Page 1 of 2
#1
Sorry if this has been done before but i found this hillarious

8:00 a.m. – Wake up. Sit up in bed. Stare at my boner. Stare at my empty bed. Remember how fifteen years ago I would have had a groupie there for me to ****. Instead I resort to turning on the TV and jerking off to Rosie O’Donnell on some talk show. I hate myself.
8:30 a.m. – Go down to the hotel lobby. Grab something to eat from the restaurant but as I’m scooping up some gravy to put on my eggs, beer and jello mix, some rich snob across the room starts staring me down. Well actually maybe he wasn’t staring me down after all, but I’m pretty sure he was, because I saw him look at me once, and as my mom used to tell me, “Go take out the trash,” so I figured it was time to take it out again. I ran over to the guy and threw a big pot of hot gravy all over his head. The whole time he kept screaming “Oh god why! Why are you doing this to me! What have I deserved to receive such treatment?!” and I laugh maniacally as I set his toupee on fire and watch him run around the room like a little girl, crying and blubbering about how mean I am. What a prick. Then I slip twenty bucks down his hot wife’s shirt and tell her my number’s on it, she stares at me like she’s really impressed as I walk out, but in hindsight that might have just been disgust on her face.
9:00 a.m. – I board my private jet.
9:30 a.m. – We’re in the air. I get a call from Dizzy Reed back at the public airport. He says they’re having trouble getting a flight in coach and were wondering if from now on they could maybe travel with me since there’s all that empty room on my plane. I tell Dizzy I need the room for my imaginary polar bears. I tell Dizzy my imaginary polar bears take precedence over bandmembers because they understand me. Then I ask Dizzy if he still wants his job .Dizzy says no, but that I told him if he ever quits I would kill his mother and **** his sister and burn his children. I say, “Oh yeah!” and laugh maniacally while recalling when I told him this ten years ago in a recording studio when he first threatened to quit me Then I say, “Well, if you don’t want me to do that, then you will never ask me this question again.” Five minutes later I get a call from Bumblefoot (or, as I call him, Bumble**** – what a ‘tard he is!) asking if maybe he could be allowed to call home and talk to his dying father. I shout at him for ten minutes telling him that in order to preserve the artistic integrity of this band he must have absolutely NO contact with members outside of Zeta Region B! He asks me why I’m such a cruel weirdo and I tell him “I know you are but what am I,” then he says he’s gonna tell on me to Slash, and I hang up, weeping hysterically for five minutes.
9:35 – Memo to self: fire Bumblefoot. Kill Slash.
9:45 – I am bored so I start writing in my diary talking to myself. Hello Axl. How are you? I’m fine, thanks. Boy, I sure am tired from that show last night! Yeah, my throat hurts. Hey, wanna ****? Sure!
9:48 – I visit the bathroom.
9:50 – I realize at a rather inopportune time that the bathroom has no toilet paper.
9:51 – I tell Beta to get me some new pants to wear out of my luggage.
9:52 – A personnel member on the jet tells me I should sit down because of turbulence. I tell him as I’m walking back from the bathroom that he should shut the **** up because I am King Axl Rose, Ruler of the Universe. He tells me he’s sorry. I tell him he is violating Zeta Region C, “Physical Contact with the Artiste,” and so I open the escape hatch and throw him off the plane.
9:54 - BLUE IS MY FAVORITE COLOR. LOL I LOVE THE SKY. WEEEEEE.
10:00 – Robin Finck calls me. I tell him he is violating Zeta Region Z. He asks me what Zeta Region means. I tell him it’s a complex system Beta invented to make me feel better and keep people from negatively affecting me. The definition of Region Z is “interference with the artiste by a member of the band at an unfortunate moment in time.” Robin Finck tells me I’m a freak and hangs up. I listen to static silence for four minutes before thinking of a comeback. Then I say, “Yeah, well at least THIS freak didn’t suck off Marilyn Manson!” I remind myself to use this next time Finck calls me.

