#1
On the eve of Adam’s woe
he walked into the ocean
and the waves put on a show
of water-blues in motion.
The current swept beneath his feet
to guide his tumbling body down,
recruited him to join the fleet,
the loyal armies of the drowned.

On the eve of Adam’s woe
the ocean took him in;
he then sunk to bottom’s low,
forgoing every sin.
The dark creatures of the deep
welcomed their newest friend,
and eternal tender sleep
has brought him to his end.

On the eve of Adam’s woe
he stepped into the ocean
and gently let his body go,
surrendered to devotion.
The loving sand forgot so soon
what careful steps he wept
and waves caressed the moonlit dunes;
the land of no regret.

On the eve of Adam’s woe,
Eve wondered where he went.
This is not a pipe
#2
On the eve of Adam’s woe
he walked into the ocean
and the waves put on a show
The rhymes here seemed quite forced to me, although this is the only one in the whole piece that does
of water-blues in motion.
The current swept beneath his feet
guiding his tumbling body down,
The flow here doesn't seem quite right, 1 too many syllables IMO
recruited him to join the fleet,
the loyal armies of the drowned.
I liked these two lines

On the eve of Adam’s woe
the ocean took him in;
he then sunk to bottom’s low,
I quite like this line, but it took a few reads to make sense of it (may just be me though)
forgoing every sin.
The dark creatures of the deep
welcomed their newest friend,
and eternal tender sleep
You said "dark creatures of the deep" Connotations I have with these, are not of tenderness, which you refer to in the next few lines. It seems a bit contradictory
has brought him to his end.

On the eve of Adam’s woe
he stepped into the ocean
and gently let his body go,
surrendered to devotion.
Loved this line
The loving sand forgot so soon
what careful steps he wept
Not so sure about this line
and waves caressed the moonlit dunes;
the land of no regret.

On the eve of Adam’s woe,
Eve wondered where he went.
To me, this seems just an 'add on'. Either scrap it, or develop further.

All in all, I think this has great potential, just a few tweaks here are there
I think with the execption of L3, the simple rhyming scheme works really well and doesn't distract the reader.
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Last edited by jon93971 at Dec 13, 2008,
#3
I really enjoyed this. I think that if poetry uses a rhyme scheme as common as this, but actually makes it work, flow and not sound forced, it is so much more beautiful. You nailed it.
#4
I think you should develop the last bit, it felt too much of an add-on.


Apart from that, the simple rhyme scheme worked wonders, without ever sounding forced. It kept centered with it's notions and it ended up being an extremely enjoyable read.

Nice.
#5
i saw the title from the front page and i was so praying that it would be a talented writer behind it. it would be a shame to waste such a great biblical pun on a mediocre piece. i liked this on first read. i'll probably be back.
#6
I like the last little bit, but i think you could make it far more powerful with some rewording. As for the rest of it, i loved it. Great flow and imagery. I don't think you need to change anything. I'm sure i'll be back to read this again.
#7
Just a comment to say I don't think the last bit should be got rid of, for me it's the most effective bit.

'Adam, Adam, Adam, ADAM! ... but what about Eve?' Of course eve is there all
a long, but that's the point, I suppose.

I thought it was a poignant moment and if it was expanded it would ruin it.
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#8
Quote by carmel_l
On the eve of Adam’s woe
he walked into the ocean
and the waves put on a show
of water-blues in motion.
The current swept beneath his feet
guiding his tumbling body down, <-- flow is slightly boken here. A syllable or two.
recruited him to join the fleet,
the loyal armies of the drowned.

Beautiful so far.

On the eve of Adam’s woe
the ocean took him in;
he then sunk to bottom’s low,
forgoing every sin.
The dark creatures of the deep <-- flow is slightly off here. Seems like it's missing a syllable or two.
welcomed their newest friend,
and eternal tender sleep
has brought him to his end. <-- tense clash here? I feel like the 'has' shouldn't be there.

