#1
A hollow name,
Plagued with shame,
A monster disguised as a man in a mask,
A demon disguised as a man in a mask.

A burning, bleeding heart is funny,
Comical when their tears are runny,
If it's not me it's hilarious at least,
If it's me it's terrible to say the least.

So insensitive, so immature,
So many times I've showed them the cure,
Didn't I help them when they hurt?
Didn't I ridicule them when they hurt?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry for all that I've done,
When you feel pain I turn away and run,
I'll resolve to change my horrible ways,
Will I resolve my horrible ways?

We're kneeling, we're stealing, in hypocrisy
We're bathing, we're wading, in hollow heart's tea,
Their relationship will be a great help to me,
Will my relationship be a great help to thee?

When the moment is right I will turn my back,
Forsake them, depart, leave the condemners to attack,
I will assist them in their bringing of pain.
Yes, I will assist them in their bringing of pain.

I wasn't sure of a name for it, if any of you have ideas, they'd be much appreciated. I'm asking mainly for critique on the structure, though anything is appreciated. Thanks in advance.
#2
You're relying a lot on your rhyming. This is a good way to get a powerful flow in your lyrics, but with the repititions you've got going you don't really need it.

Basically, you're just cutting off your own leg without really gaining that much in the other end. In the first two verses it works and from then it slowly falters, and your rhymes feels more and more forced. I'd heavily consider revising the rhyming scheme. That would give you a lot more freedom and you wouldn't feel forced to write about 'hollow heart's tea'.

Other than that, you should seriously consider cutting some words to make it better fit a rythm scheme. A lot of words are easily cut as they don't really pull their own weight.

I like the general idea of the piece, but the structure, as you say yourself, needs work.

Thanks for the crit, btw.

Hope this helps.

[Edit]: Oh, and one more thing, add your lyrics to your signature. This makes it easier for people to find them, and you will probably have an easier time getting people to crit you back.
Last edited by AlienFinger79 at Jan 8, 2009,