10:05 – I call the FBI and tell them to make sure they search one “Robin Finck” at an airport in Venezuela today because he is carrying drugs on him and is a member of Al-Quaeda.
10:10 – I realize I need Robin in the band to perform tonight so I call back the FBI and tell them it was an April Fool’s joke. They tell me it’s not April and I have committed an offense. I tell them I have the wrong number and hang up, before planting the phone in the coat pocket of Beta. It was her phone anyway.
10:30 – We arrive on time at the airport. Well, I do anyway. The other guys are still back at the airport. This causes me to laugh maniacally. Beta says I’m a real jerk and I punch her in the face and she falls ass-down the stairs leading down from the airplane to the ground. Then as I walk off the last step I hop off onto her unmoving body and jump up and down on it like a trampoline. Wee! This is fun! I always wanted a trampoline lol.
10:40 – We drop Beta’s bruised and broken body off at a nearby hospital. I make sure it’s a free health care hospital so I don’t have to pay for any damn medical bills. Man, those things are expensive! One time, I lit my house maid on fire and sprayed her with gasoline, and I had to pay, like, $500! What a rip-off! Why can’t a guy have a little fun anymore these days without having to pay for it? That doctor sounded just like a hooker trying to get money off me. So I kicked him in the neck and ran away, and then when the house maid woke up from her coma I went to the hospital and unplugged all her IV machines. Lol that was a funny day.
10:50 – I listen to a Kid Rock album on my iPod. Man this dude is the tits! I love his music so much. I make a mental note to make sure I add him to the band, because all the kids are into his music and this will make me appeal more to the teens.
10:55 – I tell Edgar how much I love Kid Rock. I tell him my plan to add Mr. Kid to the band. He tells me Kid Rock expired five years ago and only had two hit songs, maybe three, and that everyone hates him now, and he’s a major loser.
10:57 – I tell Edgar I agree, but inside I’m crying, hurt and fragile.
11:30 – I am in a taxi cab driving to the hotel. Actually it’s a private limo, but when I say taxi it doesn’t make me sound like an over-privileged jackass. Anyway, the limo driver drops us off outside some dingy hotel that royalty supposedly stay at, but it looks like a dump to me. I tell him he’s fired for being a bad limo driver.
11:35 – I check in to my room.
11:40 – Jump on the bed for one hour before getting exhausted and deciding to save energy for the performance tonight.
12:45 – I turn on the TV and masturbate to pictures of a burn victim on the PBS channel. Hey, it’s the only channel that was coming through clearly.
12:50 – I realize it’s not PBS, it’s the local news, and the burn victim is Beta. Apparently before dropping her off at the hospital I also lit her body on fire and pissed on her. Lol I don’t remember doing that! Oh well.
12:55 – The police call me and ask if I know a woman named Beta. I tell them they have the wrong Axl, they want Axel Foley. LOL. I wonder how long that joke will take them to figure out! HAHA I am a genius.
1:00 – The police show up at my hotel room. Evidently they figured out my joke. At this moment I realize I’m not dealing with regular cops – no, I’m dealing with SUPER cops! How did they KNOW Axel Foley was a movie character? How could they figure out such a thing so fast?
1:03 – They keep knocking on the door, trying to come in. I figure I’ll copy my movie hero Keanu Reeves and escape through the window and run along the building outside on the window platform, then jump into space and transform into a bird so I can fly away.
1:05 – I remember that it’s impossible to transform into animals right before I hit the pavement.
1:10 – I wake up in a hospital. I curse Keanu Reeves’ name and swear to make it my quest to see him DEAD!!!!
1:15 – I turn on the hospital TV. The Matrix is on. I try to aim for the TV to piss on it but I end up pissing into my own mouth, but I was thirsty anyway.
1:30 – Beta walks into the room, all burnt and ****. She slaps me a few times, but then I say, “Hey, at least I didn’t try to barbeque your son this time!” And this witty statement draws laughter from her and the police standing outside the door, before we all realize how sick what I just said is and all stop laughing and say “What the ****?”
1:40 – I ask the police men outside the room how they figured out Axel Foley was a trick. They said, “One word: Google.”
1:42 – I don’t know who this “Google” man is, but I’m going to find out…and when I do, I am going to chop his testicles in half – maybe even quarters.
1:50 – I get out of the hospital and pay the bail for arrest. I go back to the hotel with a fractured skull. It’s still bleeding a bit but I hate bandaids and **** so I take off the cast they put on my head.
2:05 – I get into my limo and head for the hospital again.
2:10 – I like my new cast better.
2:!5 – God I hate casts.
