#1
c4c. "and now for something completely different."


There was this... umm... girl that I almost knew once.
She sat across the room from me in Chemistry.

I always imagined me winking at her in class; and then
she would smile at me and blow a kiss.
Her name was Stephanie Marie James Edgar the third.
It was a long dignified name with lots of rich history;
and everyone called her a boy because her name had an Edgar.
But in my dreams... erm... she was all woman.

I never did say hi to her,
but she did have a kid once.
I named her kid Zach Jr. in my brain.
He was cute once, like his momma.
But then Steph's house burnt down
and Zach Jr was too dumb to crawl out of it.

I never really said hi to her, but since she was my neighbor
I did hold her while she mourned the loss of what was left of me.
#2
here we go. this was fantastic. I did not like "in my brain". In my mind would have been better but I'd consider rewording that part.

This has your usual observant, "witty" (although it's not my favorite word) nature with your occasion outbursts of emotions strewn across it. This has both sides of you and I like it
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#3
Her name was Stephanie Marie James Edgar the third.
It was a long dignified name with lots of rich history;
and everyone called her a boy because her name had an Edgar.
But in my dreams... erm... she was all woman.


There's a couple things I don't like about this bit. One is that it feels like filler. Not in it's delivery, but the concept itself. I thought to myself "why should I know about her names history? Or how everyone called her a boy? Now, the last line is decent in that it brings it back to you, and puts this special relationship between you and her, but "all woman" wasn't what I had in mind.

Also, the "erm" and "umm" bidness doesn't slide well with me. Just my personal taste.

That's all the nitpicks I can think off. That, and I'm not sure I like the way you wrapped it up, but that's probably just me.

It's good as always, but not as charged as some of your other stuff. I dunno, my mind is vacant right now, but I think I've made sense. Humiliate me if I haven't.

Link in my sig if you choose.

EDIT: "Charged" was the wrong word. It's "snappy". It doesn't have the snap that some of your stuff has.
Last edited by Ninjamonkey767 at Dec 16, 2008,
#4
I wasn't digging this at first but then I got to the end and I was like oh ****. Probably my favorite poem I've read on here in a while.

Very excellent, bro. I looooooove it.
#5
Thanks Kids.

Ben: The reason that is in there (and there is a real reason) is because I wanted it to be from the state of mind I was in when something like this happened. I want the narrator to be quirky, to express random facts and be un-normal socially. A normal person doesn't ramble about **** like that, but a socially awkward kid who's never talked to anyone before, does. I wanted that effect. I wanted it to feel awkward for you. Also, I've tried to step away from being so "fiery" with the wit and snap... too let the actual story breathe a bit until I can find a way to make story work wiht the fire. I need to learn to balance them.

Jimi: Thanks sir. Glad you caught both sides. "in my brain" will stay, again... this is based off of me a few years back (narrator)... and that's the awkward phrasing I would have used.

Corey: Massive compliment, thanks so much.
#6
i really loved the tone of this. At the start i was thinking, "mm, ok, not bad" but by the time the end came around you had me enthralled. Its great to finally see some powerful emotion in your work.
#8
One of the most beautiful and sadening pieces I've read from you and from here.

Being honest, there was a period of time - almost two months - where I actually disliked your writing and I couldn't figure out why. I used to think of you so highly, as a character and a writer and it did sort of disappear, although I could still see past the silliness if I looked hard enough.
But, I don't need to anymore, it's smacking me in my face. This has totally reinvigorated the love that I had for your stuff. I cannot explain what it is that is deserving of this. It's not it's beyond words, it's just that I don't want to **** them up and downgrade something so loveable and so sad as this.
Sorry for being cheesy and dramatic. I'm in the mood for it.

Digitally Clean
#9
Haven't seen something that made me go "OHHH..." in a while, but this did.

Great stuff!
Yamaha ERG 121
Yamaha F370TBS
Yamaha GA-10

NOOB KIT FTW

-------------------------

Lyrical Insanity:

Chasing Shadows
#10
You're getting good at this whole 'emotion' thing, Zach

This was a bit of beauty.

I'd like to see something bouncy from you. Bouncy bouncy.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#12
the tone doesnt come off as naive as much as gimmicked and unprofessional. The rhythm was loose and so were the ideas. I didnt get any sort of feeling that you knew where you were going. The ending I felt was poorly built up and even then didnt flow at all. The syntactical shift between all of the piece and the last line was baffling and angering. I hate the font too. look, when you want to use caesurae cut the crap and use a comma or semi-colon, don't resort to the "umms" and "erms." it's the same stuff you're complaining about in Kyle's piece with the THUD. it's gimmicked filler that doesnt help characterization so much as make me see that this is a poem, take me out of that poem, and pound my head with authorial presence.

the houseburning metaphor is ****ing powerful but there was so much else going on i didnt even know if it was a metaphor, a reality, a joke, a piece of shoddy characterization, or what. I also couldnt tell how many levels were present here. what did "zack jr." represent other than the obvious? did he represent anything other than the obvious? what was the obvious in this situation anyway.

really, I had no idea the author had any idea what he was doing when he wrote this (appeared to be a lack of control over the language, both in form and function) and that made me unable to enjoy this.

you've been writing with much more clarity and purpose recently and this was a step back from that I feel.
#13
If you had a comment on the piece I sent you, it would be nice, but I owe you a million more times than you owe me.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#15
Not sure what to get from this sir.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#17
My mimic comp piece, I PMed it to you love

Just read this again, happy faces.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!