#1
First time I've posted in S&L, just looking for some opinions...

Crown Phoenix

The Phoenix is reborn
Fierce as the fire
It rises from the ashes
And bursts into flames
To set the sky on fire, and set the world ablaze

Crown Phoenix ignite, you are the light

See the phoenix soar
Through the flames of desire
Rise above the wolf
And cast aside its flock
Set the sky on fire, and set the world ablaze

Crown Phoenix ignite, you are the light

Children carved in the image of Gods
Their false pride stands as high as mountains
If you’re to bear their dead;
Tear down the sky and consult the blind
For it’s victory now, or nothing at all

Fly higher than the burning
And nest within the sun
Light up all the heavens
And signal the new dawn

Accept this beacon as your savior that will deliver you from darkness, and cast off the ghosts of the past.
Rise to a throne beyond these hours of madness
And signal the new dawn
For it’s victory now or nothing at all…
#2
Quote by flyman
First time I've posted in S&L, just looking for some opinions...
And hopefully not the last...

Crown Phoenix

The Phoenix is reborn
Fierce as the fire
Mmmm, alliteration.
It rises from the ashes
And bursts into flames
Great introduction.
To set the sky on fire, and set the world ablaze
I think this needs a line break instead of the comma.

Crown Phoenix ignite, you are the light
Nice.

See the phoenix soar
Through the flames of desire
Didn't like the repetition of "flames".
Rise above the wolf
And cast aside its flock
Well done, clever.
Set the sky on fire, and set the world ablaze
Line break again.

Crown Phoenix ignite, you are the light

Children carved in the image of Gods
Gods either needs an apostrophe, or it needs image to be pluralized.
Their false pride stands as high as mountains
If you’re to bear their dead;
Tear down the sky and consult the blind
For it’s victory now, or nothing at all
Brilliant.

Fly higher than the burning
The burning what?
And nest within the sun
Light up all the heavens
Get rid of all, and capitalize Heavens, I think.
And signal the new dawn
Clever.

Accept this beacon as your savior that will deliver you from darkness, and cast off the ghosts of the past.
Rise to a throne beyond these hours of madness
Complete change of tone here, going from a bird, fire, sky to darkness and ghosts.... it really didn't fit.
And signal the new dawn
For it’s victory now or nothing at all…
I hate ellipses in pieces, but maybe that's just me. Other than that, nicely tied up ending.



I really liked this.
#3
Thanks for your insight man, you've given me some good points to think about.

Quote by ginjaninja
Mmmm, alliteration.


Good? bad?

Quote by ginjaninja
Gods either needs an apostrophe, or it needs image to be pluralized.


I didn't quite understand what you meant by this, could you explain again (this may be down to my poor grammer)

Quote by ginjaninja
The burning what?


A point well made haha!

Quote by ginjaninja
Complete change of tone here, going from a bird, fire, sky to darkness and ghosts.... it really didn't fit.


I hadn't realised this at all, has really got me thinking about improvements.
Much appreciated.
#4
Quote by ginjaninja
Complete change of tone here, going from a bird, fire, sky to darkness and ghosts.... it really didn't fit.


I should have probably mentioned this is quite a progressive piece, and this part of the song will have quite a different feel to it than the rest. Considering that would you say that your point still stands?
#5
Is this your only venture into the S + L forum? Because you've definitely got some talent.

I would have to agree with the observation that the second part of it is the slightest bit disjointed. It is very well written, but even if this is a progressive piece, I still feel there needs to be more of a link between the two.

Otherwise, great job man.