On the eve of Adam’s woe
he stepped into the ocean
and gently let his body go,
surrendered to devotion.
The loving sand forgot so soon
what careful steps he wept
and waves caressed the moonlit dunes;
the land of no regret.

On the eve of Adam’s woe,
Eve wondered where he went.<-- Seems like the piece could do without this. Didn't really add anything IMO, since the piece is about Adam...


Besides those little complaints, I thought it was a lovely poem. Keep writing. Have a nice day.
#9
Just going to say this: ending will not change under any circumstances. If you don't get it, I understand, that's your right. I'm not going to explain it either. But it will not change.
This is not a pipe
#11
I loved this carmel, probably my favourite from you. The rhyming was excellent. I love the way you expressed the feeling on anguish and insecurity. Pretty damn well executed, if you ask me.
#12
"The loving sand forgot so soon
what careful steps he wept
and waves caressed the moonlit dunes;
the land of no regret.

On the eve of Adam’s woe,
Eve wondered where he went."
- Best bit, if you ask me.

This line here "surrendered to devotion." spoke so determinedly for the whole piece and really tied everything together. I don't know whether this is the right theme you wanted to be present here but I thought the way you described devotion to a higher personage to be really awesome. Although I am not quite in agreement with the way that you may or may not believe that how someone can be devoted to something more powerful is insecure and desperate, I still feel that the way you laid out the emotions of slavery and following someone or something until your death is really well done. But, once again, if I'm taking it the right way, I don't entirely believe in you. That's just personal and doesn't really reflect the quality of the writing very much, it's just differing opinions on something that could well be misunderstood, knowing me.

The contrast of these lines here, "the land of no regret." and "On the eve of Adam’s woe" does really helps you notice the instability and insecurity, as circular mentioned. And that propels this into newer territory, more relatable and emotional areas, instead of characterizing certain individuals into how you feel - which is not bad, just not what I believe in, on a personally level – well done Carmel, this was good.

Digitally Clean
#13
Fantastic. I wish I could critique it but all the rhyming was effective and the structure as well.

The last lines made me sad. It's what told me what the piece means (at least what I think it means).

Really impressive.
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#14
i think i caught a small glimpse of Heaven in this.
it's so incredibly powerful.
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#15
On the eve of Adam’s woe
he walked into the ocean
and the waves put on a show
of water-blues in motion.
The current swept beneath his feet
to guide his tumbling body down,
recruited him to join the fleet,
the loyal armies of the drowned.

-- Excellent opening. It's not an interesting rhyme scheme, but how you broke up the lines intrigued me. Excellent imagery, felt like I was right there with 'ol Adam. My only gripe is that I felt that the rhythm that you had beautifully set up with the first four lines wasn't duplicated in the last. Either one has one to many sylables in each line, or the other not enough ...

On the eve of Adam’s woe
the ocean took him in;
he then sunk to bottom’s low,
forgoing every sin.
The dark creatures of the deep
welcomed their newest friend,
and eternal tender sleep
has brought him to his end.

--Still bothered by the rhythm, but maybe I'm just missing it. It seems like a poem, so I don't think it's how it would be "sung" ... so I don't know. Again though, the rhyming is flawless, and even though there has been a lot of rhyming up to this point, I don't think any of it feels forced at all. Really, good work!!

On the eve of Adam’s woe
he stepped into the ocean
and gently let his body go,
surrendered to devotion.
The loving sand forgot so soon
what careful steps he wept
and waves caressed the moonlit dunes;
the land of no regret.

--I'd like this first part here, except for it's not the ending stanza. I like the idea of repeating the first few lines, bringing about a type of "closure" or "full circle" to the piece, but kind of defeats that purpose if you add more stanzas. "What careful steps he wept / and waves caressed the moonlit dunes" ... that part was pure poetic gold. It's excellent, I got goosebumbs.

On the eve of Adam’s woe,
Eve wondered where he went.

