#1

When things weren't going so well
I found myself in a homeless shelter
talking to a blind helper.
Manny would talk about wanting to go somewhere big.
Where the echos would remind him of Montana.
But not Montana. A different kind of big.
I'd talk back about wanting to go somewhere
colourful. With water and a wild sky where the clouds spelled
out words that niether of us had heard in a long time.
Pointsetta. Vacation. Alphabetize. Butterfly.
We traded words until Manny said Stop.
No one ever told us to stop anymore.
Go away. Go home. Go get a job.
Never stop.
For that week I kept coming back to manny.
I'd put my plate in the circle on the table that was there
so he could put the food on without looking.
And after a couple of spoonfulls I'd tell him to stop.
One more for good measure then I'd sit down and we'd talk.
I told him that yesterday
I found a guitar under the Veteran's Bridge.
And that a man from Sony walked up to me when I was playing it.
A song I made up. And he offered me a record deal.
I'm gonna be a folk-star, manny. I'm gonna see the world.
He told me to stop. So I told him the truth.
I got hired at McDonalds and was getting my feet on the ground.
So I stopped visiting
and got promoted in May.
A better job. A better couple of years.
A $17.50 an hour pay check. A home without rent on the side of Mount Washington
with a Million Dollar view of the Veteran's bridge.
And suddenly I had a couple thousand dollars.
Manny, I said. We're going on a vacation. He knew it was me by my
Voice. So I grabbed his arm, pulled him to the car and we drove
West like all the rest.
Welcome to Arizona. Not Montana.
We parked outside of the park.
Walked around the pay booth.
Got a lift to the visitor center. And walked to the highest precipice I could see.
We stopped with our toes over the rim of the Grand Canyon, the wind, not our bodies,
holding us there.
Sat down on the edge and Manny's glossy eyes said,
Isn't it beautiful?
all those turquois spires stretching towards the sky
and the neon green hills
with magenta waterfalls
jumping from their crests
into deep basins in the bright red fields below
i could look at it forever
And the herds of centaurs kicking at the dirt- Not the kind of dirt they call us.
Oh, the lavender clouds on the yellow sky
and with no other side. Forever.
Tell me it's like that, Jimmy. Tell me it's really like that. I just know it is. I can see it.

Yeah, Manny. It's just like that.


Went back to my McDonalds. I forgot to tell them I was using my vacation days. The first vacation days I ever had. And I lost my job. Took a shit in the restroom on my way out. Wiped my ass with a paper towel so the next guy wouldn't be
Stranded.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#2
Wow. Just wow.

nitpicking: you forgot to capitalize Manny in line 15. And watch some of the capitals on line breaks. Like the last word, i don't think it shold be capitalised
#3
I get the feeling I'm missing the point, but the entire ending seemed unintegral to the story. I kept thinking "is there any reason I need to know that he lost his job?" I didn't quite get the usage of "stranded" either. Sorry.

That being said, I loved the rest of the piece. It had that personal warmth to it.
That's all I got
#4
Quote by Ninjamonkey767
I get the feeling I'm missing the point, but the entire ending seemed unintegral to the story. I kept thinking "is there any reason I need to know that he lost his job?" I didn't quite get the usage of "stranded" either. Sorry.

That being said, I loved the rest of the piece. It had that personal warmth to it.
That's all I got


stranded means you take a dump and then find theres no toilet paper in the stall.
the ending is a blatent snap back to reality.
#5
Quote by Soadfan8
stranded means you take a dump and then find theres no toilet paper in the stall.
the ending is a blatent snap back to reality.


Well, if that's the case, I'm still iffy on whether I like that or not.

EDIT: And if it's a snap back to reality, I don't think there should be a line break there.
#6
Quote by Ninjamonkey767
Well, if that's the case, I'm still iffy on whether I like that or not.

EDIT: And if it's a snap back to reality, I don't think there should be a line break there.


hmm maybe what hes doing is using that to mean 2 things. because he is stranded in the sense hes right back where he started.

yup pretty sure thats what hes trying to do and in that case the line break works.


i kind of like this piece actually
#7
I don't really feel like explaining myself entirely right now but yeah, soadfan, that's part of it. I'm glad you like it. Thanks for reading.

Thanks kdowns (kyle? sorry I'm slow with names). I'll check out the capitals soon.
and the last line will probably stay how it is.

Ninjamonkey: thanks a lot. I guess I see what your saying. I dunno about changing the ending though... I'll think about it.

I'll drop some comments on your latests.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#8


nitpick, put a line break after the italics.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#9
i'll be back tomorrow afternoon, black dotted for now. thanks for the comment on minas gerais.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#10
Voice is so real. Reaaallll. I like it a lotttt.

Picky, I dont like the way the last line is detached, capitalized, etc.
It also took a while to pick up.
Quote by Arthur Curry
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