#1
Girls Love to Bounce like Tigger


Remember that game that we played as children,
where the floor was a volcano?
Where you had to bounce from
one bed
to the other,
carefully avoiding each unsociable segment of carpet
like the brave and daring Indian Jones.
At some point, someone would always fall in,
right?
it was only a matter of time,
and when they did, we would laugh harder than we had ever done before,
the coke in our lungs running down our nostrils.
But after those laughs filtered away,
wouldn't we always jump in after them,
being the ultimate sidekick to the ultimate hero
that we were?

One particular day of this; no specialty to it,
except,
Emily's mother had brought
her daughter round to join in, and
of course, she was hot and I had a terrible crush on her,
even at the age of seven.
I would court her from one chair to the other,
her pink frilly skirt yelling in the breeze, loving every second of it.
She was a real woman;
she wanted a hero to chase her down;
to romanticize about her;
to claim her as Queen;
to be powerful.


And yes, I still do chase her to this day,
still mark her footsteps in the sand, praying no wind will
blow them away.
But,
things are different now.
The carpet is not just a place of imaginary blazing sulphur and rock,
it is now a place where words are written in your skin.

You show them to your friends and family,
almost like a trophy for your achievements.
But they laugh.


“You never did catch her”



Digitally Clean
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Dec 14, 2008,
#2
Can't say the first two stanzas brought much to the table except the necessary opening to set up the end and a bit of nostalgia. Put a little more into it, give it some imagery, some of those weird word combos we all love that only you would think of.

"the coke in our lungs running up our nostrils,
discovering the air that we so desperately desired."

Discovering air after releasing the coke? The coke itself is discovering the air? Either leads to the question why is something so "desperately desired" after one incident which pops out of nowhere and sounds like it would take all of 2 seconds to be done with. What I'm saying is I would tone it down, the desperation makes this bit corny and out of place.

The third stanza started beautifully and ended the same. The last didn't do much, except again, necessary setup. Then the last line ruined any sentiment you had going. I would tone that down too, 'bitch' just doesn't work in this case since that's not where you were leading the rest of the poem.

If it all were written like the third stanza I would love this, but the most I can say is it was an enjoyable read but didn't leave much of an impression.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#3
I can't really think of too much editing you can do for this. Jake is right about the first two stanza's, but they really need to be there to create the character of the piece. I can't even imagine you trimming them down any.

I think this is just a piece that is what it is. Enjoyable, but not memorable.

P.S. Get rid of "bitch"
#4
I loved this, Dan, you've really got a nack for real life. I wasn't a huge fan of your last couple of pieces but this one was one of the best i've read from you in a while now. I wouldn't change anything.
#5
the coke in our lungs running up our nostrils.

Running down your nostrils, surely?

even at an age of seven.

The age, maybe?

The carpet is not just a place of imaginary blazing sulphur and rock,

I think there's too much description, it made it jumble up for me. I don't think the blazing is needed.

That was nitpicking for you, m'dear. I'm glad you wrote this (and posted it) It had the feeling all over it that it shouldn't have worked, but it did. Nice.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#6
Quote by AngryGoldfish
I would court her from one chair to the other,
her pink frilly skirt yelling in the breeze, loving every second of it.


I l.o.v.e.d this line... and no, it's not because I'm a perv.

Not a fan of 'hot' as description for beauty. Not the best choice, but maybe I'm just being picky here.

The ending made me smile.

Have a nice day.
#7
Thanks a lot folks. I wanted the ending to make people smile, that was my aim.

I'll see if I can edit it according to everyones directions.
#9
wasn't blown a way, but is a relatable experience. I got confused every once in a while on why you paused as in a few places, it almost made it awkward. I think it would have been better had you left it written in longer lines, almost long enough to run out of breathe. I think it could add that "I want to say as much as I can" feel, I hope you know what I mean by that. I really can't explain it any better lol.

For the record, this part was terrible:

of course, she was hot and I had a terrible crush on her,
even at the age of seven.

the use of the word "hot" and the whole idea was equally written sloppy and terribly creepy. If there was one section that i felt needed to be redone, that was it.

Here's mine, if you'd like: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1019200
LISTEN:
A Myspace introduction to:

LEARN:
It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along. -- Maroon 5
#10
I really enjoyed the first two stanzas, Great imagery and feeling everyone should be able to familiarize themselves with, and a hint of character background. The last stanze took me an extra 2 reads before I understood what you were saying but I enjoy that and it was a powerful end still weaved with nice images. Overall not a mind blowing "wow!" read, but certainly a very well painted and constructed work enjoyable to read and re-read
#11
Girls Love to Bounce like Tigger

oh god yeah they do.

Remember that game that we played as children,
where the floor was a volcano?
I don't like opening with a question. It always feels weak, except in cases where it really works, and I've skimmed through this already and I dunno about this here. I think opening up with "I remember, playing volcano..." well actually I don't like that either, but something similar. I used to love that game, haha.
Where you had to bounce from
one bed
to the other,
carefully avoiding each unsociable segment of carpet
"Unsociable segment" was a really odd way to describe the carpet here. Did you really have some patchy ass carpet like mixed with concrete or something? I don't think it works.
like the brave and daring Indian Jones.
Indiana.
At some point, someone would always fall in,
I'd prefer "eventually" or something similar rather than "at some point" because the double "some" in this line doesn't sound all that good.
right?
it was only a matter of time,
and when they did, we would laugh harder than we had ever done before,
the coke in our lungs running down our nostrils.
Gross. I think the wording here is pretty poor.
But after those laughs filtered away,
wouldn't we always jump in after them,
being the ultimate sidekick to the ultimate hero
that we were?
Reminds me of that Disney movie, Sky High. I think the image here at the end isn't that strong. That all said, I really do like the idea behind all this. I'm just not sure about the way in which it's presented.

One particular day of this; no specialty to it,
"Specialty" is a terrible word choice.
except,
Emily's mother had brought
her daughter round to join in, and
of course, she was hot and I had a terrible crush on her,
even at the age of seven.
I agree with whoever said they didn't like these two lines.
I would court her from one chair to the other,
Eh.
her pink frilly skirt yelling in the breeze, loving every second of it.
She was a real woman;
she wanted a hero to chase her down;
to romanticize about her;
to claim her as Queen;
to be powerful.
Interesting breakdown, and again, really cool idea. But I'm just uneasy about the way it's presented. I think you could do so much more with it, and it's really the word-choice/structure that's 'causing problems here.

And yes, I still do chase her to this day,
still mark her footsteps in the sand, praying no wind will
blow them away.
That's awesome. Really, I like this a lot. Best part of the poem in my opinion.
But,
things are different now.
The carpet is not just a place of imaginary blazing sulphur and rock,
it is now a place where words are written in your skin.
The only part I don't like about this is the penultimate line here. I'm not sure it's really necessary, you've expressed a shift from past to present already, and the contrast is provided by the rest of the poem. "The carpet is now a place where words..." or something similar.

You show them to your friends and family,
almost like a trophy for your achievements.
But they laugh.
Just take away "almost like" and this is great.

“You never did catch her”
Never do.

All in all, I think I've expressed how I felt about this throughout. Very nice idea, I can tell it means a lot BUT you get lost in your own wording. It's definitely got a ton of potential, and it wouldn't be that much revision to make it a way more impressive poem, but of course, that's up to you. It really, really picked up in the ending few stanzas. Good work!