--I don't like this ending, only cause you've developed such a tight lyrical rhyme pattern, that it stands out as not rhyming. I like the idea of it, bring in Eve (at least I think that's the idea) but it just seems odd that it doesn't rhyme. To the point were I'm thinking "why doesn't it rhyme" vs, "wow, that was a great ending" ...

Your a great writer, and like most of your previous posts, it was a pleasant read. Nice work.

Here's mine if you so incline: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1019200
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#16
well, i'm going to break the pattern and say that i didn't like his at all. The whole thing just seemed so...contrite (not exactly the right word). You're pieces are usuall so captivating, but this one lost me completely. Even the content seemed so lifeless. you've got some strong imagery, and clever ideas, but the piece jus feels like a lot of reiteration. There is no expansion, no real story line. But maybe this whole thing has just gone completel over m head. I've read this over and over again, but i just can't get into it
#17
First of all I loved this piece and I'm incrediably sorry that I have bugger all to say about it. It just seemed to lovingly crafted to me. Exactly how a poem should be.

However I do find it funny that people are complaining about the ending. The whole tacked on thing and it doesn't rhythm, well look at it this way, what ever you think it means, would it be any more effective if it rhymed and was developed more. Personally, I think changing it would beat all the goodness out of a perfect ending. The fact that its is hanging off the end and doesn't rhyme makes it stand out, and for that matter its don't its job as it the most talked about part of this poem.

Very well done on this piece Carmel. Everything worked for me. The meaning is subtle, which is just how it should be. It means something to you, and it could mean different things to different people. brilliant! Personally I'm glad that this wasn't over done, or given a story line or explained fully.
Last edited by Of_Wolves at Dec 15, 2008,
#18
Wonderfully committed and motivated poetry. By that I mean you didn't cop-out, you didn't give in toward the end, and the rhyming never took away from the ideas. You saw it through and it shows.

Though the metre stumbles occasionally, this is a really great exploration Carmel.

Don't change the ending, it couldn't be more perfect for this.

Really, really smart piece, Carmel.

<3
#19
Look. The ending makes the piece.

If you guys don't see that, I don't know what to tell you. Obviously poor readers.

/upset
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#20
^i have to agree with that. not the poor readers part necessarily. but the whole essence of the piece is there. imo carmel if you go without the ending than this piece has no reason to be.
#21
when I finished reading this I laughed for some reason. I think it's brilliant, honestly brilliant. Favorite line is the last one, gives it a perfect ending.
#22
For once, I get your piece. Which is a wonderful experience in and of itself. It stretched me a bit, and I liked that. The flow and bounce were well done, the message was nicely tucked underneath a wall of beautifully crafted images, and for once... I feel like you might have actually enjoyed writing this. Normally, when I read you... I feel like I'm reading a poem by someone who was told "write or I'll kill you" it seems so unwilling, so... like pulling teeth. Reserved; that's the word I'm looking for. Like you are refusing to make yourself part of the writing. I know you are, becuase I talk to you... but if I was to read your writing without knowing you at all... a lot of it would feel detached. This however, feels like Carmel (I feel you up while you're sleeping ). It has a built in cynicism, an expressive tone that doesn't feel like a narrator, and a fun side... that you really should show more in your writing.

Things I didn't like: "careful steps he wept" image. I felt that was overdone compared to the rest. Like a really poetic image in a rant about trash removal. It just stuck out for me, and broke a chain of smooth images. "Bottom's Low" repetitive image for the sake of rhyme... that rhyme stuck out as "easy" or "forced." While the rhyming never got old... I feel like the content did a bit. You spent two stanzas, going over essentially the same idea of "sinking and being forgotten" just from different angles. I don't know if its good or bad, to stress it... but I did notice during my read that it was sort of covering hte same territory again. Also, I feel like your ending was wonderful by breaking from the pattern to make it "stressed." That wasn't in the something bad... just a late thought.

Ok, that's all I got.