#1
This is my first song posted on this site...tear it up I dont care. Give me any advice you might have.

UPDATED VERSION BELOW

I see you sittin there
With a dreamy look on your face
That's somthing i cant bear
I know it's not me you think about

Love is something you can't live without
But you won't let me give it to you
I have a crush on you, yes it's true
If only you loved me too

I know there's someone else on your mind
If only you knew I was your kind
As tears run down my face in streams
I only wish I could steal your dreams
Last edited by codog1104 at Dec 21, 2008,
#2
That's somthing i cant bear
I know it's not me you think about

A little bit clunky and akward, thin this out

I have a crush on you, yes it's true
If only you loved me too

Oooh just too much angst and cliched expressions

The last verse I love though, if you could do two more like that - then thats perfect

Try adding imagery using similie and metaphors,

C4C if you got time, thanks!
#3
Verse:

You looked so cold and alone
I just wanted to give you my love
But you threw me out like a stone
'Cause it's not me you're thinking of

Love is something you can't do without
But you won't let me give it to you
As you push me away with a shout
I ask myself, "Why don't you love me too?"

Chorus:

I know there's someone else on your mind
If only you knew I was your kind
As tears run down my face in streams
I only wish I could steal your dreams
#5
The rhymes seemed kind of forced, but I like the idea of the piece. and "can't read tabs", I think he wants to keep that line because it keeps the rhyme scheme of the piece going. (I.e. love/of). I would mess around with the chorus so it’s not to blunt and strict. I would take out "my face", because it's extra information...where else are tears going to come from. Other then that, great work...

C4C? In my signature, thx!
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Don't fret man.