#1
so the problem with writing anything this massive is your probably don't want to read it. hope you do though. c4c. ots.


the mirage suite
[or the life you'd dream to lead.]


i. lady and the tramp

deconstruct.
she felt his eyes close around her gaze.
"stop it, let me go"
"no this moment is mine until we curl up and die,
alone in a house that will never become a home."
their joined spines unwind as they leave behind only imprints
on the ground to remind someone that for one violent moment
they were comets colliding with the earth.
they were the sparks that set flame to the hearth.
for one moment she was beautiful, and he was there to see it.

ii. the ballad of the s.s. minnow

the worst thing about ships is their tendency to sink when storms hit.

he was a captain, sea sick, unfit, to guide this boat to anything but rocky shores.
of course. of course. of course. his throat was hoarse. cathartic screams, and always off course.
"i had a thousand paper crane dreams that one day you'd sail back to me,
but i couldn't wait for you my captain. i'm already broken and you're a heartache waiting to happen.
and i had a thousand songs to sing, though you heard not a word cause you've been forever lost at sea.
and i had a brick house with a white picket fence and two children and you never came for us.
i've found a new heart, cut from construction paper and colored with black marker.
and though i drew you in the center, you've long been scribbled out and replaced with another.
oh my daydream lover. don't you dream of me anymore?"
and all along he sat and played piano songs on pearl keys sparkling like diamond rings.
"minor, minor, minor chords, my man. everything feels minor right now."

iii. springtime for hitler

"years and years and years,
you're still not here.
but i'll wait. some day it'll rain,
and i'll bloom inside your bedroom.
it's been a long winter, and all i need
is a little sunlight and something to hold tight."
and when he found her it was like a film reel played in reverse.
her hands peeled off his shoulders and she ran backwards.
she was a stream and he was rising steam.
so certain they'd never meet, that when they did,
they'd forgotten everything.
but he dug in his pocket and pulled out a sea foam rose.
"i added a petal for every day since you'd been away."
"but you were the one who left."
"i was always with you, hoping you'd find your way back to me."

iv. casanova

he is a violent shiver.
she shakes and stutters as she
draws her lips together in a silent quiver.
her lips were emeralds, and they were endless.
and the lovers were a landscape of sweat and flesh,
of longing and regret.
of life and death.
they weren't anything but two breaths drifting through
an expansive atmosphere.
but when their forms collided inside her bedroom mirror,
they were as one. the man becomes a god.
"our love has the power to move worlds
to swallow words and leave only the feeling."
and he was birthing blistering semen dreams of brothers and sisters
in the valleys of her hips and all that was left were a few months
til they'd find they had redrawn the lines on their palms.

v. benjamin button

and so nights unfold,
children grow old
and everything becomes a sun setting.
or a dream ending, back at the beginning.
"you'll leave, i believe, but i won't come find you."
he placed a shriveled seafoam rose on her chest
and left her forever.
"there are no comets, or imprints, or sailboats, or happy endings."

vi. plagiarism

so began disintegration.
the wild mood swings of the imaginary boy
with no faith and no place to rest his head.
she was a ghost and he was a fool,
with no space to meet except under some tuesday moon
in an aeroplane over the sea, with avery island under their feet.
he stood above a stone.
"i fell asleep with explosions in my eyes,
but i didn't dream of swelling riffs or dynamic shifts,
i only dreamt of your hand in mine,
forever and ever, all time."
he wept, he slept, on the wet grass.
sank through the dirt and found
a home at last.
#2
I feel like this is what I've been waiting for from you.

Exceptional. I was thinking this is awesome while i read it haha.

quick thoughts:

thought 'hearth' was kind of forced

"minor, minor, minor chords, my man. everything feels minor right now."
didn't like the last minor.

I don't know how this could be substituted in any way but I thought
"i added a petal for every day since you'd been away."
"but you were the one who left."
"i was always with you, hoping you'd find your way back to me."

was a touch over the top and a little weak. but I mean, it works with the situation, I just didn't enjoy reading this part as much as the rest.


I really enjoyed the references throughout
funny i was listening to explosions in the sky as i clicked the link. it ended before i read much though.

this is what I've been hoping for. A jump of the edge. In flamboyant metaphor terms, like a jump from a cliff where you reach back to hang on but can't get a hold then just float away anyway.

Ridiculously engaging. Touching. Moving... Loved it loved it loved it.


if you feel like reading, the word floor in me sig is recent but no real need.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
Last edited by jiminizzle at Dec 16, 2008,
#3
oh my god, my mind is blown. Anyone who can fully engage me in a poetic work that long from start to finish is truely amazing. The rhming, the flow, the rhythm, the characters, everythingwas fantastic. This is a masterpiece. Well done
#4
You, my dear sir, are a god.

(I loved this. Loved this. Loved this. Loved this. Loved this. Loved this. Loved this. Loved this. Loved this. Loved this. Loved this. Loved this. Loved this. Loved this. Loved this. Loved this.)

Absolutely phenomenal.

Thank you for letting me read it.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#5
I feel numb after reading that. You get so involved in it that it doesn't feel too long at all.

I loved your use of dialogue. It wasn't so much that it was overwhelming, but it was enough to add that extra bit of weight to the piece.

Absolutely beautiful.
#8
Quote by bassbeat77
I feel numb after reading that. You get so involved in it that it doesn't feel too long at all.

I loved your use of dialogue. It wasn't so much that it was overwhelming, but it was enough to add that extra bit of weight to the piece.

Absolutely beautiful.



that.

well deserved
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#10
Well done. I don't have anything to add, except, you already received this award not so long ago for another similar piece; it really goes to show how utterly brilliant you are as a writer.
#11
u r so gud i lyk u so much lolol ^____^y
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#13
Pretty amazing poetry, I have to admit.

I'm not sure what you mean by the titles of each section, though, so I can't fully appreciate those.

Keep up the good work.
"There's a fine line between child abuse and discipline. Take my dad for example; when I screwed up, my dad would electrocute me. And look at me today: flawless. Electrocution builds character." - Maddox