#1
four drags of each days season.
back and forth pacing a room,
lesser known subjects drift in and out.
like a gun cutting through many accused of treason.

beginning to enjoy more with mourning,
over things that should be happening.
aren't you nervous?
some say they see my mood turning.

no correlation between
the way in which im adressed,
and the critical words penned by
the guy who falls out of his routine.

daily activities are poured to the side.
similar to the way fish are dumped,
after returning from the flemish cap.
a careless catch feeding my familily for whom i cant provide.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
Last edited by freshtunes at Dec 17, 2008,
#3
this is great, as a part of a whole. you really need to expand on this, but i like what is here atm. See if you cant work those italics into this piece, i almost read it as part of the piece.
#4
two more stanzas added. you always push me, and i figure even if i add more, and it really doesnt fit, the thinking is helping to expand the thought process. thank you.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#5
I generally enjoy your pieces, but this one didn't really do anything for me. Nothing about it really gripped me and by the time I was reading the next stanza I already didn't seem to care what the previous one had said.

I know you already added to it, but I think this could work much better with quite a bit of expansion, maybe even with a tad bit of a story line to draw out the sentiment. That's what I think anyways.

If you want something to read, the first link in my sig is my latest. Thanks.


Steve²
#6
i think this doesnt need to be longer, it just needs to be spiced up. Find your best bits and keep them. Then expand and develop the idea so it doesnt feel like your presenting the same thing over and over again, just in a different way. I'll edit in a full crit soon.
#7
I think my thoughts have already been expressed: Each verse didn't leave me with enough of an imprint that I would continue to ponder on when drifting into the next. But, only to love this. To enjoy this and want to go back and read it again a few more times, this fine as it is. There was nothing striking, but there was nothing bad either. Just quality writing that could of been developed into something more - other than the last line - but just didn't.
I found it hard to distinguish what the relation of the last line is to the rest of the piece. It's there, it just could of been made more evident and in-your-face. Just a personal preference.

I shall return and re-read this. If something else that may need to be said comes into my head then I'll mention it.

Good work, freshy.