#1
I posted this in the newbie comp about a month ago, but I want to get some con crit on it.

This isn't my usual style, very poppy, but it's the only piece I've put to music. So tell me what you think


Walked so many paths today
so many yesterday
it seems things never change
I walked a line today
that I wouldn't yesterday
I wish things didn't change
It's all just stripes and lines
you can never find
meaning within this mess
So walk your own designs
make up your own mind
you won't end up with less
no you won't end up-

[chorus]
Time it cannot be
further from me
it's outta sight
get outta mine
so out of reach
so far from me

I've seen many thoughts today
of so many yesterdays
will these things ever change
Walked roads that lead one way
thinking of yesterdays
and how things have to change
They're all just words and eyes
who could never find
more than what's to see
There's more than just the night
more than designs
in what I know you to be
yeah I know you

[chorus]

[bridge]
The clock dictates my life
but I have the right
to take it back to me
To put it in a house
and burn it down
so I can finally see

[chorus]

[chorus-2]
But when time comes to be
a slave to me
you're in my sight
always on my mind
and I will see
you near to me
#2
It's all just stripes and lines
Stripes and Lines is redundant, you could have put something more relevant here, or more meaningful. I suggest some kind of opposite thing (I forget what they're called), like black and white, on and off, up and down, get some interesting contrasting ideas there. (But then again, I'm a sucker for that stuff.)


Time it cannot be
further from me
it's outta sight
get outta mine
so out of reach
so far from me
I found this to be very circular in it's ideas, and it bored me. Time needs a comma afterwards, I think, and the "outta" annoyed me.

to take it back to me
"to me" feels unnecessary, filler-y just for the rhyme.


Over all, apart from those, I quite enjoyed this. I liked the recurring theme.
#3
As a piece, this has a nice resolution. The character is confused and directionless, and finds purpose in another. However, I think there were many conflicting ideas throughout, especially in the first stanza.
ex.
it seems things never change
(then)
I walked a line today
I wouldn't have walked yesterday
Finally, I agree with the guy above me about the chorus.
#4
Quote by Le_Bunny
I posted this in the newbie comp about a month ago, but I want to get some con crit on it.

This isn't my usual style, very poppy, but it's the only piece I've put to music. So tell me what you think


Walked so many paths today
so many yesterday
it seems things never change
I walked a line today
that I wouldn't yesterday
I wish things didn't change
It's all just stripes and lines
you can never find
meaning within this mess
So walk your own designs
make up your own mind
you won't end up with less
no you won't end up-

this stanza seems to walk in circles and get nowhere. my main gripe with it is its excess of words in comparison to its lack of concrete ideas to grasp onto. it paints a very stark picture in my mind, i just have to really focus on what you're talking about.

[chorus]
Time it cannot be
further from me
it's outta sight
get outta mine
so out of reach
so far from me

the inversion in the first line makes the rhyme seem very forced. the chorus is extremely redundant, you make a point and then you make it again, and again. it makes me want to just skim over instead of paying attention to what you're saying.

I've seen many thoughts today
of so many yesterdays
will these things ever change
Walked roads that lead one way
thinking of yesterdays
and how things have to change
They're all just words and eyes
who could never find
more than what's to see
There's more than just the night
more than designs
in what I know you to be
yeah I know you

you're revisiting exact thoughts from the first stanza, i understand you're making a very clear-cut point here, but if you don't find different ways to make that point, it just becomes a chore to read.

[chorus]

[bridge]
The clock dictates my life
but I have the right
to take it back to me
To put it in a house
and burn it down
so I can finally see

oh the last line just has to go. so very cliche and cringe-worthy.

[chorus]

[chorus-2]
But when time comes to be
a slave to me
you're in my sight
always on my mind
and I will see
you near to me

you're introducing a "you" here, i can only assume it's a love, but this new character has been completely unmentioned up until now and seems like a curveball at this point. the last couple lines read awkwardly, that 'to' doesn't fit, i expect you were doing it for syllable count reasons + flow reasons, but it just really doesn't work.




so i pretty much shat all over this, but i don't mean to do it to be mean, it is my opinion that in order to be an exciting writer you need to shake convention and traditional language. i understand that within the constraints of a song it's much more difficult to really convey your message, but that's why being a great songwriter is not a simple task. paint me a picture so i can better empathize with your scenario, that being said, the best way to improve is to keep writing, so keep at it, and i'm sure you'll be making me eat my words in no time. i'd really appreciate it if you'd take a look at the piece in my sig, if you have time.
#5
Thanks guys, I have a better perspective on this now. Like I said it isn't a normal piece to me, and writing lyrics seems a lot more difficult than prose or verse. Hopefully with your suggestions in consideration I'll come up with something heaps better
#6
i like the content of the poem as well asa the way you've structured it.
Quote by megadeth rule
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Quote by perry589
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#7
most of what i think about this has already been said, but i'll say it again anyway
Quote by Le_Bunny

Walked so many paths today
so many yesterday
it seems things never change
fairly solid opening, but it lacks that 'factor' that makes people want to read on. it's certainly not bad though
I walked a line today
that I wouldn't yesterday
I wish things didn't change
this is conflicting with the opening three lines and confusing the reader. first of all you're saying things never change, not things do change??
It's all just stripes and lines
pretty weak line imo. As someone else said, try and find some 'opposites' eg: on/off etc..
you can never find
meaning within this mess
pretty good, but i really don't like 'mess', i strongly suggest finding a better more 'sophisticated' word
So walk your own designs
make up your own mind
you won't end up with less
no you won't end up-
Overall, you don't really say much here. most of your ideas could have been conveyed in about the first half of this verse

[chorus]
Time it cannot be
further from me
it's outta sight
get outta mine
don't like 'outta'
so out of reach
so far from me
pretty solid chorus, it could be quite catchy if there's a good melody.


I've seen many thoughts today
of so many yesterdays
will these things ever change
Walked roads that lead one way
thinking of yesterdays
and how things have to change
They're all just words and eyes
who could never find
more than what's to see
There's more than just the night
more than designs
in what I know you to be
yeah I know you
to me, this seems like the first verse, just rephrased. again, very ideas. i really don't like the way you have used 'yesterdays'. to me it just seems like you have used them only to tie in with the first verse. sorry, but i think a lot of work needs to be done here
[chorus]

[bridge]
The clock dictates my life
but I have the right
to take it back to me
To put it in a house
and burn it down
so I can finally see
i really liked this except for the final line, far too cliche.
[chorus]

[chorus-2]
But when time comes to be
a slave to me
the rhymes seems kinda forced here, but it's not too obvious
you're in my sight
always on my mind
and I will see
you near to me
what exactly are th last two lines saying?? IMO they don't really add much to the piece
the rhythm is a little off as well
I like the fact that you've changed the chorus for thr final time. It keeps things fresh and not repetitive. I'm assuming you'll have the save melody??

there's me being completely honest. if i seemed unduly harsh, i didn't mean to be :P: if you make any radical changes, PM me and i'll have another look.
C4C? 'Break Down The Doors' in my sig, thanks
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