2:50 – I call up Dizzy Reed and tell him my new joke. He says, “Yeah, Axl’s that’s great,” before I remember he’s in violation of Zeta Region Z and hang up the phone, making sure the frogs aren’t staring through the windows anymore.
3:00 – I lock all the windows and put up the blinds. The frogs are after me again. Their beady little eyes trying to take off my clothes with their minds, eating my succulent flesh with their razor sharp tongue-teeth. I turn on the radio to pacify my mind. GN’R comes on the radio, and I get so mad that I throw the radio out the window, breaking the glass. Unfortunately the wire gets caught around my foot and pulls me out the window too, and I drop five stories.
#2
3:30 – So I’m back in the hospital again and my head hurts like hell. The doctor tells me I can’t perform tonight and I give him a big long speech, I say, “Listen, Doc, spare me the theatrics! I’m an artist and I MUST appease my fans! These people travel far and wide to see me perform because they admire me as a musician, and if I were to not pull through for these people, Lord only knows what kind of animal I would be for doing that to them!”
3:35 – The doctor and I both laugh at how silly what I just said is. I say, “I’m only bull****ting,” and then I tell him sure, I won’t perform tonight, and then I take a nap.
3:45 - "Make my sandwich, bitch."
4:00 – Beta issues a press release canceling the show. Fans are outraged. I laugh manically.
4:20 – I’m bored so I call Calvin Klein. I swear at him through the phone for ten minutes calling him a pussy-eating cocksucking mother****er. When I’m finally finished asks me why I am calling him. Suddenly I remember I meant to call Tommy Hilfiger. I pause, thinking to myself, “Damn.” Klein asks me if I’m still there. I slowly hang up the phone, embarrassed and ashamed. Then I write a new song real quick called “Get in the Ring Again Bitch!” and the lyrics go:
Tommy Hilfiger / Can suck my **** / His clothes, clothes / Boy, they sure do suck! / Getting off on ripping off moms / Who think they can hide their body fat with sucky jeans and thongs
Then I realize this song sucks and I make a new song, called “Get in the Ring, Get in the Ring!” The lyrics are:
I’m sick n’ tired / Of writin’ songs about getting in the ring / So all you get in the ring songs inside my head / Why don’t you just **** off and GET IN THE RING MOTHER****A! / I don’t know your bull**** / You don’t even rhyme / These songs suck / And they’re just egotistical rants / So **** off!
Then I cry for five minutes because I realize I’ve lost all my creativity and I decide not to release Chinese Democracy for another ten years.
4:40 – Robin Finck calls. He said they finally arrived at the airport after having to sit next to two big fat people on the plane. I tell him the show’s canceled and he’s fired. He starts crying, and then I say, “P.S.”
4:42 – After a long pause Robin Finck asks me if I’m still there. I’m savoring the moment in anticipation.
4:50 – Finally I say, “AT LEAST THIS FREAK DIDN’T SUCK OFF MARILYN MANSON!” Then I realize Robin hung up five minutes ago. DAMN! I blew my chance! I guess I’ll just have to try again tomorrow.
5:00 – I call for food. Some hospital orderly brings me jello. I say, “WHAT THE **** IS THIS? I’M AXL ROSE, BITCH! I DEMAND ONLY THE FINEST YELLOW JELL-O!” Then I shove it down her orderly skirt and as she turns around I pull out a zippo lighter and light her skirt on fire. Then I empty the lighter fluid of my lighter all over her body and as she burns in front of me I sit back, relax and jerk off to Rosie O’Donnell on the TV again, before relapsing into a coma and dreaming of frogs.
6:10 - There are Frogs All Around Me. Frogs All Around Me. Frogs All Around Me. Frogs All Around Me. Frogs All Around Me. Frogs All Around Me. Frogs All Around Me. Frogs All Around Me. Frogs All Around Me. Frogs All Around Me. Frogs All Around Me. Frogs All Around Me. Frogs All Around Me. Frogs All Around Me. Frogs All Around Me. Frogs All Around Me. Frogs All Around Me. Frogs All Around Me. Frogs All Around Me. Frogs All Around. Frogs All. Frogs. Frogs. Frogs. Frogs. Frogs. FRRROGGGSS!!! "SHUT THE **** UP!!! SHUT UP!!!!!" I didn't know who was I shouting to. But in my dream, I shouted it at the frogs and peed in their burned bodies. Finally, I was FREE. I felt so happy. WEEEEE.
6:45 - I woke up and realized the hospital room is completely messed up. The door is open and I realize all the frogs I burned were actually Robin Finck, Bumblefoot, Buckethead with a "Sorry" card in his hand (How cute!), Beta (again), Edgar, and 2 paramedics. Then I see that the walls are all painted up with some strange oil, and are filled up with giant words saying "THERE ARE FROGS AL AROUND ME" and "SHUT THE **** UP". Who in THIS WORLD would write that? Whoever he is, he's nuts.
6:46 - ****. I think I wrote all this "THERE ARE FROGS ALL AROUND ME" stuff. But I then realize it's SO COOL. I mean, I didn't know I painted so well.
#4
Fukk reading that.
Gear
Ibanez GRG170DX
Bluerock Begginers Strat
Fender Acoustic
Bluerock Begginers 10W Amp
Lne 6 Spider 3 15
Gear to come
Les Paul Copy(Fixing up to be good)
#5
WALL OF TEXT

