#1
his wife brings in
a wrapped package.
"from your daughter."

he opens it:
a bottle of grey goose
depicting
a flock of birds
flying over
monochromatic mountains,
with a blue tinge --
and if you look inside,
you can see a smaller family
of birds in the seascape
flying over a mountain peak.

he grunts.
"I wish you would tell
that cunt
to stop trying
to weasel her way
back into our lives."

she shows me the bottle now.
"my momma told me
he always thought
it was too beautiful to drink."

I smile, slightly.
Last edited by SilenceEvolves at Dec 15, 2008,
#2
this is beautiful. You've masterfully crafted a heavy piece about a family torn apart, and it just drips cynicism, but there is a beauty here as well. I think this is the best piece i've read from you. It really captured me from the start
#3
you can always say stuff simply and effectively. this was sad. The dad won't even tell her himself You really capture the mood.

really moving. One of your better.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#4
The way you describe the bottle works so perfectly with the piece, I personally don't find the bottles that pretty, and don't care for vodka, but that makes it work even better for me.

Probably because the beauty feels very forced (to me at least,) like you have to force beauty out of something.
Last edited by stratkat at Dec 17, 2008,
#5
"I wish you would tell
that ****
to stop trying
to weasel her way
back into our lives."


Something made the rhythm created by the line breaks there feel a little bit weird after the smoothness of the two lines before, however I don't think it was a big problem. This was a bit of beauty.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#6
thanks y'all.

dig, I realize that part doesn't flow too well but that was more supposed to be brash and blunt compared to everything else, personality, trying to accentuate the idea the quote itself pushes forth. Thanks a ton though, I'm glad you caught it

I really appreciate it, you guys. aww.
#7
I wanted to find something I didn't like about this piece, but honestly it's one of my favorites I've ever read from you, and I love vodka so this piece totally predicts how my future will be, haha. Seriously a great piece, I'll try to find something helpful to say about it tomorrow, right now I have to see how much of this bottle of Jim Beam I can take out before passing out for the night.
#8
this is brilliant.

third stanza is just... bam

i really enjoyed this.

big up.
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
#9
I really like the contrast of the description of the bottle and then the harshness of the end.
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