#1
c4c

I would say the water’s rising,
But I’d sound like I was complaining.
And complaining is frowned upon here,
Because nothing should ever change for the better.

I feel I’m making cake without instructions,
And I’ve seemed to have lost the sugar.
And cake without sugar is just butter and flour.
But here, the flowers are sun-dried.

I’d like to stay with you, reading all your thoughts
But now the choice is made, you’re gone
And that’s really all that matters.
I’d like to think you’re happy now,
With whatever you decide to do.
I hope you’re happy now.

Are you happy now?

I don’t want you to feel as if my
Guilt has tripped you again.
I’d just like it if you’d talk to me about
Things that might affect me.

I’d like to stay with you, reading all your thoughts
But now the choice is made, you’re gone
And that’s really all that matters.
I’d like to think you’re happy now,
With whatever you decide to do.
I hope you’re happy now.

Are you happy now?

EDIT: Looking back on this piece, it's nowhere close to my best, seeing as it's not written from my perspective. This is sort of trying something new, writing from someone else's point of view.
ok, yeah. my name is silly because I signed up when I was 13.

BEDBUGS
Last edited by ratmblink123 at Dec 18, 2008,
#3
Ok, time to do this. Sorry its taken so long.

This whole thing was completely unbelievable, in the bad way. You sort of just scraped across teh surface of a story instead of really pulling the reader in. I never lost a sense that I was reading a piece. You kept pulling me out of the piece with little asides and whatnot. You need to suck me in and engross me with the content. The key to that? Make your narrator have a voice; without making him talk to me. I need to have a tone that isn't flat. That peaks and drops off, and expresses itself. This came out in monotone... like always speaking at one volume with no inflection.

What you lack here is voice and really... content. This didn't have enough here for you to truly build a narator around. You didn't have an emotional under current for a reader to pick up on, so your narrational tone's only job was to say what was on the page... not express anything.

I hope that makes sense, technically... I don't have much to offer... its hard to fault technicality when the basic premise of the piece is broken, because I can't tell if the technicalities such as punctuation suit the voice or not, etc...

-zC