#1
dun know, free verse... OTS-ish.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Is it really mine if I cannot hold it?
"Hold what?"
-Exactly-
But I can type it for you and that would make it yours.
To be read through a screen; a glass ocean caressing every word gently
as it swims to a rhythm that only you can feel, and you will keep it.
Breed it, feed upon it until you choke as you are
plagued by questions that answers cannot cure.

And you can give it back, but you cannot speak it.
"Speak what?"
-Precisely-
But you can spell it out for me and that would make it right,
at least as far as dictionaries are concerned.
And I will keep it in my heart as it sings to a melody that only I can touch,
conducting a caucophony of careless chords until it's true.

And then it would be ours, and we would know it.
"Know what?!"
-Love-

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Last edited by kunvulshuns at Dec 14, 2008,
#2
Lovely. Yet again. I've only read your latest ones (since you came back) but I'm already able to recognize your style, you.

Bahh, it's great.
#3
This was really really good.

- "Breed it.
Feed upon it until you choke,
plagued by questions that answers cannot cure.
"
- This is the only section that I am iffy over. It just doesn't flow properly from the previous line. Maybe you noticed it, maybe you didn't? It's just something that I perceived and it grated slightly on this overall, great piece.

Like ginjanija said, I've only read a few pieces from you so far, but I can already see a familiar pattern emerging that is very unique and thoroughly enganging.

Digitally Clean
#4
Quote by ginjaninja
Lovely. Yet again. I've only read your latest ones (since you came back) but I'm already able to recognize your style, you.

Bahh, it's great.


I have a style?

Quote by AngryGoldfish
This was really really good.

- "Breed it.
Feed upon it until you choke,
plagued by questions that answers cannot cure."
- This is the only section that I am iffy over. It just doesn't flow properly from the previous line. Maybe you noticed it, maybe you didn't? It's just something that I perceived and it grated slightly on this overall, great piece.

Like ginjanija said, I've only read a few pieces from you so far, but I can already see a familiar pattern emerging that is very unique and thoroughly enganging.

Digitally Clean


Yeah, made a minor change to those lines. Dun know if it helps any.

Thanks for reading guys.
#5
Quote by kunvulshuns
dun know, free verse... OTS-ish.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Is it really mine if I cannot hold it?
"Hold what?"
-Exactly-
But I can type it for you and that would make it yours.
To be read through a screen; a glass ocean caressing every word gently
as it swims to a rhythm that only you can feel, and you will keep it.
Breed it, feed upon it until you choke as you are
plagued by questions that answers cannot cure.
A commentary on how there is not human-to-human love interaction anymore? People speaking their feelings through texting and instant messages where there is no body language, where you can't even see the person. My sentiments exactly.

And you can give it back, but you cannot speak it.
"Speak what?"
-Precisely-
But you can spell it out for me and that would make it right,
at least as far as dictionaries are concerned.
And I will keep it in my heart as it sings to a melody that only I can touch,
conducting a caucophony of careless chords until it's true.
I feel like the melody that only you can touch is how you interpret whatever text you're reading. You can make it mean whatever you'd like, but you never know how it was actually meant to be said

And then it would be ours, and we would know it.
"Know what?!"
-Love-

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=


I liked this. Perhaps a commentary on the lack of actual interaction between people, perhaps just words for words sake. The ironic thing is that i'm reading this across an ocean of glass from you, and I don't know how you really mean all of this. Maybe that's part of the whole artistic statement? Regardless, I really liked this. I liked the style, the message, everything about it. 8.7/10

c4c "On Langston Hughes" in my sig?
#6
^ how do you determine this to be an 8.7/10. I don't get it. was that a snide comment? lol.



Is it really mine if I cannot hold it?
"Hold what?"
-Exactly-
I'm sick of you using these little gimmicky dashes brah. I'll hit you. Introduction is interesting enough, I suppose.
But I can type it for you and that would make it yours.
"That would" felt superfluous. Flows better without it, I'd think.
To be read through a screen; a glass ocean caressing every word gently
as it swims to a rhythm that only you can feel, and you will keep it.
Breed it, feed upon it until you choke as you are
plagued by questions that answers cannot cure.
I loved "questions that answers cannot cure". The wording here gets a little too intense for me at the end. Changes the tone from cute to a little brash. You're always a little brash though, but I liked ya more when you're cute.

And you can give it back, but you cannot speak it.
"Speak what?"
-Precisely-
But you can spell it out for me and that would make it right,
at least as far as dictionaries are concerned.
Eh.
And I will keep it in my heart as it sings to a melody that only I can touch,
conducting a caucophony of careless chords until it's true.
"Cacophony". Last line here is particularly impressive as well. A melody only you could touch felt a little odd to me. I'm not sure touch is the right word. Doesn't jive.

And then it would be ours, and we would know it.
"Know what?!"
-Love-

awwwwww. Cool ending. Except for the dashes. I think the wording in the last couple lines of the first stanza fit the tone even less now that I've read this whole thing.

Pretty impressive overall, though. Not that I'd expect anything less.

#7
I thought this was cute. It was pretty and technically sound. I don't really think I like the question answer format much in this case but the idea was nice and you executed it well.

I liked this but I like it the least of the last few you've posted

Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me