#1
I don't a have a title, so that's the codename
It's been about 6 months since I've posted, so be gentle with me...

Like a story unfolding beyond my years,
I’ve heard the ending before-
Though I’ve yet to understand how it began.

An altering reflection gazes out,
From the constant change
Made inherent in the Sea.
What will it become tomorrow?
Our divinity has now found true sorrow.

Creation of a standard
Has never benefited our needs,
Why should I go through with this?

A permanence seems to resonate
From life,
Given to us with meaning from the Stars.
How can we live, if we are not allowed?

Solace has always been found,
Within materialistic ideas
Find it now in the Ocean, the Forest, the Earth-
And in the clarity of Life.

Edited

This is for Lit class, we were supposed to write a song/poem/art etc. to bring in to represent Transcendentalism. I thought I saw a couple of Trans. themes in here, but I wanted you guys to read over it and tell me what y'all thought of it. I'll crit anything you've got, too.

Thanks!
My gear:
Schecter C-1+ w/ Seymour duncan Jazz (neck) and Full Shred (bridge), with Sperzels
B-52 LG-100A 4x12 half stack
Rogue LX405 Bass
Yamaha classical
Some sort of acoustic Squier
Boss Flanger
Lyon Chorus
Last edited by SchecterC-1+Man at Dec 15, 2008,
#2
Not bad... not bad at all.

However, in my humble and ameteur opinion, I might suggest putting the word Transcendentalism in the first or last stanza, something to help the less familiar catch onto the ideas you're getting across. Other than that, I like it.

And if I may take you up on your offer, I have a piece here called Smile Again, I would appreciate some critics.
#3
Like a story unfolding beyond my years,
I’ve heard the ending before-
Though I’ve yet to understand how it began.
nice opening

An altering reflection gazes out,
From the constant change
Made inherent in the Sea.
What will it become tomorrow?
Our divinity has now found true sorrow.
mm a little confusing. dont know how u got fromt eh first stanza to the second

Creation of a standard
Has never benefited our needs,
Why should I go through with this?
semms like a filler. doenst really feel necessary. i thinku can cut it out. doenst relaly add as much as it takes

A permanence seems to resonate
From life,
Given to us with meaning from the Stars.
How can we live, if we are not allowed?
this stanza deonst make sence

Solace is always found,
Within what has been given to us
Find it now in the Ocean, the Forest, the Earth-
And in the clarity of Life.
mm i guess this closes out well fitting the stanza above
, though contradicting. the line above asks how we cannot live when we are givin the meaning fromt eh stars and the n solace is given to us assuming it from the stars.


This over all was very sporadic. you really didnt put a solid back bone that unified the piece. i felt as though you threw things together and didnt plan ahead and look at what your goals u wanted to accomplish and how everythingw ould fit togeahter.. very confusing. C4C? links in sig
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
Last edited by me<-needs help at Dec 15, 2008,
#4
Quote by me<-needs help
Like a story unfolding beyond my years,
I’ve heard the ending before-
Though I’ve yet to understand how it began.
nice opening

An altering reflection gazes out,
From the constant change
Made inherent in the Sea.
What will it become tomorrow?
Our divinity has now found true sorrow.
mm a little confusing. dont know how u got fromt eh first stanza to the second

Creation of a standard
Has never benefited our needs,
Why should I go through with this?
semms like a filler. doenst really feel necessary. i thinku can cut it out. doenst relaly add as much as it takes

A permanence seems to resonate
From life,
Given to us with meaning from the Stars.
How can we live, if we are not allowed?
this stanza deonst make sence

Solace is always found,
Within what has been given to us
Find it now in the Ocean, the Forest, the Earth-
And in the clarity of Life.
mm i guess this closes out well fitting the stanza above
, though contradicting. the line above asks how we cannot live when we are givin the meaning fromt eh stars and the n solace is given to us assuming it from the stars.


This over all was very sporadic. you really didnt put a solid back bone that unified the piece. i felt as though you threw things together and didnt plan ahead and look at what your goals u wanted to accomplish and how everythingw ould fit togeahter.. very confusing. C4C? links in sig



Hm. I guess it makes sense to me 'cause I wrote it The transition from the first to second stanza, it's like...I'm talking about like, I dunno how this began but I know how it'll end. And by "this" I mean social rules and such. The altering reflection means how most people's identity changes from one week to the next, and that our divinity (were we still in touch with it) would have found sorrow out of this situation. That's the basic essence of my thoughts during the writing. Does this kind of tie it together at all? Prolly not, but, heh. Haha

EDIT: I'm sorry, that was a poor explanation. Let me do the whole thing...First off, Stars=Heavens, indicating we were created by some higher power, and given purpose. Society is preventing us from "living". The last stanza is kinda obvious...Don't find solace in material things, for they eventually degrade to nothing. Instead, find it in the world, and life itself. Second stanza is continuing the idea of social ruining. This may make no sense at all, but it makes sense to me, ha


Oh snap, I understand what you mean now. I didn't realise I set it up perfectly to say that the heavens give us solace. I have to change that, then!
My gear:
Schecter C-1+ w/ Seymour duncan Jazz (neck) and Full Shred (bridge), with Sperzels
B-52 LG-100A 4x12 half stack
Rogue LX405 Bass
Yamaha classical
Some sort of acoustic Squier
Boss Flanger
Lyon Chorus
Last edited by SchecterC-1+Man at Dec 15, 2008,