#1
Man oh man it's been a whilke since i've submitted something in this forum. I've had a pretty big block, but anyways. Crit for crit of bloody course. just show me da link.


Elephant And Cloud Like Figures

as the spiders crawl into my eyes i soon begin to realize i can see better than i ever could

fuck the red carpet i want gold
(x4)

the pavement is much easier to recognize with cracks in it,
wet cement is easier to realize with my fucking back in it

lets slow this train down
by throwing ourselves off it
(x4)

as the spiders crawl into my eyes i soon begin to realize

i can see better than i ever could
(x2)

how they enter is the catch 22
yeah!


very much a screamy song. i've been listening to a lot of Norma Jean lately. so thanks for taking the time to read and any comments would be appreciated.
Cheers



EDIT: Line placement changed to the way I sing/speak it.
Last edited by YourMessiah666 at Mar 29, 2010,
#3
lol thanks. line breaks? you mean the structure of it? cuz i don't usually put much attention to that in my pieces..
#4
Well then, it shows. A line break is like punctuation, and can be used for effect, emphasis on certain words. I'm not sure about this one. The over-abuse of enjambment kinda ruined the flow for me, emphasis on wrong words.

See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Enjambment it has some of the best examples of poems and poets who use this well.
Last edited by ginjaninja at Dec 18, 2008,
#6
as the spiders crawl into my eyes i soon begin to realize i can see better than i ever could


i like this verse - alot
#7
I'm up in the air on the line:
wet cement is easier to realize with my ****ing back in it

I kinda like it's unusual way of weilding "wet cement" as the object of "realize" but a more skeptical listener might think it just sounds a little forced. I say stick with it, but keep that in mind.

The overall cohesion and mood is very well set. I can get a nice disintinct set of feelings and ideas from this. The title may be the one outlyer--how exactly does it contribute to the song? It's specific, but if you're looking at clouds for specific shapes, you wouldn't see "cloud like figures," you'd see the shapes those figures make, so it doesn't really work there for me. Also hard to tie it into the song--only the line about wet lying back down on wet pavement makes me think of clouds--of course then it'd be too cloudy to see shapes in the listener's mind.

If you want to drive home the theme of making something big, looming, and indeiscernable into something clear and specific, you could change it to something like "Clouds into Elephants" or something along that lines--it shows that movement into identification and clarity.
#8
oh kick ass. well thanks for the comments guys, i appreciate it lots. and yeah, as for the title, for me i usually just throw down a title. save it, then write lyrics, not referring to the titles i save at all. then pick one when i feel its time to title a song.
so basically if you read through any of my songs that i'm writing now-a-days the title has nothing to do with the piece. i guess that comes from all the instrumental guitar recording i do (with song titles like: ".. & .... .- - . & - .- -.-- .-.. --- .-. & -.. .- -.- .. -", "Horny McGee And An Address Book Of Bitches", and "I Often Daydream About Killing Everybody").
but yeah, thanks for the words guys. and, if you want me to crit one of your pieces back, just hit me up with a link. cuz if not, i'll assume you don't want me to return the favour
#9
good to see you posting again

"wet cement is easier to realize with my ****ing back in it"
didn't like that line, especially the second half of it.

only legitimate complaint really.


This was ok as song lyrics. It doesn't say much, isn't relatable, and doesn't really tell a story so standing alone, I'm gonna say it's no more than average. Sorry for being harsh. I don't mean to. On the upside, this had a good mood for a screaming song, and I can just about hear it in my head. So that is what makes this decent. The phrasing got awkward at times but overall, it's a clean, simple piece that probably works well with music.


Not bad, man. I liked it.

if you feel like an opinion on https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1027420 that would be cool. No worries though.

again, glad to see you're still around
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#10
Quote by YourMessiah666
if you want me to crit one of your pieces back, just hit me up with a link. cuz if not, i'll assume you don't want me to return the favour


Yeah, please pick whichever one you want from my sig. Thanks for the returned feedback!
#11
alright thanks jiminizzle. and yes my phrasing is quite strange. and i didn't really have an actual idea of what i was writing about when i wrote it, i just wrote it then looked back. and i shall start the critting back in a few minutes