#1
Once again here we sit,
too numb to speak,
but dumb enough to write.

So we stand at the edges of docks,
which sit on the edges of lakes
and try to make out underneath the stars,
while we make out the patterns of the nails
that leave scars beneath our footsteps on the silky sand.

I keep growing a goatee
only for the reason,
that she keeps telling me to shave.
She keeps telling me to stay
only for the reason,
that I'll listen.
Cause I'm tough like that.

"You're going to Hell."
I'll save you a seat.

When you leave a love for a whore,
you end up broke and on your back,
trying to crawl your way forward,
to the man you were before.
But you'll never reach a place of solitude,
you'll never find that peace,
trust me.
I know a thing or two.
Last edited by bluesybilly at Dec 17, 2008,
#2
This was too broken for me. It had no real emotional spark or anger. Some of it was lovel, the goatee idea and taht whole stanza was good.

My thoughts:

Lose the intro; just start with "we stand."

Clear up the "nails" thing. That image didn't come full-circle enough for me to grasp onto it quickly and let it be smooth within the read.

Lose the "yep." It's implied in the seat saving.

Last stanza held the only tangible emotion in the whole piece. Everything else leading up to it was devoid of your normal tone and spark and generally any personality.

Yeah.

Mini-me, if you don't mind jsut a read and a "i hated/liked" for a bump.
#4
I don't think the "Once again" is needed at the start.

This was enjoyable, but not as strong as your previous pieces.