#1
Boy, I haven't posted in here in probably over a year. School is finally out and I want to polish up and reshape these rough little fragments I've been slowly churning out, I figured why not get some feedback as I go into revision. Here's the one that happened to be on top of my pile (lack of real punctation/capitalization/etc. just reflects how I physically jotted it down),

Mix Those Gods (working title of course


I followed Mars for miles
and who thought that march would end
worn mothers smile knowingly
then hesitate and sigh

Eros stopped me on that road
I'll mix the lingua here
where new thoughts rode on older words
dead languages that breathe

I staggereed when he blocked the way
my arms held out to reach
at childhood heroes moving on
marching over the hill

"Child drop your spear and shield
to bear a greater weight
pick up your own inheritance
the sweetest fruit she bit

Empires spun from golden hair
or hairshirts worn in shame
You'll learn to know
the day you lose
together, we're alone

She lingered by the wishing well
desire where we drown
a lesson
and a suffering
together, we're alone

One voice carries home
one voice lifts the self
community
or burning stars
that themselves burn down
Break Brighter than Bright
ignore the lake
that they were born into


Thanks for reading, I've maxed out my GAS, so I'll probably convert most of my UG time to the songwriting and lyrics forum over the next months or so. Eagerly awaiting everyone's input! I'll be around critiquing anyway, but of course I'll reward helpful criticism with some critical effort on my part.
Last edited by dullsilver_mike at Dec 19, 2008,
#2
this is pretty good over-all i'd say. my favourite stanza was the "I staggereed when he blocked the way" one. and i wasn't too big a fan of the "golden hair/or hairshirts" i'd choose a different word either than hair twice. but thats me. i really like the together, we're alone part, and when you repeat it in the following stanza it just gets even better. and if it were me, i'd just end it on "ignore the lake" because "that they were born into" for me seems a little too long in the syllable (sp?) count and it just seems out of place for the final line. so yeah, good stuff. and cheers yeah
#3
hey, u dropped by mine so i figured i do the same. i like the theme its quite nice, and yea i think its loads better then mine >< haha

keep writing!
#4
Quote by YourMessiah666
this is pretty good over-all i'd say. my favourite stanza was the "I staggereed when he blocked the way" one. and i wasn't too big a fan of the "golden hair/or hairshirts" i'd choose a different word either than hair twice. but thats me. i really like the together, we're alone part, and when you repeat it in the following stanza it just gets even better. and if it were me, i'd just end it on "ignore the lake" because "that they were born into" for me seems a little too long in the syllable (sp?) count and it just seems out of place for the final line. so yeah, good stuff. and cheers yeah



I really appreciate that insight, anything specific that puts the hair thing off? Is it just too common and cheesy? I loosely wanted to tie in the idea of sublimated sexual energy--empire building (maybe suggesting Helen of Troy) and the suffering that we put ourselves in over sexual desire (hence aescetic stuff like hairshirts). What other suggestions could work here? I'd like it to be remotely femenine-gotta have some sexual notion to contrast with the Mars stuff at the beginning. All ideas much appreciated!

I'm not too worried about the flow as I have the music written, but you're right about the end. Is it automatically weak to end with a preposition like that? Seems like I might be undercutting myself?

The bit about stars being born into lakes doesn't really make sense either, I just thought it made a pretty image and a very loose metaphor. Is it off putting/confusing because it doesn't make sense? A little closing ambiguity is fine, but I'd hate to finish on something that's just weird and confusing.
What does everyone think?

ALso: is the wishingwell piece a bit too cliche? I've been thinking about that line a lot.
#5
I thought instead of criting your work above (As you clearly know a lot more about writing than I do) I'd try and answer a few of your Q's from the later post:

Quote by dullsilver_mike
I really appreciate that insight, anything specific that puts the hair thing off? Is it just too common and cheesy? I loosely wanted to tie in the idea of sublimated sexual energy--empire building (maybe suggesting Helen of Troy) and the suffering that we put ourselves in over sexual desire (hence aescetic stuff like hairshirts). What other suggestions could work here? I'd like it to be remotely femenine-gotta have some sexual notion to contrast with the Mars stuff at the beginning. All ideas much appreciated! Honestly, I didn't even know what a hairshirt is without putting it into Google. However, the technical term for a hairshirt is a Cilice (I'm learning ), maybe a straight swap would be the easiest way of getting around the repetition but keeping the meaning you wanted


I'm not too worried about the flow as I have the music written, but you're right about the end. Is it automatically weak to end with a preposition like that? Seems like I might be undercutting myself? This didn't bother me at all. I think ending on "Ignore the lake" would be undercutting yourself if anything. Without having the music (and i'm useless at figuring out the flow without it) its hard to say, but could the lines be interchanged/reworked so you do not finish on the preposition? But IMO, it isn't necessary

The bit about stars being born into lakes doesn't really make sense either, I just thought it made a pretty image and a very loose metaphor. Is it off putting/confusing because it doesn't make sense? A little closing ambiguity is fine, but I'd hate to finish on something that's just weird and confusing.
What does everyone think? It is quite a hard verse to follow, again, I can't really see the flow (But like you said if you already have put it to music and it works then no problem). This last verse does seem to be causing most of the issues, maybe its time to scrap and re-write. I do like the imagery though so think it would be best if you try and keep the same idea.

ALso: is the wishingwell piece a bit too cliche? I've been thinking about that line a lot. Sorry, but yes. The only issue I have is I like the verse as a whole a lot, its probably my favourite in the piece. So if you do drop this line, I think you need to try and keep the same feel as you've given.


So as you can tell, all in all, I like it a lot and with a few fine tweaks think it'll be great!
#6
Hey, thanks for the crit on mine, I like the original writing theme here, nice change from all those generic songs out there.

Structurally it's pretty good, the main issue for me is the "hairshirt" thing. Maybe change the first "hair" to "thread" or something? Dunno.

I loved "Together, we're alone" and "new thoughts rode on older words"

Oh, and the "Break brighter than Bright" line doesn't really fit for me. I would replace that to be honest.
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