#1
undaunting resolutions.

she breaks me on the
Auld Lang Syne;

the
New Year's a wonderous
occasion, says she,
but the heart of the world
is beating on me.

drinking wine in the
streets of December,
i finish my cigarettes
on top of a theater;

she was wrapped in a
blanket, beside me,
inside me. i watched
the parking lot ice-over
and become dying poetry.
this is the world, sometimes,
you know.
you really ought to give a
damn, sometimes, she says.
it's never what you
think;

but i believe in this.

i sat till the rushing waters
of January
swept me up in it's cold
embrace. the features of
God's face in every frozen
breath and feeling.
we are a pendulum, girl.
and the world is our mechanism.

i'd gotten fired 5 hours before,
and we sat there together so lost.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#2
she breaks me on the
Auld Lang Syne;

the
New Year's a wonderous
occasion, says she,
but the heart of the world
is beating on me.

drinking wine in the
streets of December,
i finish my cigarettes
on top of a theater;


This bit was boring. The rhymes were predictable, and it wasn't neccessarily powerful or important-seeming.


However, your ending almost had me in tears. The dying poetry, the features of Gods face, the "so lost", it was beautiful. And the winter images fit perfectly. I only hope this didn't actually happen.

One of your best.
#3
Quote by ottoavist
undaunting resolutions.

she breaks me on the
Auld Lang Syne;

the
New Year's a wonderous
occasion, says she,
but the heart of the world
is beating on me.

Didn't see why the line break in the beginning was necessary. Or even 'the'. Could be just me.

drinking wine in the
streets of December,
i finish my cigarettes
on top of a theater;

Ho hum.

she was wrapped in a
blanket, beside me,
inside me. i watched
the parking lot ice-over
and become dying poetry.

Thought this bit was beautiful.

this is the world, sometimes,
you know.
you really ought to give a
damn, sometimes, she says.
it's never what you
think;

but i believe in this.

Not really a fan of 'this is the world' kinda things. And didn't feel that there was really anything to justify the statement so far.

i sat till the rushing waters
of January
swept me up in it's cold
embrace. the features of
God's face in every frozen
breath and feeling.
we are a pendulum, girl.
and the world is our mechanism.

The image of machines clashes with the wintery image for me. Didn't fit IMO.

i'd gotten fired 5 hours before,
and we sat there together so lost.

Being picky here. I think numbers should be spelled out.


All in all an enjoyable piece here. Just didn't think the little conversation about the world really contributed much to the whole. Have a nice day.
#4
Auld Lang Syne
--didn't like that used here

Rest was tops. Really enjoyable read. Really pretty.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#5
im starting to care less how "predictable" a rhyme scheme is. if you take a closer look at famous poet's works, they will use "predictable" language, but make it say something. it is not what notes you use, it is the order you put them in. this is lovely, and i felt it breathed all the way through. like one drag of cold winter air in, then at the end a breath out. refreshing.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#6
I thought the form of
the
New Year's a wonderous
occasion, says she,
but the heart of the world
is beating on me.

was dodgy

liked the stanza after, great image, but it'd be better saying 'the theatre'.

I liked it, I'll be back.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#7
i appreciate the feedback guys.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#8
I think your work is phenomenal, man. This is no exception.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#9
i really just wanna say i love this. already left a comment, but i've been reading it over and over for a couple days and it just gets better.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#10
Quote by ottoavist

i'd gotten fired 5 hours before,
and we sat there together so lost.


Don't know about the rest of you, but these 2 lines just did the whole poem justice for me.
Yamaha ERG 121
Yamaha F370TBS
Yamaha GA-10

NOOB KIT FTW

-------------------------

Lyrical Insanity:

Chasing Shadows
#11
I'm coming back to this.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#13
From the fourth stanza on I absolutely loved. Everything before it kind of felt like a slow build up, and I have to admit that I wasn't a big fan of the she/me rhyme in the second stanza. The second half made up for everything though. Nice work.

If you want something to read, my latest is the first link in my sig.


Steve²
#14
- "drinking wine in the
streets of December,
i finish my cigarettes
on top of a theater;
"
- The problem here is that you have selected a new paragraph with it thus putting attention to it, and it doesn't require that attention because it really isn't that good. It's far from bad, but your applying pressure to a point that can't handle it very well on it's lonesome.

- "i sat till the rushing waters
of January
"
- I'm not overly keen on this line break. Once again, your adding something to something that has no something there. If you catch my drift?

Very, very good work. I actually personally adore the first line and it's break between the rest. I also believe the ending could of been worded better. Just a few thoughts.

Digitally Clean