#1
I owe a couple from my last one still. I haven't forgotten.


I saved an ocean today
that shared my insecurities.
Do you think I'm too deep?
God, I hope my fault-lines aren't showing.
I was the hand of reassurance,
at the cost of held breath
and falling eyelids,
but it's a shame nobody told me
that I didn't have to float face down.
A cast net in the vastness of
such unstable grounds,
where closed eyes can bring only blessings,
so even though I couldn't see past a couple of weeks,
I knew I'd eventually find the exit.
Give her two words and she'll wish for my death,
give her a name and I'll call her a friend.
Guilt is not an issue. Faith is not a virtue,
and back alley's will always cast a perfect light
on the modern family scene.
She said they stole her heart
to fill a fresh water aquarium,
but I hardly think her heart
could fill a fresh water fish bowl.
Neither would be suitable to support life anyways,
so maybe we share the same fate
of sharing nothing at all.
Last edited by bassbeat77 at Dec 18, 2008,
#2
this was brilliant from start to finish. Powerfully written with some amazing line like:

"God, I hope my fault-lines aren't showing"

"but I hardly think her heart
could fill a fresh water fish bowl."

the ending was beautifully stinging. Fantastic work through and through.
#3
I love it... I definitely have some stuff to learn from you! I love the more abstract way of forming the lines. Sometimes when I write, I feel trapped by the structure of the rhymes. I would love to see how this would come together with a beat!
#4
This was a little inconsistent and I wasn't fond of the line breaks. I don't see the point of breaking the lines like this when it disturbs the flow and takes away so much of the character that is definitely there so drastically.
I also felt that the imagery didn't quite flow as well as you might of planned. I can obviously see the relation between the repeated water idea throughout the piece, but everything just seemed like a brand new phrase with a killer line at the end of it. Nothing had real friendship with each other, just a more fake and poetic, 'hugs and kisses' relationship.
There were even sections that I thought were unecessary:
- "I couldn't see past a couple of weeks,
but I knew I'd eventually find the exit.
"
- Which felt a little flat and broken to me.

- "Give her two words and she'll wish for my death,
give her a name and I'll call her a friend.
Guilt is not an issue. Faith is not a virtue,
and back alley's will always cast a perfect light
on the modern family scene.
"
- I thought this entire section was a little mind bending, even though it should be clear and present. There were even additions that I thought were uncalled for almost.

I'm not in the best frame of mind, granted, but I didn't really enjoy this very much. You had some great one liners, but there were too many of them, put it that way.

Sorry for my ambiguity.

Digitally Clean
#5
this is the first piece I have read from you. really enjoyed it.

"but it's a shame nobody told me
that I didn't have to float face down."

that was a tight line, simple yet effective.


"give her a name and I'll call her a friend."

same with that.

the last line was quite a dissapointment though. it could deffinately use more "pop".
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#6
Substance: I love the idea. I love the contents.
Form: I didn't really like the line breaks and the flow was funny. It was a little difficult to read.

Overall though, I like this. I'd say just read it over a few time out loud.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja