#1
thoughts on the rocks
by the cold, shallow stream
where conscious we lay in the fresh autumn freeze,
and our lives, like the leaves
went up in the air
when we fell through the breeze
and left all the trees bare.
now these wash away whispers
from the ghosts in the wind
sound like a nest and an old bird who sings for the end.
but his lyrics are wrong so we sing our own song.

the world once was wide
when our eyes were as well,
but take back the blue skies
and what's left looks like hell.


so we reached for the mountains
as they reached for God
and we caught any answers that rolled down from the fog.
then the bird caught one too and upwards he flew,
rising over the mountains and out of our view.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Dec 18, 2008,
#2
I understand the idea of 'conscious' though I think that line is calling for a word which says the same in a more obvious way. If you're not reading it right, it feels a bit silly.

and our lives
like the leaves


The line break felt empty. It worked rhythmically, I can't explain it, it felt empty in the gap.

Freeze/breeze felt odd because freeze was already like a word replacement for breeze.

In the last stanza, second line, the emphasis didn't come on 'they' how I read it and it jolted a teeny bit (in a flow which was absolutely lovely before then and after that line break, may I say).

Maybe this feeling a little bit rough is a good thing (it doesn't feel rough really, some of it just stands out from the rest. Like some things [like above] came across to me as dodgy but gave me time to clear my head).

I don't think I need to say that I've already read it five times, that I will doubtless read it many more times and that I think it's really beautiful
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#3
Being very brief, because I find I can never really find anything constructive to add that will aid you in your future ****, but I didn't enjoy the first verse very much – it was okay - It felt too floaty and distant, almost like a decent, cryptic painting of a bunch of strokes accompanied by a few brief moments of ingenuity and humanly emotion. I know it's not particularly abstract in it's wording, but it still felt like it was written by a guy who was off his face and was feeling poetic, whilst staring at a bunch of birds in the cold sky. And I hate saying that.
Maybe it's just the diction that I didn't like. The line breaks, the rhymes, the floating overused words like "whispers", "wind", "bird" and "leaves". It's all just too poetic. I hate saying it's lacking your usual this-that-and-the-other because not every piece needs this-that-and-the-other. But it wasn't until the latter section that I noticed grit and poignancy.
The balance there between well-used common terminology, combined with lashings of poetic grandeur, and the slight sense of angst and desperation was far more affluent and vivid than in the first verse.
I don't even see why most of the first verse is there, to be honest.

It's wonderful to see more work from you, Jake.

Digitally Clean
#4
i really loved the simplicity of this piece. The content is so rich, and yet you've masterfully complemented it with simple writing. This could very easily have been a high technical, over-worded piece, but instead you made it flow and breathe, roll gently from line to line like a bird on the breeze. This was great.
#5
I absolutely thought this was gorgeous and brilliant.

But this:
"so we reached for the mountains,
because they reached for God"

I'm not sure I really like 'because', here.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#7
Katherine- Thank you for the suggestions, I've changed up the lives/leaves line break for flow's sake.

Dan- I generally agree with your evaluation. This was written as a song so I wasn't putting as much effort into the line breaks and presentation as I normally would. Thanks for reading and the time on the critique.

not Alex- Thank you I appreciate it.

culex- Funny thing, I actually never intended the 'because', but due to my bad memory something was lost in the translation from my head to when I got around to writing it. Good catch, changed.

Emily- I have a chord progression so far, now I'm working on combining the two. It may be some time yet before anything comes from it but I'm sure it will show up in song form on my profile sooner or later.


Thank you guys for reading/reacting/sharing your reactions. I'll return the critiques as soon as possible.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#8
theres nothing to comment on. it's excellent. im going to go with what kdownes said.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#9
Beautiful

Maybe 'as they reached up for God'? No? It's the only little bit of anything that trips me.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#10
On many a more re-read, it's this line here that keeps me from fully liking this:
- "now these wash away whispers
from the ghosts in the wind"

- Don't know why I'm keen on it.
#11
Quote by Billyjson
thoughts on the rocks
by the cold, shallow stream
where conscious we lay in the fresh autumn freeze,
and our lives, like the leaves
went up in the air
when we fell through the breeze
and left all the trees bare.
now these wash away whispers
from the ghosts in the wind
sound like a nest and an old bird who sings for the end.
but his lyrics are wrong so we sing our own song.

the world once was wide
when our eyes were as well,
but take back the blue skies
and what's left looks like hell.


so we reached for the mountains
as they reached for God
and we caught any answers that rolled down from the fog.
then the bird caught one too and upwards he flew,
rising over the mountains and out of our view.


Well the simple rhythm compliments the content of the poem very well. It doesn't pretend to be avant guard or super developed or anything else. It's simple, eloquent and, for the large part, beautifully put.

I'd cut out the two outlieing lines that choke up the otherwise very easy rhythm of this piece. You only want to disrupt the meter when you're trying to emhpasize the importance of those extra syllables; I don't think that's what you want in the lines I've highlighted above, so revising them for flow might be a good idea.


Also "the world once was wide" sounds like forced diction to me, play with it till it sounds a bit more natural--a departure from hard rhyme there would probably do the poem some good.

Finish lining up the aesthetic of this one and you've got a real keeper
#12
Thanks guys. Don't worry too much about the rhythm, this here's lyrics.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#13
That's some alan parson's **** right there. When i read and analyze what's being written, i completely understand it, and i get the visual i always look for.
i think this piece is quite well written - good job.