#1
Addicted and conflicted
trying to find away
to break the chains
that tie me down
that hold me back (screamed)

I know its wrong
but it feels so right
this addiction to to you
I cannot control
what I do with you (screamed)

Depressed and unsecure
I turned to you
I want to get away
this conflicted addiction
cannot control me
hold me down (next to lines screamed)
break me down

Confidence you gave
but at the cost of life
its not worth it
I want to be free
from your grip
your control (screamed)

I cannot break you
the addiction is too strong
Suicide, my only hope
to be free from this
addiction to you

Spoken:

You gave me life
but now it must end
drained me away
kept me away
Master I bow before you
I gave my life to you
but now,
I must take it back
take back control
break free of your hold

There you go crit 4 crit also this is my first free verse/sublimnal message and Im thinkin about it just being a poem instead of a song thanks for any crits just post a link and ill crit yours
Last edited by therealtater at Dec 14, 2008,
#2
It's alright. I've done a lot of work with songwriting, and helping others with songs, so here's my input.

It's a little redundant. You're basically trying to convey the same message across in every verse. There's also no structure for this song. It doesn't seem to flow from verse to verse.

The format you're using is basically an AAAAAB format (Verse 5x-Bridge), that's part of the I can see that you're trying to write something dark, so I would suggest trying to re-format the song into an ABABC Format (Verse-Chorus-Verse-Chorus-Bridge). It would work with the spoken word bridge that you have. It would make the verses flow together.

It's alright to start. It needs some revisions.
"The Campaign turned ugly, when two politicians kissed the same baby." - Bruce McCulloch

"Speed is the consequence of good technique."
#3
Ok thanks I was trying a free verse thing but i dont think that worked to well haha and the message Im trying to get across is drug addiction and I was wondering how you interpreted it? thanks for the help again
#4
I agree that it's redundant. Also, the ideas conveyed are very ho-hum addiction ideas. Nothing really reached out and grabbed me. Now, if you're thinking of doing free verse, here's some things I think would help you. For one, your ideas and expressions are very blocky. There's no chronological order (not that there has to be) and no real discourse with the reader. You can pretty much mix the lines up and still get the same song. They're all "Bang, here's a line. Bang, here's another line". And because they're all pretty similar in style and expression, it gets old pretty fast. What also adds to the blockiness is the line length. Now, songs are one thing. But if you really want to traverse into free verse territory, throw line length out the window. Lengthen it a bit, to give you that extra breathing room for each line, to give it a more conversational feel. You'll get alot more freedom in your expressions.

My take, anyway.

PS: Thanks for the crit on mine.