#1
Holding Hands with Ringed Fingers


If life is my misses, shouldn't I be holding hands like a gentlemen;
listless and uncomfortable in his comb over hair cut
and chapeau that doesn't quite sit straight?

She had skeleton rings on her fingers;
unwieldy, sharp, present lives,
contained in a single band of steal. It made holding hands very awkward,
but I was far from blameless:
I wore a silver branded ring
on my index and a black one with a Salamander on it
for my ring finger.
- not my left hand.
I don't know what it means, but I pray it has nothing to do with paganism.
Each had a character to carry,
held by something more than just names and faces.
But they were always loose, always distant.
Still, she was into that kind of thing;
silly things;
petty things.
It may have been the only thing I loved in her.

I used to pace up and down the streets, wondering to myself,
“Is disquiet something that God purposefully invented,
or did we simply evolve with it in mind?
If so, I have a good reason to dislike Darwin.”

She didn't believe in God.
She didn't believe in dancing or food, TV watching when the sun was shining,
mountain climbing when the rain was heavy, hugging when we argued,
kissing when my mustache prickled her.
We had nothing in common. But I still couldn't tell her what we both needed to here.
I can't even say it now.

Why can't I walk down the street and greet the first hand that reaches out to me?
Why couldn't I see that the tears in our eyes meant something more than just frivolous bullshit.

Probably
because bullshit builds stronger
than mortar and bricks.
It fits better when rings entwine.


Digitally Clean
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Dec 20, 2008,
#2
Quote by AngryGoldfish
Holding Hands with Ringed Fingers


If life is my misses shouldn't I be holding hands like a gentlemen;
listless and uncomfortable in his comb over hair cut and chapeau
that doesn't quite sit straight.

I think you need a comma after "misses" in the first line. I didn't like the line break, second line, at all. It should break after "cut" not "chapeau". Question mark after "straight".

She had skeleton rings on her fingers;
unwieldy, sharp, present lives,
contained in a single band of steal. It made holding hands very awkward,
but I was far from blameless:
I wore a silver
branded ring on my index and a black one
with a Salamander on it for my ring finger.
- not my left hand.
I don't know what it means, but I pray it has nothing to do with paganism.
Each had a character to carry
held by something more than just
names and faces.
But they were always loose, always distant.
Still, she was into that kind of thing;
silly things;
petty things.
It may have been the only thing I loved in her.

Didn't like the line break after "silver". Maybe try:
"I wore a silver branded ring
on my index and a black one with a Salamander on it
for my ring finger."
Something like that. I didn't like "- not my left hand" at all, really dodgy line.
"Each had a character to carry,
held by something more than names and faces."
Try that. Line breaks are letting this piece down the most.


I used to pace up and down the streets, wondering to myself,
“Is disquiet something that God
purposefully invented,
or did we simply evolve with it in mind?
If so, I have a good reason to dislike Darwin.”

Good idea, but this feels forced, especially with the line break after God.

She didn't believe in God.
She didn't believe in dancing or food, TV watching when the sun was shining,
mountain climbing when the rain was heavy, hugging when we argued,
kissing when my mustache prickled her.
We had nothing in common. But I still couldn't tell her what we both needed to here.
I can't even say it now.

This is probably the best stanza so far. All really good. Except this line:
"But I couldn't tell her what we both needed to here."
Either there's a dropped word or bad grammar or something, because this sentence didn't make sense.


Why can't I walk down the street and greet the first hand that reaches out to me?
Why couldn't I see that the tears in our eyes meant something more than just frivolous bull****?

Probably
because bull**** builds stronger
than mortar and bricks.
It fits better when rings entwine.

I dont know about these last two. Part of e likes them, and part of me feels you should have just left them out. Punctuate though. Coma after "Probably





Hope that helped, Dan. This is a good piece, just needs some work.
#5
Kyle got everything I wanted to say, but was too scared to.

So, brilliant.


EDIT: One last thing, fix up those expletives with empty tags (eg ). I hate seeing things decorated with asterisks.
#7
Well, sorry for such a long time on a crit.

This one Dan is amazing ! Many things that you write kind to fail with the whole message you try to get through, but this was flawless in that matter. I like how every single phrase gives one perfect image.

Nice one Dan.
#8
Thanks Andre and Sam. Zach, looking forward to see what you have to say. I think it's the flow and line breaks in this that I can't work out properly. Like Kyle said, it's what drags it down. Everything else I'm quite proud of.