#1
a chain was placed around my neck,
around the age of ten or so.
body and blood, sunday was sold.
for six -hundred dollars worth of italian gold.

madeline gave me a book.
a run down of how i should behave in the presence of my lord,
but it failed to comment on what to say
staring at your mother in a hospital ward.
her and my consequences for trying to get away.

booked a single flight to minas gerais.
the book was in my thighs.

je'-su's looks down on rio.
as violence continues, he stays still.
there is an excuse; "oh, he is a statue which can't move"
great performances can not be executed when people whisper,
"there is nothing to prove".
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
Last edited by freshtunes at Dec 15, 2008,
#2
Good, especially the first stanza.

My only beef is the "hospital ward" bit. It seems like it was quickly slid into the dialogue, moreso as a description than a scene. It seemed pretty juvenile, because it was one of those one-shot images that was there for the stab at religion rather than a part of the storyline... if that makes sense. It could be much more personal, and thus that much more of a statement, if you let it develop or something.

Also, the last stanza is kinda meh. I can't quite say why I didn't care for it, but it just didn't have the zing everything else had.
#3
Quote by freshtunes
a chain was placed around my neck,
around the age of ten or so.
body and blood, sunday was sold.
for six -hundred dollars worth of italian gold.

good verse dont really have anything to say about it

madeline gave me a book.
a run down of how i should behave in the presence of my lord, this seems a little too long it kinda breaks the flow for me but i could be reading itwrong
but it failed to comment on what to say
staring at your mother in a hospital ward.
her and i's consequence for trying to get away.

booked a single flight to minas gerais.
the stewardess was cute,
but the book was on my thighs.
affection from waitstaff wasnt what i was after
more like understanding ancient roman laughter

this stanza has the makings of being a good one but something about it that i just cant place my finger on is wrong for me

je'-su's looks down on rio.
as violence continues, he stays still.
there is an excuse; "oh, he is a statue which can't move"
great performances can not be executed when people whisper,
"there is nothing to prove".



overall it could be a really good song it just needs a little more work in my opinion

crit mine if you like its same old story just a few posts beneath yours
#4
hmm. thats the one thing that irritates me, people automatically concluding something is a song. everything i post, unless otherwise noted, is poetry. but thank you for reading/commenting.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#5
a chain was placed around my neck,
around the age of ten or so.
body and blood, sunday was sold.
for six -hundred dollars worth of italian gold.

I like this, its got a good flow and it provides strong visual images

madeline gave me a book.
a run down of how i should behave in the presence of my lord,
but it failed to comment on what to say
staring at your mother in a hospital ward.
her and i's consequence for trying to get away.

I honestly like the hospital ward line. It shows the opposition to what he's being forced to and showing the negative consequence, as well as keeping the flow

booked a single flight to minas gerais.
the stewardess was cute,
but the book was on my thighs.
affection from waitstaff wasnt what i was after
more like understanding ancient roman laughter

Honestly this stana was very....blah, not a lot to gather from it.

Quote by freshtunes
je'-su's looks down on rio.
as violence continues, he stays still.
there is an excuse; "oh, he is a statue which can't move"
great performances can not be executed when people whisper,
"there is nothing to prove".


Interesting, but i don't feel like this one fit, i love the stanza it jsut fels like it was in another piece first

Feel free to crit mine, its the conjunctions one, and its in my sig =]
#6
really impressive. You keep getting better and better. "i's" was awkward but I think you know that. Should it be "my"? Not sure if you did it on purpose but whatever.
third stanza was the weakest but it's ideas are important. The rhyming seems slightly forced in the last two lines but only very slightly.

This was a great read. Your last few have been really good.
Loved it
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#7
Quote by freshtunes
hmm. thats the one thing that irritates me, people automatically concluding something is a song. everything i post, unless otherwise noted, is poetry. but thank you for reading/commenting.


im sorry then man i always assume something in here is a song unless its noted otherwise. i guess because i dont write poetry so the first thing that pops into my head is music
#9
ninjamonkey (name?):

yea, i put hospital ward down and thought it sounded weird. but i like what it represents to me so i left it. can easily see how you picked up on that thought. thanks.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#10
The second book in the third stanza didn't feel needed, maybe some other short description of it would work better. I liked the first use. Hospital ward, I agree it feels out of place. A nitpick that I brainlessly read 'je'-su's' as je suis.

I liked this but there were a few lil things holding it back. It's good, I enjoyed it. Some rate magical parts
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#11
Quote by freshtunes
ninjamonkey (name?):

yea, i put hospital ward down and thought it sounded weird. but i like what it represents to me so i left it. can easily see how you picked up on that thought. thanks.


The name's Ben.

And I don't have any problem with it being in there. I just thought the delivery wasn't the best way of bringing it up. But meh, it's nothing big. I can definitely see the importance of it being there. I just think it could be better.
#12
Quote by DigUpHerBones
The second book in the third stanza didn't feel needed, maybe some other short description of it would work better. I liked the first use. Hospital ward, I agree it feels out of place. A nitpick that I brainlessly read 'je'-su's' as je suis.

I liked this but there were a few lil things holding it back. It's good, I enjoyed it. Some rate magical parts

Actually you may be correst with je suis. I was trying to use the portugese form of jesus.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#13
that was pretty impressive, usually i just can't stand how rhyming gets in the way, but this flowed really well and i had no problem connecting with it.

some parts felt a bit unnecessary and strayed too close to filler and such. the "hospital ward" in particular felt just a titch forced... not hugely... but enough to make me wish it wasn't in there.

first stanza was pure Incan gold. no complaints there, painfully clear imagery combined with a good rhyme scheme.

if you C4C, there are some links in sig
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