#1
Justice for all, a corrupted phrase, lies spewed from their mouths
Corruption, verdicts bought, this disease is spread throughout
Guilty, ones go free, the innocent left to suffer
The system meant, to protect and serve, has now failed us all

Now one can help us (NO ONE CAN STOP THEM)
We’re all going down (OUR INEVITABLE FATE)
The lies that they tell us (OVER AND OVER)
Should not be believed (NEVER)

**** YOU, this ain’t right, the lies keep pouring out
Why won’t, you stop the lies, or is that all you know about?
You sit, up on your bench, knowing the verdict is set
The system, can’t protect the poor, their fate has been set

Now one can help us (NO ONE CAN STOP THEM)
We’re all going down (OUR INEVITABLE FATE)
The lies that they tell us (OVER AND OVER)
Should not be believed (NEVER)

tell me what you guys think
#2
Sounds like you were going for a metalcore/post-hardcore kinda thing. Throw in a nice bridge and it's perfect.
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#4
Quote by darkwolf291

Justice for all, a corrupted phrase, lies spewed from their mouths
Corruption, verdicts bought, this disease is spread throughout
Guilty, ones go free, the innocent left to suffer
The system meant, to protect and serve, has now failed us all
I know that these commas are here because that is where you have pauses when singing the lines, but in a reading context it just gets annoying if misused like that (Underlined). I know that commas can be used for emphasis, and effect, (like when singing) but breaking up clauses like this... no thanks. I didn't enjoy seeing the repetition of "corrupt" in the second line. Pick the line it stays in, and replace the other.


Now one can help us (NO ONE CAN STOP THEM)
We’re all going down (OUR INEVITABLE FATE)
Inevitable felt like the wrong word here. The poly-syllabic-ness of it was out of place, and threw me off of the rhythm.
The lies that they tell us (OVER AND OVER)
Should not be believed (NEVER)
A little cliche, but it works, it flows, the parenthesized phrases helped break it up.

**** YOU, this ain’t right, the lies keep pouring out
Profanity is sh*t (woo irony!). Get rid of it, re word it, re word it well. I didn't like the "you", as suddenly it changes the tone of the piece, making it much more personal rather than just about the corrupted justice system (a thing, not a person).
The repetition of "lies" is getting boring now, I want you to stop talking about some lies and elaborate, expand, move on.

Why won’t, you stop the lies, or is that all you know about?
This repetition of "lies" is terrible, as it was used in the line before.
You sit, up on your bench, knowing the verdict is set
Repetition of verdict is annoying here. Synonym please.
The system, can’t protect the poor, their fate has been set
"is/has been set" repetition is ugly to see.

Now one can help us (NO ONE CAN STOP THEM)
We’re all going down (OUR INEVITABLE FATE)
The lies that they tell us (OVER AND OVER)
Should not be believed (NEVER)

tell me what you guys think



Overall quite good. The first stanza is easily the best, yet even that had it's problems. As to the chorus, despite not enjoying it while reading, it seems like something I would listen to. It was very strong throughout, and didn't go anywhere it didn't need to.


C4C? Dear Diary, link in sig.
Last edited by ginjaninja at Dec 17, 2008,
#5
I think you should focus much more on rythm - your lyrics seem very rythm-oriented, but the rythm is broken and sometimes clumsy. An example would be the very first line - rythmically, it seems incredibly clumsy. You should really cut some words where you see fit - every word has to carry its own weight or it's out.

Far along the way, I agree with the post above mine. I don't mind you using the word verdict twice, though, and I love the '**** YOU'-part - it just metaphorically slapped me on the side of my head (in a good way).

I agree that you are throwing out the word 'lies' like it was candy. It makes it sem like you are repeating yourself when you should be elaborating and progressing.

And yeah, the set/set rhyme was very, very underwhelming.

Otherwise a fine piece. Not overwhelmingly original, but very passionate and strong. Could be very good indeed once you've weeded some words and phrases out.

Hope this helps.
AlienFinger79

As my sig states, I could use some help with my lyrics as well, but please rip them to shreds if you choose to help out. They probably need it.
#6
Quote by ginjaninja
Overall quite good. The first stanza is easily the best, yet even that had it's problems. As to the chorus, despite not enjoying it while reading, it seems like something I would listen to. It was very strong throughout, and didn't go anywhere it didn't need to.


C4C? Dear Diary, link in sig.

yeah....the commas are there for referance for me when recording and singing it..and the f you part is directed to the crooked lawyers and judges in the legal system..not the system its self..and its loosely rhythm based...i dont really focus on the rhythm in writing..the flow of the lyrics match the guitar
Last edited by darkwolf291 at Dec 17, 2008,