which I cant be bothered to read

so i'll be going now......
HADOUKEN!! Click For UG's Street Fighter Group

Quote by synpet713192

I'd never seen you around until very recently, but this and the other pic have caused me to worship you
#6
I wont read that
Quote by frankv
Tokio Hotel is probably the worst thing Germany has produced since WW2.


#8
i gave up around 11 am.


didn't find it funny


*leaves*
Stand up and cheer if you like SimCity

Play Up Pompey, Pompey Play Up
THE WiLDHEARTS

Quote by goest
I'm going to take this opportunity to initiate my campaign to replace the phrase "Taking a shit" with "Busting a grumpy."
#11
when does he go to bed? He must get bored doing nothing at 6:46PM - 8:00 AM
R.I.P Jon Lord, Rory Gallagher and Jimi!
#12
the funnyfactor wasn't high enough...

conclusion:
waste of time!
Quote by dointime024
I stole a pair of my friend's mother's panties. They were clean so it was rather dissapointing when I took a wiff.
#14
lol
i laughed pretty hard not gonna lie...........
Quote by Diet_coke_head
Hey! Now you can molest you're grandma and she won't remember! Score!!!



Gear:
Fender Aerodyne Jazz Bass
Fender V Jazz
Ashdown MAG 410
EH Bass Big MUff
MXR Bass Octave Deluxe
Digitech Synth Wah
#16
TL;DR version:

Axl Rose is an unfunny moron.
Call me Wes.
Gear:
Fender American Deluxe HSS Strat
Chicago Blues Box Roadhouse
Bad Cat Cougar 5
1957 Gibson GA-5
Ceriatone 18w TMB Combo
Hughes & Kettner Tube Factor
Various Ibanez TS9s
Weber MASS Attenuator
#18
Riiiiight...
BITCH, IMA LEAD FARMER

Read 'Em =]
-----------------------------------
[thread="1177989"]Unwanted[/thread]
[thread="1179087"]Rude Awakening[/thread]
#19
I laughed once.. And even that wasn't a proper laugh, more like a stifled chuckle. I want my time back.
#20
Some parts where really funny lol
But what do you expect from the pit, they can hardley read a paragraph before saying tl;dr
#22
I got a few lulz out of it
Between the velvet lies, there's a truth as hard as steel.
The vision never dies, life's a neverending wheel.
#26
Fuck it, summarise. NOW.

