#1
Stay

Verse- As the clock ticks and turns
I feel the hurt it stabs and turns
It quickly fades back to gray
When you say your here to stay

Verse- As the fire burns and turns
My Soul gets burned away
It quickly fades back to gray
When you say your here to stay

Bridge- I don't know why
I cant see why
I wont know why

Chorus- Theres something you do to me
That i dont understand
Your perfect eyes
Your pretty smile
The fact that no one knows
The one that gives me all my joy
Ill never let her go

Verse- As the faces pass by close
Among the weeds you are the rose
I quickly fade back to gray
When you say your here to stay

Chorus- see first


Outro-repeats bridge


Yeah i know its very cliched. Rate please? Advice? Tips? Thanks. Its a acoustic fingerpicked song. Its also a very rough version...I just wrote it all tonite.
Last edited by evolve215 at Dec 17, 2008,
#3
Ill do it tomorrow, too late to record it right now. I just wrote it like 20 minutes ago.

But what do you think of the lyrics?

Im more of a guitar guy, not very good with melodies and the like.
#4
I'm not going to say much because I'm not an expert on writing, but rhyming the same word isn't a great idea.

Notably in the first 2 lines, the bridge doesn't seem so bad because it feels like you are doing it deliberately for an effect, but in the first part it just feels like you couldn't think of something that rhymes with turns so you just used the word again.

Irrelevant of that, it's not to bad. Do you read much? I think you could get quite good with a bit of practice.
#5
The only issue i realy had with this is alot of small words used for the ryhmes.

What im saying is instead of using 1 sylable words like.

see
knee
flea.

bed
dead
red.

try using a mixture of different sylables to rhyme with

for example


Im not a
alligator -4 sylables
waiter -2 sylables

But im a
elevator. -4 sylables
hater. -2 sylables

It just adds a little contrast.

On the otherhand i find the chorus is very well done and holds it all together well. I like how I had to wait till the chorus to understand what the song is about.