#1
You are not 'the shit'
especially not for using trendy lingo
and pretending that the world would love
to suck you dry.

Nikes and bright-colored plaid and
being horrendously pretty may
make you easy on the eyes, but
when I stare into your own, I see as much substance as
that used magnum on the floor filled with
your designer genes.

I want to know what you're like naked -
No, not sexually, you egotistical cunts
but stripped down to your soul -
I can't see it right now behind the obnoxious front;
it must have been sucked dry.


c4c, but really, this is just me ranting
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




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theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#2
yeah, rant is about right.
you've got the mad spitting vitriol thing locked down the details just need way more elaboration.
someone seems to have gotten you mighty pissed off but you dont really explain how.
so far their biggest crime is trendy lingo and being pretty.
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
#3
it may be ranting, but its some of the best ranting i've read in ages. You've really got the tone and flow down pat, and there isn't any childish or bad writing here, you've actually reamined poetic, which is great to see. I really enjoyed this.
#4
Quote by vintage x metal
You are not 'the shit'
especially not for using trendy lingo
Not liking this line.
and pretending that the world would love
to suck you dry.
Meh, "sucked you dry" wasn't what I wanted you to say. It's just so... anticlimactic. You've got some decent stuff, but ended on the wrong note.

Nikes and bright-colored plaid and
being horrendously pretty may
make you easy on the eyes, but
when I stare into your own, I see as much substance as
that used magnum on the floor filled with
your designer genes.
The only thing I really liked was "designer genes", and it wasn't all that spectacular.

I want to know what you're like naked -
No, not sexually, you egotistical cunts
No no no no no. "Cunts" cut against the grain that was this stanza. You're talking about stripping him down to the soul, and yet you devolve it to name calling.
but stripped down to your soul -
I can't see it right now behind the obnoxious front;
it must have been sucked dry.


Something about the voice of the narrator seemed juvenile. Because of the nature of your delivery, your stanzas come across alot shorter that what I would like, and it leaves things undeveloped and forced. Sorry to be so harsh, but I just didn't like it.

Link in my sig if you wish...
#5
...well I liked it. I could easily see where you were coming from, but it did need a bit of clarity on what was really going on... maybe you could extend it, write another stanza between the second and the third, but that's totally up to you.

Now I actually really liked the "designer genes" line, it really fit, and gave a bit of insight into this person... although the egotistical cunts line didn't really work for me, but I'm sure you can find a way to say the exact same thing without using that word...

I liked it, and I really have to applaud you because it's always hard to write a good rant without it sounding really whiny and egotistical, so good work!
#6
Quote by vintage x metal
You are not 'the shit'
especially not for using trendy lingo
and pretending that the world would love
to suck you dry.
don't like the first 2 lines at all. It was a clumsy opener. I realize the tone is just blunt in your face but after the first two, i was turned off. Second two are decent. I like the idea more than the wording.


Nikes and bright-colored plaid and
being horrendously pretty may
make you easy on the eyes, but
when I stare into your own, I see as much substance as
that used magnum on the floor filled with
your designer genes.
This is very good. Nike's and plaid threw me off. It's not as descriptive as it sounds at first glance. I have no idea what to picture with that although it seems like it is going for imagery. Only other thing I didn't like was magnum. condom would have been more effective in my opinion.


I want to know what you're like naked -
No, not sexually, you egotistical cunts
but stripped down to your soul -
I can't see it right now behind the obnoxious front;
it must have been sucked dry.
like how it goes back to the beginning. It's not a flat out kick in the face like i was hoping this was building to but I've become a fan of slight anticlimax. (Especially after reading a piece by lessthanthat a while ago.)
It's a solid ending. Not as strong as the second but it works.


c4c, but really, this is just me ranting



I enjoyed reading this. It is one of those things that just spews out but for what it is, it's pretty well done. The ideas aren't entirely new or refreshing but you did a good job with them.



if you don't mind dropping a line on the 'floor' link in my sig, that would be cool
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Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#7
Quote by FunkasPuck
yeah, rant is about right.
you've got the mad spitting vitriol thing locked down the details just need way more elaboration.
someone seems to have gotten you mighty pissed off but you dont really explain how.
so far their biggest crime is trendy lingo and being pretty.


That.
I think the tone is right, but expansion would still give it more. A poem about lacking substance needs to be filled with substance. This is: "I don't like you, you lack substance, you lack substance".
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!