And if it's a piss take, it's probably not that funny.
#27
I read it and found it fraudulent.

This is how it really happened:

3 pm: Wake up
3 pm - 6 pm: Cry because i realise that i'm alone and no-one likes me
6 pm - 7 pm: Write a line for a song i want to do, then change it, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again and again and again and again and again and again ...
7 pm - 8pm: record and produce 1 seconds worth of track. Then layer it with lots of unecessary orchestral parts.
8 pm: Scrap that. Fire a bandmember for the crap second of track.
8 pm - 2 am: Go home and cry myself to sleep because i've not had sex in ten years.
2 am - 3 pm: Sleep. No frog dreams

This has been Axl Roses' routine for the past 13 years.
Quote by dudius

afterward i thought about it and was like "wow, i just jerked off to a chubby girl sucking off a horse. i'm disgusting".

then i watched that segment again
#29
it's pretty funny..... did you get it off uncyclopedia?
Quote by Vauxite
Lots of lulz were produced, thankyou good sir
#30
There were a few funny parts.
But the majority of it was unfunny random filler. Especially the frogs parts
#32
Not Funny.
Live Rig:
Ibanez Rg 150R w/ Duncan 59s
Marshall JCM2000 TSL60 Head
Mark IV Combo
Marshall 1960a Cab w/ Vintage 30s
Ibanez RG1570 Prestige w/ Duncan 59s
Jackson SLSMG Soloist
Currently in Ontario, Canada.


#35
Quote by wigzwamz
it's pretty funny..... did you get it off uncyclopedia?

A friend e-mailed it to me but it probably is from uncyclopedia btw we have the same join month
#36
Quote by A8039077
I read it and found it fraudulent.

This is how it really happened:

3 pm: Wake up
3 pm - 6 pm: Cry because i realise that i'm alone and no-one likes me
6 pm - 7 pm: Write a line for a song i want to do, then change it, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again and again and again and again and again and again ...
7 pm - 8pm: record and produce 1 seconds worth of track. Then layer it with lots of unecessary orchestral parts.
8 pm: Scrap that. Fire a bandmember for the crap second of track.
8 pm - 2 am: Go home and cry myself to sleep because i've not had sex in ten years.
2 am - 3 pm: Sleep. No frog dreams

This has been Axl Roses' routine for the past 13 years.


Yours was just as bad, if not worse
ᶌῖᶌα ɭα ɌεᶌσɭƲʈιʘϰ
#37
Quote by Vauxite
Yours was just as bad, if not worse


'cos being Axl sucks
Quote by dudius

afterward i thought about it and was like "wow, i just jerked off to a chubby girl sucking off a horse. i'm disgusting".

then i watched that segment again
#39
I've always imagined that it would be more like this.

1. Wake up.
2. Abuse girlfriend.
3. Write shit music.
4. Go to bed, repeat.
VENUSIAN
FB SC BC TW
Patterns In The Ivy present ethnicity on an intriguing and dedicated level. ~Ambient Exotica
A mesmeric melange of yearning voice, delicate piano and carefully chosen samples. ~Lost Voices
#40
I read it all and i feel as if i was raped.
You sir, are a terrible person. A terrible, terrible person.
Quote by HuckIt
I met this chick I really liked and wanted to practice sex, so I practiced on some guy


Quote by MetalheadforJC

I herd rap mean Retraded Attemped at Poetry

Page 1 of 2