#1
This song came out of all of the things that have happend to me in my life as of late. Illness, poverty, heartbreak, all stuff that my family and I have had to deal with, but it makes me a stronger person in the end. This song is about life, a young boy learning how we live and how we die. This song was inspired by Weezer's song "Butterfly", one of my all time favorites, I tried my best not to completely rip them off. Anyway I hope you enjoy, crit 4 crit as always.

Summer’s gone, a new year begins
I just couldn’t wait to see your face again
Last year with you, well it was a blast
But this year you weren’t there when I got to the class
I just couldn’t find you so I asked for help
Cause I didn’t want to spend snack time all by myself
I looked where the sun and the clouds sit together
Cause teacher said that you were under the weather
I knocked on your door but there was no answer

Hey, why won’t you just come out to play?
Just like you did just yesterday
I guess you must be mad at me

I asked mommy what cancer was
Does it mean god just doesn’t love him as much?
She took me to the park, no reason why
We sat there and watched all of the butterflies
Flying away, soon they’ll wither away
Mommy says that will happen to us all someday
But there’s no telling when, our calendars aren’t the same

Hey, I sat out on your porch all day
And I watched you watch TV
I guess you aren’t really mad at me

We went to see you, I wore my black shirt
But all that we saw was a pile of dirt
I stood next to mommy with a tear in her eye
I asked her why she was starting to cry
She said that you were gone, never coming back here
As I saw you flying high in the air
Ever since then, things have been quite different

Hey, they say heaven is so far away
But I know you’re always here with me

Hey, you sit out on my tree everyday
I flash a smile your way
That’s when you fly away
Last edited by Mlnwd at Dec 18, 2008,
#2
gay + tl;dr

*WARNED*
Gear
American Deluxe Stratocaster
Deluxe Reverb Reissue
#3
Quote by Mlnwd
This song came out of all of the things that have happend to me in my life as of late. Illness, poverty, heartbreak, all stuff that my family and I have had to deal with, but it makes me a stronger person in the end. This song is about life, a young boy learning how we live and how we die. This song was inspired by Weezer's song "Butterfly", one of my all time favorites, I tried my best not to completely rip them off. Anyway I hope you enjoy, crit 4 crit as always.
Blah blah blah....

Summer’s gone, a new year begins
I just couldn’t wait to see your face again
Last year with you, well it was a blast
Didn't like the repetition of "year", or the colloquialistic language in this line.
But this year you weren’t there when I got to the class
Woah, you've lost me on tenses here. Is this the new year in the past tense? Totally confusing.
I just couldn’t find you so I asked for help
Cause I didn’t want to spend snack time all by myself
Snack time? How old are you?
I looked where the sun and the clouds sit together
'Cause teacher said that you were under the weather
Beautiful.
I knocked on your door but there was no answer
Redundant idea here. Just get rid of this line.

Hey, why won’t you just come out to play?
Just like you did just yesterday
I guess you must be mad at me
I like this.

I asked mommy what cancer was
Does it mean god just doesn’t love him as much?
Great. Although I am noticing a tendency of using "just" as a fuller word.
She took me to the park, no reason why
We sat there and watched all of the butterflies
Pretty.
Flying away, soon they’ll wither away
Didn't enjoy reading the repetition of "away".
Mommy says that will happen to us all someday
Great.
But there’s no telling when, our calendars aren’t the same
Again, A kind of redundant idea here. Get rid of it, there's nothing in this line that you haven't said, or we couldn't have worked out.

Hey, I sat out on your porch all day
And I watched you watch TV
I guess you aren’t really mad at me
Nice.

We went to see you, I wore my black shirt
But all that we saw was a pile of dirt
I stood next to mommy with a tear in her eye
I ask her why she was starting to cry
She said that you were gone, never coming back here
Great.
As I saw you flying high in the air
What? Weird.
Ever since then, things have been quite different
These last lines just aren't working on me...

Hey, they say heaven is so far away
But I know you’re always here with me
Great.

Hey, you sit out on my tree everyday
I flash a smile your way
That’s when you fly away
This last line could have been so much more.



I love the character you've created here, you put a lot of thought into it.

(And Clyne, consider yourself reported.)
#4
about the snacktime thing, remember this is a young boy telling this story, so it fits pretty well.
#5
It just felt all too cheesy that line.

(But my schools never had a snack time, so I guess that's why.)