#1
Hm, Well I wrote a song, a very cliche' song... In a way, and it's a work in progress. So, criticism is highly encouraged, I want someone to just rip this thing apart, so it actually sounds decent.

(The mood for this is a slow acoustic song, if you want the chords PM...)

Verse 1:
I can't see your face, but I see your mind,
I've lost my breath, so hard to find.
I need something real, and real you got,
So come on girl, let's give it a shot.

Verse 2:
Your voice glides over the mountain tops,
When I see your lips, I lose my thoughts.
They say a rolling stone gathers it no moss,
but rolling down your hills had got me feeling lost.

Chorus: (This is the worst part...)

I need you to hold me down,
I need you to grab on real tight.
and I need you to give me your love tonight.


Verse 3:

I get lost inside your glacial gaze,
Like swimming through a fluid maze.
You shine on like a velvet moon,
Here one minute but gone too soon.

Chorus...


Well, Do your worst...
#2
They say a rolling stone gathers it no moss,
Doesn't need the "it", I feel.
but rolling down your hills had got me feeling lost.
Didn't enjoy the repetition of "rolling" (And please don't replace it with "falling").
#3
Quote by Krispy_chicken
Hm, Well I wrote a song, a very cliche' song... In a way, and it's a work in progress. So, criticism is highly encouraged, I want someone to just rip this thing apart, so it actually sounds decent.

(The mood for this is a slow acoustic song, if you want the chords PM...)

Verse 1:
I can't see your face, but I see your mind,
I've lost my breath, so hard to find.
I need something real, and real you got,
So come on girl, let's give it a shot.

This was very "dry". The 2nd line seems like a forced rhyme and the 3rd just seemed to have a sort of "rap" feel which rips the mood it seems you're trying to set in half.

Verse 2:
Your voice glides over the mountain tops,
When I see your lips, I lose my thoughts.
They say a rolling stone gathers it no moss,
but rolling down your hills had got me feeling lost.

I really liked the first two lines. The 2nd two, not so much. I agree with ginnjaninja that the repetition of "rolling" is sort of "meh".


Chorus: (This is the worst part...)

I need you to hold me down,
I need you to grab on real tight.
and I need you to give me your love tonight.

Lion King Much? IDK what to say here.


Verse 3:

I get lost inside your glacial gaze,
Like swimming through a fluid maze.
You shine on like a velvet moon,
Here one minute but gone too soon.

This is great. The relation of glacial to fluid is perfect. I'm not sure what a velvet moon is, but I like it.


Chorus...


Well, Do your worst...



Looks like the first two verses and chorus need some going over. I'd keep the 3rd verse though. Good stuff.

C4C? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1023710
#5
Yeah, a lot of the rhythm is crucial in understanding why I have certain words... it has a sort of, push-pull rhythm, just because I switch every other beat with either an add9 chord, or another suspenseful chord, so, it bounces a little bit, in a song, it doesn't sound that bad when repeating rollin, but, it could use a change, also, with the chorus, it was really hard to say what I needed to say, and fit it in the rhythm, so I think I'll just scrap it and try again. The first two verses were just really filler, I wrote those about two months before the third, and I was just trying to get a song out of a chord progression, so those I'll probably clean up some more.
Sorry this reply is so late, but I just got back from a trip...