#1
The day you fell
i couldn't tell
if up was down
or if home was hell
your wings were ripped
and mine were clipped
but we didn't care
all that mattered is that you were there

Sand under your toes
on the day that it snows
I saw your face
Out in the cold
We make saints with our backs
then we cover our tracks
the only memory
that mattered is that your were there

We sat alone in the dark
with both our bite and our bark
with only sweat and tears
we left our mark
and after all
it seemed so fine
it seemed so fine
we stayed intertwined and
all that mattered is that you were there

GBEdit: This is the chorus I came up with. The rhymes are kind of forced but I figure they have to be for a chorus. And don't be surprised that this song is about no one.

I remember when we kissed
then my heart began to twist
How could I have missed
that you don't exist
Last edited by gamebreaker at Dec 24, 2008,
#2
you called me yours
and I called you mine

I loved that line it brought the whole poem together. Kinda like ur walking down a dark tunnel and finaly you see the light.

You are using a basic rhyme scheme, But it fits so dont worry about that.

Unfortunatly i couldnt put any of those as a chorus. I suggest making the chorus have a different rhyme scheme just to distinguish it.
#3
The day you fell
i couldn't tell
if up was down
or if home was hell I'd cut 'if' from this line - it just muds up the otherwise very firm rythm
your wings were ripped
and mine were clipped
but you didn't care The 'ripped'/'clipped' rhyme is strong because of the different natures of the words despite their similar meaning. I'd back it up by turning 'you' into 'we'. It would make more sense to me, at least.
all that mattered is that you were there

Sand under your toes
on the day that it snows Dunno if this seems really, really poetic or just seems like a forced rhyme - if you wrote it for the first reason, by any means keep it.
I saw your face
Out in the cold
We make saints with our backs
then we cover our tracks again, I can't determine if this is very poetic or a forced rhyme. Same advice as before.
the only memory
that mattered is that your were there

We sat alone in the dark
with both our bite and our bark clumsy and gramatically incorrect. I'd consider hitting up 'dark' in rhymezone.com to get ideas for less clumsy rhymes
with only sweat and tears
we left our mark this is awesome
and after all
it seemed so fine
you called me yours
and I called you mine

Please choose which one you see as a suitable chorus. I'd be happy to C4C! Thx

I would try to keep the form with the 'all that mattered' line in the end of the last verse. The ending of that verse could easily becomea bridge. And I also think that you should think up a different chorus to put it all together.

I'd love for you to crit my latest piece, but if you do, please rip it to shreds =).

Hope this helps
Alienfinger79
#4
Quote by gamebreaker
The day you fell
i couldn't tell
if up was down
or if home was hell
Good intro, gets you thinking right off the bat.
your wings were ripped
and mine were clipped
but you didn't care
I agree with what the other guy said about changing to 'we' Ripped and clipped does give it an interesting touch
all that mattered is that you were there
Ahh, this ties it together, i was wondering what this was about. Maybe take out 'that' to give it more flow?
Sand under your toes
on the day that it snows
at first i didn't understand this at all. The more i read it the more I liked it. Has an interesting effect although i can't point out why
I saw your face
Out in the cold
We make saints with our backs
then we cover our tracks
I just didn't understand what this meant, and it sounded forced. Forgive me if i'm just missing it.
the only memory
that mattered is that your were there

We sat alone in the dark
with both our bite and our bark
Ehhh, not too crazy about the second line, just doesn't go well.
with only sweat and tears
we left our mark
I love this line. Makes the piece sound more concrete becase the rest of it was more abstract
and after all
it seemed so fine
you called me yours
and I called you mine
Great ending, ties it all together well
B]
Please choose which one you see as a suitable chorus. I'd be happy to C4C! Thx

Thanks for the crit on mine BTW. Overall I liked this piece, some of the wording was a little unsure, but it had good imagery and feeling to it.[/
#5
"We make saints with our backs
then we cover our tracks" this was the line that made the whole piece for me, really it was fantastic overall, I really enjoyed it, but those two lines really made it for me. The whole piece had a wonderful feel to it, really played off of the emotions, well done.

If you could take a look at twelve walls for me, I'd be pretty happy, cheers!
#6
I agree with Vallowary here, those two lines basically stood out. Nice read!
Yamaha ERG 121
Yamaha F370TBS
Yamaha GA-10

NOOB KIT FTW

-------------------------

Lyrical Insanity:

Chasing Shadows
#7
Really liked this, good, tight word choice used.

We sat alone in the dark
with both our bite and our bark

brilliant line there.


Id love it if you could crit my lyrics (in my sig)

Thanks!
#8
Thanks for all the crits guys! I updated my song with a chorus. Hope you like it!
Quote by darkstar2466
Don't fret man.
#9
Quote by gamebreaker
The day you fell
i couldn't tell
if up was down
or if home was hell
your wings were ripped
and mine were clipped
but you didn't care
all that mattered is that you were there

The only thing I would consider here is swapping the ripped and clipped around, it kind of goes with the theme that you were in distress. Obviously I'm not entirely what the song is about, but if your words make more sense to the meaning, then go ahead and keep them. Good verse.

Sand under your toes
on the day that it snows
I saw your face
Out in the cold
We make saints with our backs
then we cover our tracks
the only memory
that mattered is that your were there

Again a good verse, but I feel like the ''the only memory, that mattered is that you were there'', doesn't really fit with the flow. Perhaps re-word it? Keep the repetition though, I liked that.

We sat alone in the dark
with both our bite and our bark
with only sweat and tears
we left our mark
and after all
it seemed so fine
it seemed so fine
we stayed intertwined and

Again a good verse, except for the sudden stop of repetition of the last line.

I remember when we kissed
then my heart began to twist
How could I of missed
that you don't exist

I don't really get what you're trying to say with the last two lines, maybe it's because you've forced the rhyme. Just change the last two to fit with the rest of the song and you're good.


Overall, I enjoyed it, needs touching up but I think you've done a good job overall.
.Brand New.Bright Eyes.This Will Destroy You.

THRRRRRRRREADKILLER!
#10
"How could I of missed"
Dear Lawdy!

HAVEHAVEHAVE!

I hate how the internet has bastardized language.


I would crit this, but the people above have got pretty much all I would say.
#11
Quote by ginjaninja
"How could I of missed"
Dear Lawdy!

HAVEHAVEHAVE!

I hate how the internet has bastardized language.


I would crit this, but the people above have got pretty much all I would say.



Lol, I would never have caught that. thanks...
Quote by darkstar2466
Don't fret man.
#13
Quote by SeeEmilyPlay
I usually not a huge fan of rhyming but you worked it really well into this piece. I liked it! will you be using it for a song?


Hopefully so. I've never written a song before but I'm trying really hard to mold one around these lyrics. Meanwhile, at the same time I'm attempting to write another but I can't think of anything to write about. I have a couple ideas but none are working for me. Thanks for the crit. Do you have a piece I could look at?
Quote by darkstar2466
Don't fret man.