#1
this is the first poem i have written in a while. i wrote it with one pattern then switched it up half way through trying to build the intensity. c4c


The silence broke by an ocean wave,
smashing against our feet, so cold.
Hearing the wind storm through an open cave
as we stand together as the day grows old.
Our toes squeezing the wet cool sand
while our hands hold each other tight.
Looking out across the water like land
we see the sun set, and then the moon rise.
I think to myself what could be better than this,
then my alarm goes off, my mind awakes.
Its just another dream of feeling complete bliss.
I've healed my heart from too many breaks.
I should just stop and let the pieces divide,
let them break, let them multiply.
Until you find just a piece and began to cry
the tears will bring me back together inside.
Then my alarm goes off, my mind awakes
as i pick up the pieces from another break.
When will this madness stop taking place?
My patience is dead I will no longer wait!
When i see you my eyes burn from rage!
That knowledge I have that knowledge I hate!
That knowing of you not in my fate!
Kills me inside every single day!
When, i ask. When will this change?
I don’t know how to speak I don’t know what to say.
So much on my mind and you keep moving away.
I feel my life will end and it will be too late...
as the hearse carries me to the final spot i lay
will you be following in grief, sorrow, and pain
or see me cry watching the time you waste
when we could be together... so closely embraced.
#2
Quote by jesse thompson

The silence broke by an ocean wave,
Broken perhaps?
smashing against our feet, so cold.
Hearing the wind storm through an open cave
as we stand together as the day grows old.
I don't like the repetition of "as". Get rid of the first one and just start the line with "we stand...".
Our toes squeezing the wet cool sand
"Cool wet" Sounds better IMO.
while our hands hold each other tight.
Looking out across the water like land
we see the sun set, and then the moon rise.
Get rid of "then"
I think to myself what could be better than this,
then my alarm goes off, my mind awakes.
Its just another dream of feeling complete bliss.
I've healed my heart from too many breaks.
I should just stop and let the pieces divide,
let them break, let them multiply.
Don't like the repetition of "break".
Until you find just a piece and began to cry
Tenses- Find, and Began. Either found and began or find and begin. I don't like the word "just" in this line, it feels too much like filler.
the tears will bring me back together inside.
Then my alarm goes off, my mind awakes
as i pick up the pieces from another break.
Capital I.
When will this madness stop taking place?
My patience is dead I will no longer wait!
When i see you my eyes burn from rage!
Capital I.
That knowledge I have that knowledge I hate!
That knowing of you not in my fate!
Kills me inside every single day!
These exclamation marks are a bit over the top here. These last two lines are part of one sentence, but you broke it with a !.
When, i ask. When will this change?
I
I don’t know how to speak I don’t know what to say.
So much on my mind and you keep moving away.
I feel my life will end and it will be too late...
as the hearse carries me to the final spot i lay
I
will you be following in grief, sorrow, and pain
or see me cry watching the time you waste
when we could be together... so closely embraced.



Great, really clever and well written.


C4C? Dear Diary, in sig.