#1
Okay, not much to say here. It's my first song and I've got some basic instrument design I'll throw in here. Just looking for some constructive feedback.


V1 Wandering ‘round after falling from grace–and you’ve got-
White and black makeup smeared onto your face–you’re always-
Dressed up in black and with chains on your arm –I guess you-
Think isolation will keep you from harm –I know you-
Hate what I stand for; a sign of your sin–and still you-
Listen to Slipknot and write on your skin –it seems like-
Adding the pain just may lessen it too–it’s not true-
Suicide Silence can help you get through–they’re lying-
Life seems to love to confirm all your fears–can’t hear me-
Thousands of hardships have taken your tears, I hate it!

[High guitar solo 1]

Piano Ref. I search, and I find, and you pay me no mind,
But the scars on your arms tell me something’s amiss
So I sing, and I pray, and I wait for the day that you say
[Guitar and drums join piano]
That you can smile again.

[All sound except drums stops 3sec.]

Here we go!

[Drums stop, base setup]

[Base stops, drums and guitar resume V1 pattern]

V2 Beautiful blond hair has turned into black –I’m waiting-
Sadness has stolen you; I want you back –someday soon-
Why’ve you ignored all the ways that I try? –just listen-
Know how I’ve hurt when I think that you cry. –it kills me-
Sit and tread water and think of the days –so far back-
Back when the world was a happier place –I want out-
I couldn’t guess why you’re acting this way –black metal?-
I’d give up my life if that ends it today, I hate it!

[High guitar solo 2]

Piano ref. Now I sit, and write, and I try to send light
Through the fog that envelops that beautiful mind
And I sing, and I pray, and I wait for the day that you say
[Guitar and drums join piano]
That you can smile again.

[Base, drums, and piano play beat. Piano and base play higher chords with each line.]

I told you that life isn’t fair
Then you told me that I didn’t care –You don’t care [round until solo3]-
So I’m singing and living, just trying to cope
While you’re jamming in needles and smoking your dope

[Base stops, drums and piano play with each word]
Break! Your! Shell!
[Piano and drum interlude]
Leave! Your! Hell!
[Piano and drum interlude]
Take off the black!
Put on some white!
Open your eyes to the wonders that life has to give!

[High guitar solo 3, all otherinstruments play beat]

[All instruments stop]

Piano Ref. Now I sit, and write, and I try to send light
Through the fog that envelops that beautiful mind
And I sing, and I pray, and I wait for the day that you say
That you can smile.

[Guitar joins piano]

And I search, and I find, and you pay me no mind,
But the scars on your arms tell me something’s amiss
So I sing, and I pray, and I wait for the day that you say

[Instruments stop]
That you can smile again.

[3 beats with all instruments in low keys]

I apolagize for my lack of notation knowledge, I'm self-taught. Thanks in advance.
#2
lol I like the reference to Slipknot and black metal. This is in my opinion a very good first song. Better than my first, anyways The only thing that I find kinda cheesy is the "Break Your Shell" part. Just kinda cliche, but it works. That's really all I can find that I don't really like. Good job, at any rate!
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Schecter C-1+ w/ Seymour duncan Jazz (neck) and Full Shred (bridge), with Sperzels
B-52 LG-100A 4x12 half stack
Rogue LX405 Bass
Yamaha classical
Some sort of acoustic Squier
Boss Flanger
Lyon Chorus
#3
I agree the break your shell part is kinda cheesy but other than that its a strong song. I like the fact that you have the notations on what kind of happens where. I got a visual in my head of a pretty strong song when you get it all done. keep it up man.
#5
Suppose instead of Shell and Hell it wens something like

Turn! The! Page!

Set! The! Stage!
?

And to Vicious, what exactly is better about the first verse?
#6
wow, it was good. I'd be interested to hear it, seems like a lot of words for a song. Be careful with "filler" as it dilutes the truly amazing parts. Nice work with rhythm ... I do have to say, for your first song ... it's beyond good. You must have edited it a few times. If you ever record it, let me know. --Jw.
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