#1
this was my second try at writing song lyrics not a poem and i think it went astray,i havnt posted my first attempt yet will do another day..

Met her on a night out
at a time when i was down
fixed me in her sights
then slowly walked around
My stomach did a backflip
being new to this town
where's the jelouse boyfriend
the music made no sound

Should have had a drink tonight
Should have left the car
Should have had a drink tonight
I should be at the bar

She took me by the hand
lead me to the floor
my eyes flicked all around
my nerves by now were raw
Pressing her body close to mine
her teeth carressed my jaw
no escape , i am trapped
for me no exit door

Should have had a drink tonight
Should have left the car
Should have had a drink tonight
S**t i need the bar

Mickey mouse catches my eye
a tattoo on her shoulder
kissing neck and stroking back
no choice but to hold her
Swaying together back and fore
pushing myself to be bolder
my naivity showing through
with somone so much older

Should have had a drink tonight
Should have left the car
Should have had a drink tonight
I should be at the bar

Whispering softly in my ear
arching her neck to reach
telling me what she wanted to know
she says you cannot teach
Looking up her eyes glisten black
for an answer they beseetch
do you know how to make love
as a question what a peech...

Glad i didnt drink tonight
glad i brought the car
Glad i didnt drink tonight
And now we leave the bar....

cheesy i know but i tried to follow a tune and got lost...

any reply however derogitive would be much appretiated.

TA
Last edited by lugchris at Dec 15, 2008,
#2
i do like it on the last line "and know we leave the bar" is that meant to be And now we leave the bar ? i cant make sense of it lol good job though
#3
Quote by Craigy_boii2008
i do like it on the last line "and know we leave the bar" is that meant to be And now we leave the bar ? i cant make sense of it lol good job though


sorry just my habit of badly spelling simple words...
just found out you can edit and have done so.
Last edited by lugchris at Dec 15, 2008,
#4
Hmmmmm, the rhyme scheme was irritating to read.

But, i was captivated and read it with interest, points for that.
I think maybe the drink, car, bar bit is repeated a bit much and maybe it could lose a little weight as a whole, but for first lyrics...Good!
#5
Quote by joni_xz
Hmmmmm, the rhyme scheme was irritating to read.

But, i was captivated and read it with interest, points for that.
I think maybe the drink, car, bar bit is repeated a bit much and maybe it could lose a little weight as a whole, but for first lyrics...Good!


struggling a bit with the difference i am trying to make between a poem and a song,probably im forcing it to be a song not a poem...