#1
Many people, like myself, don't know if we believe in God and Heaven or not. And I've been very confused for very many years. I'm not that afraid of dying as I was when I was younger, but the small fear is still there. And always when I think about death, I try to convince myself that Heaven is waiting for me and my friends and family... But... It's hard to believe. I'm confused. And I know that many others are confused, and perhaps scared too.

Let Kingdom Come

Let kingdom come
Let it wipe your tears
Let it sing your name
Alliances and orders
Vanished by my hand
Fields of cold silver
The word "pain" written in sand
Let it sing your name
Let it wipe your tears
Let kingdom come

(CHORUS)
Sing with me, Lord
Today's a blessing
Let kingdom come
Let kingdom come
Let kingdom come
I'll keep moving through the dark
Is it true that you're in our hearts?

Let kingdom come
Let it clean your hands
Let it bless your dreams
I'll slip and I'll stumble
Oh Lord, I'll be humble
My heart, my soul, my life will crumble
Let it bless your dreams
Let it clean your hands
Let kingdom come
______

And that's it. I'm not done with it. I'm gonna write a couple of new verses. But this is as far as I've come...
What do you think? Please be honest...
#3
You start out with decent imagery in the first stanza. If you're doing a song that talks about spirituality in any way shape or form, you have a lot of strong arechetypal imagery to pull from. I don't really see this happening throughout silver and sand are nice starts, but you can insert more.

Also "clean" is a terribly bland word for "clean your hands" you want a word with stronger conotations--clean is an umbrella term and you want some specific nuance there--even wash connotates some labor and action in the process and is more specific--cleanse, a purifying idea--think about words that get a little more interesting.

Long story short, what's in there isn't bad, you need more though, those extra verses will be nice. I think the simple/not to image laden chorus is fine, the first verse is evocative because we don't know exactly what alliances and orders refers to or the "fields of cold silver" but those images are still strong and make the audeince conjur something up to explain them. The third verse is too straightforward to be so plain, either make it a bit more detailed or make it a bit more difficult to understand.
#4
First off, excellent piece in the feeling and thought it evokes.

Now to the criticism,
in the first stanza you say "Vanished by my hand" but later you say "Sing with me, Lord"
I'm confused as to the point of view you're writing from.
"Alliances and orders" seem like strong institutions only God could sweep away with the wave of a hand, so you can see why I'm struggling with your consistency of POV.

Now, I like the inverse structure of the verse, how lines 1 2 and 3 are flipped in lines 8 9 and 10, however this may prove confusing to the common listener.

Again, in the second verse, you write from the human POV "I'll slip and I'll stumble",
when you wrote from an empowered POV in the first verse.
Maybe you're trying to convey the feeling of becoming hopeless in time.
If not this (or something similar) I suggest a revision to keep consistency.

All around great piece, thoughtful writing.

And on a personal note,
I know how as life goes on that lingering thought at the back of your mind tries to get your attention whenever it can.
I hope that you will find the light and the truth and the acceptance that I feel toward death.
Knowing what is on the other side can quiet those thoughts.
Trust me, there is more to this life than you can see.
Blindfolds aside I'd probably still close my eyes

And try to feel a trembling fetal life inside
that shotgun barrel that's about to make me bleed

Like an ulcer in the stomach of the beast


Quote by Aurex
your sarcasam amuses me


CSUSM
#6
it's awesome. u say let alot, but if it helps to reinforce ur point, i don't see anything wrong with repetition.
#7
I dont see much here. Just a lot of religous imagery and words.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#8
Aye, you do use let a lot, a whole lot, but I can understand that it does reinforce the point, but it just makes it come off slightly boring with Let being the constant, and I could also agree with the a lot of religious imagery stuff, but that is what the piece was aiming for, from what I can gather, if let was changed every now and then this would be a fantastic piece and even with the let's, I still enjoyed it, fantastic work, if you could, check out twelve walls for me, links in my sig, any input would be much appreciated! cheers!
#9
Thanks for the good words and the even better criticism. I agree with you, Sneyob, about my changing POV. I'm gonna do something about that. It's a small job. Ty for the help everyone!