#1
During my drafting class today, I was suddenly inspired to write a song and popped this little diddy onto a piece of paper. It's kind of a story as well as a song since after the first verse the the singer would stop singing and just go into story telling mode.

I'm not too sure where I'm going with it after this but I figured maybe someone on here would be able to help me along or even help me to better what I already have.


Drink deeply and replenish thy life
Her's shall end whillst yours renews
The blood trickles down her neck of white
Such as a blade of grass with morning dew
A shuttering breath, her body it stills
You pull back, the taste of copper it lingers
Your lips drip crimson, a becoming hue
Quenched is the thirst and thy appetite sated
Yet empty you feel, like a wooden bucket waiting to be filled
This shell of woman the only proof of your hollow existence

"He was not always the bloodthirsty creature you see in front of you. Nay, the Nosferatu was once a mortal man like you or I. Yet he wasn't happy with the life of a farmer( for he was cursed to be one) Olaf(the name of the man he once was) took myth to be truth in his quest for a better existence and sought out the powers of the vampyre. On the night of her 18th birthday Olaf stole into his daughters chambers to perform the dark ritual. Knife in one hand and wine glass in the other, he drained his daughter and fed off her blood. Hence this vile beast was born."

Edit: I've added a bit more to the stanza and fixed a few mistakes in the story. Hopefully I'll be adding part of a second stanza if not a whole one later.
Last edited by Nucksta at Dec 20, 2008,
#2
Interesting little story you got going there. I didn't dig the whole Shakespearean use of thy and whillst, etc. But I suppose it fits with the story. The last line in the first, well only stanza, didn't fit properly. You had a really nice flow up till that, and then it just ends abruptly. I could see this being expanded into an actual story and it would be really good. I can't really see it being a song, unless you elaborate to what type of music would this be. Because all I can hear in my head music wise would be some cheesy King Crimson knock off type thing.
this one is for you.
#3
I really like the stanza that introduces the story except for a few lines:
"Her neck of white" sounds really forced, I'd rewrite that line to get a more natural sounding phrase.

lines 5 and 6 feel very fragmentary and disjoint from the rest of the stanza--a whole idea can't fit in one line in this case I think. I think you'd be better off putting in a two line description instead of two one line descriptions.

The prose: don't have two paranthetical notes, both beginning with "for" in such rapid succession, that sounds redundant and contrived.

You let the idea of myth sit without elaborating at all, and the break to his action that night feels kind of sudden.

You move from past tense throughout into present tense right before the last line and then the "hence" brings you back to past tense. That doesn't work for me, I think the move to present can work, but get that "hence" out of there, it also feels like forced language, like the voice you're creating with it becomes overdone and comical instead of storytellereque.

You're off to a good start, I could see this song being the opening pieces of a kinda theatrical set. Going from song to spoken word instead of visa versa seems strange to me, but you do alright by it.
#4
Yea I know what you're saying with the last line not fitting entirely..I'm not exactly pleased with it either it is still a first draft though so only room for improvement I suppose.

As for the King Crimson thing, I was actually thinking of pulling a Velvet Underground and having someone narrate the story while a band is playing behind them but the tone of the music itself would switch over when the song switched into story mode. This will be a ****ty description really but the first stanza would be sang frantically almost like a rabid animal was on the prowl for it's meal with music fitting the mood as well. During story time it would slow down and and be almost like a ballad(best word I can think of to describe the music) playing while the singer is speaking.

Hopefully I can get the inspiration to fine tune the first stanza and actually continue with it more.
#5
Your lips drip crimson, a becoming hue

liked that part, nicely written
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