#1
Perhaps a dream deferred doesn't explode at all.
Perhaps it just devours itself.
Becoming smaller, more concentrated, until it's a black hole.
An aching void that consumes everything it comes in contact with
And letting nothing escape.

That nothingness might be even worse.
Eating you from the inside.
It takes away any sort of meaningful emotion.
Instead, that ache replaces that dream
with an unceasing ire.

I know I'm not the only one.
I see your feigned smiles and raise you a festering tumor of self-loathing.
A malignant disgust for your actions and your devilishly manipulative words.
But I know that you will go absolutely no where.

We will go absolutely nowhere.
#2
Did you take this from the first chapter in "A Raisin in the Sun" or just take the idea?
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#3
I read the Langston Hughes poem "A Dream Deferred" a while back and came up with the first few lines while writing a seperate poem. I took it and made it a poem in it's own right. I haven't read a raisin in the sun(though i know it's title is from the aforementioned LH poem), is this how the beginning of it goes?
#4
I'm a big fan of Hughes' poems, so this is definitely something I enjoyed. The last stanza is easily the best for me, it has a disturbing feel to it with the word choices that end up working amazingly (raise you a festering tumor of self-loathing) (A malignant disgust for your actions and your devilishly manipulative words.) and coming off in a different tone than I'd expected it to go.

The final line makes it though. Transitioning from you to we MAKES the poem.
#5
To be honest, I liked this a lot. I connected with it personally (unfortunately ) and it's a pretty moving piece. Sure, there aren't beautiful images or tangible stories, but it was good writing. I think you could take that into consideration but I think this is fine how it is.

and i'd consider making the bold 'we' italics instead.

solid piece.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#6
Quote by JakdOnCrack
Perhaps a dream deferred doesn't explode at all.
Perhaps it just devours itself.
Becoming smaller, more concentrated, until it's a black hole.
An aching void that consumes everything it comes in contact with
And letting nothing escape.

Felt that the 'and' didn't belong in the last line. Other than that, it's a good intro. Love how you used the black hole idea here.

That nothingness might be even worse.
Eating you from the inside.
It takes away any sort of meaningful emotion.
Instead, that ache replaces that dream
with an unceasing ire.

By saying it 'might' takes away from the sincerety I get from reading this. It makes the statement less believable for me... how can I explain... it makes the narrator sound unsure of what he is saying. Repetition of 'that' got to me here. the/that would sound better in my opinion.

I know I'm not the only one.
I see your feigned smiles and raise you a festering tumor of self-loathing.
A malignant disgust for your actions and your devilishly manipulative words.
But I know that you will go absolutely no where.

'I'm know I'm not the only one' is too cliched. I feel that you can come up with something to the same effect that isn't common and bland. Another nitpick - nowhere is one word I believe.

We will go absolutely nowhere.

Agreed that italics would work better than bold.


All in all, good piece you have here, just some snags here and there for me.

And you don't need pictures to get a point across, though sometimes it does help
Have a nice day..
Last edited by kunvulshuns at Dec 14, 2008,
#8
grab that book, you'll notice major similarities.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror