#1
old piece, lyrical style. not good at all, but i've never posted it before, i don't think i have anyways. leave links and i'll repay crits.

"telecommunications"

teleprompters cue the disinterest we share towards a passerby,
who doesn't understand that the text dictates the pen.
we televise these blatant, overly descriptive lies,
and broadcast everything in its entirety
while anything taking place before it comes to an end.

credentials are given to where they're due,
credentials are given to where they are due.

frequently will those who view make-believe that the show is through,
the frequencies begin fluctuating and failure unfolds;
this show was nothing more than a waste of sixteen days,
this show was nothing more than a waste.

credentials are given to where they're due,
and the fucking teleprompters miss their final cue.

lights, camera, telecommunication!
we've misplaced all the lines we had written down for you,
we've misplaced all the lines, we've misplaced all the lines,
we've been misplaced, we've been misplaced, we've been misplaced.
#2
if you didn't think it was good, why would you post it? it really wasn't that great.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#3
Quote by Final
we televise these blatant, overly descriptive lies,
and broadcast everything in its entirety
while anything taking place before it comes to an end.


Only weak part in the entire lyrics. It was awkwardly stated, and the rhyme of "pen / end" felt... I dunno, more contrived than natural. Like you were fighting out words to get both the rhyme and the idea in there, when really you just need to chill brah.

Everything else, though: spectacular. I really miss your writing.

And you. Come back to me, **** that tramp you've had on the side.
#4
freshtunes, you post things you don't think are great so people rip them apart with criticism thus helping you notice things you could have done wrong with the piece of writing.. you know, so you can improve.. but that's just me being logical about it.

besides, I'd like to think I've established myself as a pretty decent writer on these forums, I'm not afraid to post things that everybody could hate, I'm not here to try impressing anybody with anything, I just try getting better one day at a time.

Thanks Corey, I honestly don't remember writing this one too much, it was back in my "bad" days where I was rarely sober at any given time during any given day.

I'll come back to you too, I just need time.. I just need.. time.
Last edited by Final at Dec 16, 2008,
#5
look at my critiques, rarely do i ever "rip" anything apart. your other pieces may be excellent, but im telling you i did not like this. there wasn't much here, it was weak in a way. how am i suppose to believe this is a good solid piece if you yourself say it is "not good at all"?
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
Last edited by freshtunes at Dec 16, 2008,
#6
Quote by Final
old piece, lyrical style. not good at all, but i've never posted it before, i don't think i have anyways. leave links and i'll repay crits.

"telecommunications"

teleprompters cue the disinterest we share towards a passerby,
who doesn't understand that the text dictates the pen.
we televise these blatant, overly descriptive lies,<--- ironically useless
and broadcast everything in its entirety
while anything taking place before it comes to an end.

two main problems. Starting to read this poem was like stepping into an empty room and getting a brick thrown at your face right away. I really think you need some kind of opener here. Introduce your subject.
Second problem : vagueness. Those last two lines don't really say much do they? Basically, to me, these last three lines here said "we televise blatant lies one after another".


credentials are given to where they're due,
credentials are given to where they are due.

frequently will those who view make-believe that the show is through,
the frequencies begin fluctuating and failure unfolds;
this show was nothing more than a waste of sixteen days,
this show was nothing more than a waste.
The first line had a weird tone change, the second one an alliteration just a little bit over the top. Also, failure does not unfold. You put it in place from the very beginning of the piece. Filler, to me.

credentials are given to where they're due,
and the fucking teleprompters miss their final cue.
unnecessary harsh language. Doesn't add anything. All of a sudden you get all emotional? It's just not credible to me.

lights, camera, telecommunication!
we've misplaced all the lines we had written down for you,
we've misplaced all the lines, we've misplaced all the lines,
we've been misplaced, we've been misplaced, we've been misplaced.
Lyrics, alright. Not the strongest but the message is clear.


Let me get this straight. It seemed like you tried to talk about something in an inappropriate fashion. Like if you'd get all ****ing excited telling me about brown rice. You are trying to address a social issue here. you have to convince me that it is an issue first. Bring the problem up front. State facts.

Right now, this just seems like a song about a teleprompter ****ing up to me.

idk?
Last edited by circular.parade at Dec 16, 2008,
#7
Oh no freshtunes, I'm sorry, I seemed like an asshole, I didn't mean to, I know you were just giving your opinion and I do appreciate it, I'm glad when people tell me I was horrible; honestly. Like I said, this is very old and didn't expect good crits. Sorry if I was pretentious and lame about everything. I read your latest piece and did enjoy it throughly and will hopefully be able say something constructive about it.


Thanks Mat, there's a lot wrong about this, I just posted it because it's old and has had no help at all. I don't know if I want to revise it yet, but I'll try messing with it to make it better. Thank you guys, it does mean a lot.