but that sounds cool because of that imperfection.
Looking forward to your next one.

Digitally Clean
#6
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#7
well, i have read this over and over, but i just cant get into it. Thres somehing missing, but i couldnt tell u for the life of me whats wrong
#8
I really got something from this as is and thoroughly enjoyed it
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#9
Dan: Thanks for returning.
Kyle: I get that feeling, too, but it's hard for me to identify.
Katherine: Glad you got something from it! It's not often that happens. *two smiley faces drinking beer*

Lemme know when any of you three post something, and I'll hit it up.
Last edited by Ninjamonkey767 at Dec 17, 2008,