#1
keep or not to keep ? everyone says practice and you'll get better that works for guitar but it dont seem to work in my song writing i cant stop rhyming because it dont sound right if i dont and the only thing i can write about is hate and love and it sucks
tbh i would love feedback dont hesitate to say "i hate it" i would rather people be honest ill crit your songs back if you want but please imrovments or anything just let me know thanks in advance...


Everything around me Isnt mine
everything you say, is just another lie
i have no words i have no feeling
i crashed and burned
the day i met you ( the day i met you )

the thought resides in my head
i promised you i would never leave
you take this out on me all day long
all the promises i havnt kept i know
but its my turn now
im sorry i have to go

i shed a tear for every memory past
this was the one thing i thought would always last
iv broken my promise's to you
i guess its over, i guess we're finally through

bloodshot eyes, a broken heart
dont say this is easy for me
im not the man you really want
im not the man to let this pass by
( i really cant let this pass by )

the thought resides in my head
i promised you i would never leave
you take this out on me all day long
all the promises i havnt kept i know
but its my turn now
im sorry i have to go

the future isnt what it used to be
nothings what it seemed to be
#2
love and hate there's not a lot else to write about, as you know ive just started trying to write lyrics too.i spent two hours on my way to work and the same on the way back skipping through songs on my car tunes maker.got through about 300 diff tunes and became aware that a lot even though icons would'nt be even glanced at if they wer'nt set to music.
but also i did see shapes,its not just whether it rhymes,listen to some of your favourits and look at the shapes .
you will see that whether or not things rhyme or have meaning they have a shape ,whether it be first line long , second line long, two words ,then a long line etc and then they repeat etc etc
a classic oldie to look at if you can get it is 'paint it black' by the rolling stones,i listened to this one today and the shapes are much clearer cos there isnt any changes for a chorus.
but as regards your latest
naff all wrong once you fill it out with sound
in all honesty its only a few songs i personally think are remembered for the words
most are just bloody good tunes with some lines to carry them along.

but then i dont doubt the lyrisists would argue. but then how many people buy poetry books anymore.

keep plugging away and concentrate on putting the tunes to the words.thats what people really want..
#3
Heya, just some advice given to me a long time ago,

unless it's part of your writing, do try to put in punctuation. It helps the reader get a better flow of your lyrics.

Ok, on to the comments.

Quote by Craigy_boii2008


Everything around me Isnt mine
everything you say, is just another lie
i have no words i have no feeling
i crashed and burned
the day i met you ( the day i met you )

I just love the first 2 lines.

the thought resides in my head
i promised you i would never leave
you take this out on me all day long
all the promises i havnt kept i know
but its my turn now
im sorry i have to go

It's a really abrupt change from lines 2 to 3 here, from "i" to "you". It clears up for me around line 4, but you might wanna try rearranging that section a bit.

i shed a tear for every memory past
this was the one thing i thought would always last
iv broken my promise's to you
i guess its over, i guess we're finally through

bloodshot eyes, a broken heart
dont say this is easy for me
im not the man you really want
im not the man to let this pass by
( i really cant let this pass by )

nothing to say here, the stuff works for me.

the thought resides in my head
i promised you i would never leave
you take this out on me all day long
all the promises i havnt kept i know
but its my turn now
im sorry i have to go

See previous chorus

the future isnt what it used to be
nothings what it seemed to be

the "to be" is a bit repetitive, but otherwise great ending as well.


Of course, this is just my opinion, no malice/ill will intended.

Keep up the writing!
Yamaha ERG 121
Yamaha F370TBS
Yamaha GA-10

NOOB KIT FTW

-------------------------

Lyrical Insanity:

Chasing Shadows
#4
cheers guys well i always have tunes for them cuz i play sinng then write them down but i havnt got my recording stuff yet but as soon as i do be prepared
thanks again