#1
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS IS ABOUT. But I like it .

My Best wishes to the Bride.
Dear Disco Jesus,
You played my favorite song last night
It was the one that goes “ba-bada-ba-ba”
You know that one? I love it,
Anyways Disco Jesus,
I saw the bread crumbs above your lip
And the guck around your eyes
The bristling unkempt nose hair
And the wrinkly sky
I saw your frankincense stereo
And your myrrh scented pack
With an aura of unguided Arabia yet,
You are so keen on forgetting the past
Why is that Disco Jesus?
Why is that?
Sincerely your dear best-friend,
Disco Jesus

Ps,
Whether it was right or wrong
The tails still was facing up
So no,
You don’t have to go back to heaven
You truly don’t

And in the morning sky
And in the morning sky
And in the morning sky
I’ll be waiting underneath a Christmas wreath
With a cardboard-sign that says
Jesus was a foster child
With an abusive father, drunkard without luck
And the people will reveal their eyes and, looking
At me,
They see that boats can fly
As all the planes dive,
Around a empty conveyor belt
In our starry sky
And now the earth has a ring
Gaia is born under me,
Now that the earth has its ring
The wedding is in spring
Jesus, are you coming?


Update:
Changed 1 line, fixed a spelling mistake. I am contemplating adding another stanza before the final one, to possibly add to the piece. I dunno yet.
this one is for you.
Last edited by Ebshabutiee at Dec 20, 2008,
#2
This was witty and intelligent, but i too, have no idea what this is about. But who cares? could be about ducks having sex for all i care, its a fantastic read. Drips with just the right amount of cynicism. Actually looks like something i would write. Scary thought, eh?
#4
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS IS ABOUT. But I like it .


I’ll be waiting underneath a Christmas reef
With a cardboard-sign that says
Jesus was a foster child
With an abusive father, drunkard without luck
And the people will reveal their eyes and, looking
At me,


Those lines in particular spoke to me and kind of affirmed the song as a whole in my opinion. I love the fact that there really is no solid "theme" to the song yet it all flows together and makes absolute sense in a nonsensical way. If you plan on recording this at any time I would love to hear it!

c4c?https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1025666
#5
Hey thanks Nucksta, early 2009 I am hoping to get some recording equipment and the first thing I'll be doing is getting some of my past works up for all the lovely people on UG. I am just stopping by now and now have to go shovel, but I will crit your piece next chance I get.
this one is for you.
#6
Quote by Ebshabutiee
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS IS ABOUT. But I like it .

My Best wishes to the Bride.
Dear Disco Jesus,
You played my favorite song last night
It was the one that goes “ba-bada-ba-ba”
You know that one? I love it,
Anyways Disco Jesus,
I saw the bread crumbs under your nose
And the guck around your eyes
The bristling unkempt nose hair
And the wrinkly sky
Opening imagery is great-sound, sight, taste and texure(if you want to go there with "bread crumbs," but "gunk" seems to take some of the momentum out of it--it's descript, but not as specific as the rest. I'd say nose hair comes off as silly, but combined with "gunk" and the little "ba-bada-ba-ba" bit, you might be setting up a kinda quirky or tongue-in-cheek sound here that would work really well.
I saw your frankincense stereo
This adds more to that fun sense I was talking about--great!
And your myrrh scented pack
With an aura of unguided Arabia yet,
You are so keen on forgetting the past
I'm not sure the imagery established this, and it doesn't quite stand on its own for me.
Why is that Disco Jesus?
Why is that?
Sincerely your dear best-friend,
Disco Jesus

Ps,
Whether it was right or wrong
The tails still was facing up
So no,
You don’t have to go back to heaven
You truly don’t
Love this section, but I'm up in the air on the last line--all depends on how it's spoken/sung simply reading it, it seems to anticlimactic for me.

And in the morning sky
And in the morning sky
And in the morning sky
I’ll be waiting underneath a Christmas reef (reef or wreath?)
With a cardboard-sign that says
Jesus was a foster child
With an abusive father, drunkard without luck
"abusive father" seems like too over the top or cliche to me--gotta be extra carefull with cliche when talking about the street corner cardboard signs

And the people will reveal their eyes and, looking
At me,
They see that boats can fly
As all the planes dive,
Around a empty conveyor belt
In our starry sky
And now the earth has a ring
Gaia is born under me,
Evoking the myth of it here seems strange to me born from Chaos? A little more common imagery/language sprinkled in earlier would better prepare people for this line.

Now that the earth has its ring
The wedding is in spring
Jesus, are you coming?
A very nice finish, aesthetically and thematically.



Nothing wrong with it being hard to follow, with relying more on a pile up of images than an explicit plot (and some ideas of a story do enter into this), but at times I felt like some of the imagery was just too disparate--maybe because of the sudden jumps between them. I want to pile this problem on the ps section and the sudden shift to Gaia and the ring at the end.

I don't think these things should be removed, but your best bet is to probably reinforce the shifts by including some similar-but less-direct-language that relates to them earlier on. Prep people for those sudden new ideas.

The title throws me off the track a little bit--seems that the earth or Gaia should have more emphasis than Disco Jesus as you have it titled now.

Great stuff--it's really tough to build a sense of narrative just by juxtoposing images, and you do a good job.
#7
I really liked that
I’ll be waiting underneath a Christmas wreath
With a cardboard-sign that says
Jesus was a foster child
With an abusive father, drunkard without luck

This is probably my favourite part.
Although the whole thing was excellent IMO, just a few minor spelling/grammatical corrections needed.
"And the tails still was facing up" should be "tail"
"Around a empty conveyor belt" should be "an"
C4C?? I didn't say too much here, so only a very brief comment would be appreciated
It's 'Sit And Wait' in my sig
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