#1
I was in a very dark place when writing these lyrics, and i basically wrote a song about one particular night. But i would like to know what you think of them.

A personnel friendship i have grown
to a couple of special friends i call my own
they run and they hide during the day
but when night falls, i let them in for a stay

the flames light up the night sky
the smoke rises, rises high
i lay still on the ground
i pray it hits me next time around

the crazyness starts to kick in
it's not strong enough, i still feel my limbs
i run around seeking to find more escape
bam, it hits me, my dreams start to drape

down and out in the cold
on my back i start to foam
i roll over on my side
my emotions hit me like an unstoppable tide

i start to think about all that has been done
i think about all the days that i was called son
it's to hard to take, i get the keys
i drive and drive, no one sees

i look for a place to go
where no one would find me, friend or foe
i comtemplate many things through the journey
i think of how i'll look on the gourny

i pause for a short while, feeling a vibration
reading a text that gave my life sensation
i hop in the car and head back to home
thinking of the times when i seen those knomes

i get home and run to bed, i scatter the stuff that was mine
i relize how close i was to dying, this would be the second time
i relize all the people out there that would miss me
but that does not stop the pain inside, i wish it would leave

i fall to sleep scared and angered
the message, people love me, i have heard
i promise myself and others, i would stop
but when it hurts this much, i can't say for sure

as i lay there dreaming in deep sleep
i pray and pray my soul to keep.
#2
hey man, overall i really liked this piece. the way you write has this sort of casualness, i dont know how to explain it... anyways, here's my breakdown of it:

A personnel friendship i have grown
to a couple of special friends i call my own
they run and they hide during the day
but when night falls, i let them in for a stay

this is actually probably the weakest stanza... i understand it sort of gives the setting, but its not as visual as the other ones

the flames light up the night sky
the smoke rises, rises high
i lay still on the ground
i pray it hits me next time around

I love the image i get with those two first lines, the sky being lit up by the flames and then the smoke reaching up to it, then there's you lying there, just looking up at the whole thing... good stuff

the crazyness starts to kick in
it's not strong enough, i still feel my limbs
i run around seeking to find more escape
bam, it hits me, my dreams start to drape

this one is cool, its a little different from the other stanzas. sounds like the narrator is in some kind of euphoric state. the words "crazyness" and "bam" give it that casual feel i was talking about. its a nice continuation from the previous stanza

down and out in the cold
on my back i start to foam
i roll over on my side
my emotions hit me like an unstoppable tide

The simile in the last line here really makes this stanza.

i start to think about all that has been done
i think about all the days that i was called son
it's to hard to take, i get the keys
i drive and drive, no one sees

i like the idea of having a retroscpective so close to the conclusion of the piece. its a nice flashback though, and sort of gives us a bit more insight on what is bothering you

i look for a place to go
where no one would find me, friend or foe
i comtemplate many things through the journey
i think of how i'll look on the gourny

this one sounds a little forced... i find it cheesy and doesnt fit in with the rest

i pause for a short while, feeling a vibration
reading a text that gave my life sensation
i hop in the car and head back to home
thinking of the times when i seen those knomes

i like this stanza alot. i love how you bring up the text message, its very smooth and fluid. the last word though, "knomes" doesnt fit in well sonically. with the S at the end it doesn't rhyme and it just sounds out of place

i get home and run to bed, i scatter the stuff that was mine
i relize how close i was to dying, this would be the second time
i relize all the people out there that would miss me
but that does not stop the pain inside, i wish it would leave

this one is pretty emotional. the style makes me think of something Eminem would write... which is good

i fall to sleep scared and angered
the message, people love me, i have heard
i promise myself and others, i would stop
but when it hurts this much, i can't say for sure

as i lay there dreaming in deep sleep
i pray and pray my soul to keep.

i like what you're trying to say here, yet it isn't phrased very well. again, it sounds a little forced. its a nice closure though


there ya go. in general i think its pretty good as i said, however its not very constant, there's a couple of stanzas in there that you should have either left of or we-worked because they hurt the rest of the piece. When i write really personal stuff, i know how hard it is to erase some parts which don't fit in as well, but its for the good of the piece.

-chris-

EDIT: here's mine: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1023518
<DInkyDaisy>I would so have sex with tauket now.
<SpacedOut>I'd kill to have tauket naked in a bath of warm milk right now.
<Blnkgttrst>Oh Chris, you're what the Spaniards call "El Terrible"
<Jallas>chris you're hot in bed